Cry it out method... do people still do this?

[gonewithtthewind]

I'm NOT a cry it out parent, if whoever does it with their child wants to, that's fine... not my lane. But why when you don't use the Cry it out method do people have something to say?

I still contact nap, I love it and my baby will go down in her cot. I don't co-sleep.

When it gets the witching hour she can be difficult to put in her cot, but I just assumed that was to do with the witching.

I've posted about my MIL before. And she tells me to just leave her to cry and she will go to sleep, she says my SIL does it with her two children and it works so I should do the same! I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, it's so awful. I don't know if I'm just being unreasonable or what, I've cut contact for now but it's not my family so it can be tough.

I haven't done any form of sleep training because children don't need to learn how to sleep, they already know how to.
My DD started sleeping through the night at 12 months, my DS is 5 months and wakes twice a night.
We contact nap, co-sleep and respond whenever they need us.
All babies get there in their own time.

Never feel bad for doing what works for you. They don't need to be left to cry for them to sleep.
If you find yourself doubting what you're doing then check out these Instagram accounts for information on normal infant sleep:
Fox and the Moon Infant Sleep
Little Nest Sleep
Second Star to the Right
Hey Sleepy Baby
Lyndsey Hookway

It does. But you were lucky my DSis was doing this until her boys were 9 and 7!

Ok but your thread is titled “cry it out method do people still do this?” Odd title if you aren’t really interested….

If it was just a Mil complaint/moan then perhaps another title might have been appropriate?

Yes, I'd be worried about them possibly being thirsty for that long. I imagine crying heartily is thirsty work.

It would help if people were less judgemental and polarised on both sides.

Those who disagree with it tend to label those who do it as neglectful, lazy, awful parents. Whereas those in favour of it tend to view those opposed to it as clingy and OTT etc.

I did it (controlled crying, not cry it out) with my first child and it worked a treat after just a few minutes of crying over two nights. My second child absolutely would not tolerate it and made herself sick in distress. After that I never attempted it again and she still co sleeps with us.

Fwiw i think it has its place but I don't think it works for all kids and if your baby is responding badly to it like mine did then it's cruel to carry it on. Yeah they all eventually sleep but if it's after hours of distress it's not worth it (in my opinion).

We all do our own thing though don't we. I wouldn't get worked up over anyone else's parenting choices.

Sorry OP but I'm unsure what you want from this thread. Your title asks do people still use cry it out, your OP asks why do people comment on different methods, both of which people have replied to and now you are saying you don't care what other methods people use and are making the thread about your MIL 🙈

Do whatever works for you and your family. Sometimes people give their views but I try to think they are justifying their parental decisions as opposed to directly telling you you're doing it wrong. It worked for them so they're going to say, but if what you are doing works for you that's fine too.

Bear in mind that if you're talking about enjoying contact naps/co sleeping together you're just saying what you do, and in turn someone else will say what they do/someone else they know. Ultimately we're just keeping kids alive and healthy and you do what works for you all. One parent wouldn't be able to CIO as it would affect them mentally, another may have a child where they are literally unable to sleep or rest due to sleep issues and have to do CIO or they would become very unwell. It's just what works for the family

I did it with my two when they were 7months old - thereabouts.
After 3 days they fell asleep by themselves 7-7 and I always knew after that, that when they cried they needed me so I went straight away.
They are 4 and 5 now and don't seem affected by it. They sleep through but know if they need anything they can always call out and I'll be there In 30 seconds or less!

It was necessary for our family due to the small age gap, and we did go to check on them regularly whilst doing CIO. They weren't alone but we did extend the time we went in after each time we went in...if you see what I mean.

No regrets here!

But.

You do what is right for your family.
Surely that's what everyone should do?

If you're happy with the way you do things and it works for you, then who cares what anyone else thinks?

Tbh. I am a total softie. I would've had the kids in our bed all the time for cuddles! But my husband was adamant that we sleep train.
In a way I'm so happy we did as they sleep so amazingly - wherever we go!
But also, I did miss out on those cuddles......
(I got loads of daytime ones though, obviously!)

Having work or another reason to get up wouldn’t change a thing for me - hearing DD cry brings about a visceral reaction and I have to respond.

I do have other commitments that I have to get on with and the sling works wonders. I get on with what I need to do and she is content because she’s close. Would definitely use the sling again with a new baby so I’m free to interact with older children or just get on with others jobs.

https://www.laleche.org.uk/letting-babies-cry-facts-behind-studies/

The most heartbreaking line; “While babies may indeed stop crying if left unattended long enough, they are not learning to self-soothe, they are simply giving up on the hope that comfort will come”.

You do what you feel is right for you and your family. And if at some point, for your own mental health or sleep deprivation you need to leave your baby to “cry it out” then of course do so. But if you are determined to not “cry it out”, then simply say so, with confidence, to your MIL and anyone else who questions you.

Youve got this.

The words “brain damage” are incorrect, but here is your evidence that CIO is indeed harmful:

https://www.laleche.org.uk/letting-babies-cry-facts-behind-studies/

Key points:
The 1999 Ontario Early Years Study8 explains how the brain is being hard-wired in early development and how the patterns which emerge will last for a lifetime. How the adult brain reacts to stress is influenced by this early development, and adults who were stressed as babies can have abnormal stress reactions in later life, as well as a greater vulnerability to social attachment disorders.

In 1998 Harvard research showed that babies who cried excessively were susceptible to stress as adults, and sensitive to future trauma.9 Chronic stress in infancy can also lead to an over-active adrenaline system, causing anti-social and aggressive behavior, and even affect physical illness far into the future.

On the other hand, research has shown that infants and toddlers who experienced responsive and sensitive care tend to develop into socially competent pre-schoolers.

All studies are quoted in the article.

I think the 5 minute check in works once you know your child's cry! There is a huge difference between a whimper that is looking for attention or fighting the sleep, or a cry when something is wrong that is leading to short breathes and / or vomiting like another poster mentioned.

I agree with this. I don't do CIO but I often leave the baby in the cot for 5 minutes while I see to the older child. The older child's needs can't be completely ignored to hold the baby the whole time. Quite often, the little one will go off to sleep after a couple of minutes fussing and whimpering slightly. If they don't, I pick them up and cuddle them again rather than letting them get worked up into hysterics.

My experience is that unfortunately babies sometimes need to be left to cry so you can meet the needs of older children or your own very basic needs (eat, go to the toilet, have a shower). And not all babies like being in slings.

I know 3 people who've done cry it out. All their kids (now aged between 2 and 14) seem to be fine. BUT they all have a story about a time when they finally went in/ went in in the morning and realised the child had been crying about something 'legitimate' (although IMO that describes all crying) - one had got her legs stuck through the bars of her cot, one had become ill and now had a temperature of 39°C, and one had partially dislocated her elbow!
Just be firm but polite with your MIL whenever you have contact with her, and keep doing what's right for you and your family. In the majority of the world, what you're doing is the norm and deliberately leaving a baby to cry alone (for any length of time) is seen as barbaric. If it was really damaging to babies to respond to them consistently we'd have whole continents of dysfunctional people.

What is cry it out method? How long do you leave them? the more upset she gets I start crying 😬 I really struggle when she gets inconsolable I panic she's in pain so doubt I could let her cry without freaking out. I'm too far the other way though and need to toughen up before she grows up with me wrapped around her little finger and becomes an arse 😂

Babies are supposed to be attached to their caregiver. It’s not qurie like that.

This is so sad 😞 it’s funny because I can be strict or whatever in the day but at night I am super alert and terrified of my child being alone and crying in the dark. I can’t do it do them. It’s literally the most vulnerable time for them.

@Newnamenewname109870 "I'm too far the other way though and need to toughen up before she grows up with me wrapped around her little finger and becomes an arse"

She won't-I promise. Meeting her needs won't make her an arse.

Absolutely not. Wasn't there a study that showed that increased cortisol caused by unnecessary crying was bad for brain development? At the very least it triggers the amygdala into flight or fight response and this can be damaging to the tiny little sponge of a brain.

Everyone I know who did it was told by their mums or grannies to do it and that it 'never caused them any harm'.

My two are now 15 and 12 and neither of them are sleeping on me or in my bed....

That sounds exhausting.

Being bombarded with unsolicited advice - especially when it is tied to how you are in their view doing everything wrong - is exhausting.

You know your baby, you know you. If you are both happy and healthy then carry on and MIL should back off.

That goes for everyone in this thread. If you do CIO or not. All mums and all babies are different. We do what works for us. We do not need constant criticism from others - especially not close family.

This!

All babies / toddlers who want to sleep in your arms / in your bed go in their own bed eventually. You don’t get teenagers still climbing into mummy and daddy’s bed every night!

Hi OP

1st time mum to a 7 month old here. I think keeping your distance for now is probably a good idea...better to say nothing than something you might regret later. Especially as unsolicited advice is honestly the least useful thing going. From my own really limited experience i would keep just doing what suits you and baby. I promise you you arent doing everything wrong but havent we all been there when dr internet is telling us 20 different things about sleeping/feeding/parenting in general...makes us feel like nothing we're doing is right. My DS contact napped on us for every nap and like your LO went down to sleep at night without issue from about 9 weeks,myself and DH had tried putting him down and following all kinds of sleep training advice (thinking we would never get him out of contact naps) not a single method worked. He eventually started to resist the contact naps himself, and would only be first content lying on the sofa beside us to nod off then bit by bit to being put down awake in his cot to fall asleep independently but this was through no crying it out method or controlled crying. He lead the way and we went with it which we have found is the easiest way with our independent little man. He knows what is best for him without us forcing the issues. You do you...look for reassurance on these sites but take any and all advice with a pinch of salt...including mine 🤣 and honestly enjoy those lovely cuddles...i miss them every day.

Never did sleep training or CIO with mine. I think it’s cruel. Did all the things people tell you not to - Co-slept, BF to sleep etc etc
DS is 5 and is a fantastic sleeper. He has been for years.

That link the the American website is wild. The reason the baby settles after several nights of this is that they realise THERE’S NO POINT. In other words, they know, no matter what, no one will come. But they don’t learn to self soothe. They may be quiet, but it doesn’t mean they’re okay, they’ve just given up. I learnt this from an Educational Psychologist friend when discussing attachment disorder and neglect in babies. I was so happy to learn this before I had children as I had heard lots about the CIO method. Definitely not to be confused with controlled crying though, as others have said. Controlled crying still provides the reassurance babies need and I have used it successfully with my own children.

Also I should add, controlled crying hasn’t worked with all of mine (I have 4) and I only tried it if I thought it was appropriate. I bed shared with DS2 and 3 until they were ready to go into their own toddler bed as they breathed until they were older than DD1. I did controlled crying with DD1 and it worked perfectly within a few days, I tried it with DS2 and it was clear from the outset it wasn’t right for them so I didn’t continue.

I slept with my daughter until 2. It was bliss as she would just sleep with me and get up with me, we got in synch.

I sleep with her again age 6 and where she would wake every single night crying, now she doesn't.

I'd do it again, but it's easy with just one child and a flexible job. Not so easy otherwise I imagine.