Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think truly good friends don't exist?

77 replies

polon · 11/06/2023 21:58

Or they're extremely rare?

I've had three best friends over the course of my life, two ended up treating me terribly and the third (my longest friend, god mother of my child and who I thought would always be there) is now showing to be pretty crap.

I am always there and doing my best to help friends during their time of need, but I never receive the same. Ever.

Most friends I have to contact first to meet up or make plans. I've been betrayed countless times. I have no problems making friends and several have been around for years.

I do have friends (I suppose), they're just shit. And always have been. On the days I don't have my son, I spend them alone and I've become quite lonely.

How do people find good, decent friends? And AIBU to think they're a rarity?

OP posts:
user1471434829 · 11/06/2023 22:14

Sorry that hasn't been my experience at all. I have loads of good friends and a couple of really solid best friends, who have in the past when I've really needed it helped me with shit situations (and I've done the same for them). You probably don't want to hear this, but in RL I've found the people with shit friends there's a reason for it! They are either flakey, negative, very boring etc so they aren't the top of anyone's list of friends.

Rosesarerednotblue · 11/06/2023 22:16

I think the problem is more people's perceptions of what makes a good friend and their priorities. I try to be a good friend and I have wonderful friends who I know try to be a good friend to me in return. But at this stage of our lives, friends are simply not my priority and I think it's fair to say they're not my friends' priority either. My DC and DH are my priority. Work is my priority. Keeping food in the fridge and my home from crumbling around us is my priority. And what's left over (which is very little sadly) goes to my extended family and then my friends. Perhaps if you were my friend you would feel I don't give you enough time but I would hope you know it's truly not for a lack of caring, it's simply what my life looks like these days.

Overthebow · 11/06/2023 22:18

Not my experience either, I’ve had a great group of friends since school and more since uni and they’ve always been good friends. I make the time to help them if needed and they do the same for me, although always have to bear in mind that lives are complicated and busy.

PonyPatter44 · 11/06/2023 22:21

Sorry but not my experience either. I don't have loads of friends, but those I do have are pretty decent, and have been my support throughout some pretty awful times.

Original poster
polon · 11/06/2023 22:24

I did think it was probably me!

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong.

OP posts:
SecretKeeper1 · 11/06/2023 22:25

That’s not my experience at all and I’m sorry to hear it’s yours. I have several good friends that I’ve known about 25 years, two or three of whom I would absolutely trust with any aspect of my life. They are extremely high on my priority list, certainly higher than my house or job.

BananaPalm · 11/06/2023 22:27

It has been my experience too I'm afraid. My two best friends don't treat me badly as such but they're just not there for me.

And I'm really low maintenance. I'd be thrilled with them just initiating a phone call every few months...

Sending hugs OP.

Original poster
polon · 11/06/2023 22:28

BananaPalm · 11/06/2023 22:27

It has been my experience too I'm afraid. My two best friends don't treat me badly as such but they're just not there for me.

And I'm really low maintenance. I'd be thrilled with them just initiating a phone call every few months...

Sending hugs OP.

You sound exactly like me!

OP posts:
BunnyBettChetwynnd · 11/06/2023 22:29

Rare and not rare really.

Rare in that I don't have lots of friends, but the friends I do have are absolutely brilliant.

I've met them over a lifetime of college, courses and work and we've just stuck. I think we have stuff in common which always gives us a good excuse to get together and we are all really interested in each other's lives and want the best for each other. As a PP has said lives change, they have family, busy jobs, they travel and then you see less of each other, but you can always stay in touch and let them know you care.

When you say best friend I wonder if you're putting all your hopes and expectations onto one person? I have gardening friends, dog walking friends and 'sit with a coffee and put the world to rights' friends. One person can't be all things.

Is your current best friend crap for a reason? What are you expecting that she's not providing? Is something wrong in her life that she needs you for? Can you talk to her about it?

HeddaGarbled · 11/06/2023 22:30

It may be that you’re unlucky or it may be that you’re picking bad ones.

I have one very good friend whom I met at work 20 years ago. If we hadn’t been colleagues first, I probably wouldn’t have been friends with her. We are very different in many ways, from the fundamentals like political and religious views, to the trivial, like how we dress and how much we swear. But our friendship has been life-enhancing for me, and, I hope, for her.

Have you put any thought into how you choose your friends? Is it possible to widen or change your criteria?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 11/06/2023 22:52

Mixed opinions on this.

I have no friends from before college - people from home, school etc drifted away when I moved, despite best efforts to maintain those friendship.

My friends since my 20s, more friends by choice rather than circumstance, are much better.

User124534687 · 11/06/2023 22:58

Oh I’m with you OP. I’ll share the shit ‘flakey, negative, very boring etc so they aren't the top of anyone's list of friends’ review with you! 😂

I’ve got people I can go for coffee with but no ‘mates’. Hey ho. Let’s be weirdos together. 💐

SpringHexagon · 11/06/2023 23:01

This is also my experience. I hadn't realised until I had my daughter, then my supposed best friends fell off the face off the earth. I know it's definitely not me, I messaged and called alot, invited them for dinner and things, but they weren't there for me when I had a very close family member pass away, and an even closer family member take very ill. I think maybe we are just unlucky in that we surrounded ourselves with time wasters.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 11/06/2023 23:05

Rosesarerednotblue · 11/06/2023 22:16

I think the problem is more people's perceptions of what makes a good friend and their priorities. I try to be a good friend and I have wonderful friends who I know try to be a good friend to me in return. But at this stage of our lives, friends are simply not my priority and I think it's fair to say they're not my friends' priority either. My DC and DH are my priority. Work is my priority. Keeping food in the fridge and my home from crumbling around us is my priority. And what's left over (which is very little sadly) goes to my extended family and then my friends. Perhaps if you were my friend you would feel I don't give you enough time but I would hope you know it's truly not for a lack of caring, it's simply what my life looks like these days.

This is so true. It's like spinning plates. Sometimes the friendship plate needs to drop so the other big stuff like children and jobs, don't.

DelurkingAJ · 11/06/2023 23:11

The other thing is expectations. So I don’t consider someone a bad friend if they don’t call me from one year to the next. I still know that when the chips are down they’re there. And that we all are stupidly busy and don’t live locally. The people I try most with aren’t always those I love most but usually those I’m most worried about (so my friend who has health problems and is living with his DM and feels he can’t leave her overnight because of HER health problems so he’s lonely gets a call every month or so…people who are busy with young families as I am it’s once in a blue moon).

Original poster
polon · 11/06/2023 23:13

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 11/06/2023 22:29

Rare and not rare really.

Rare in that I don't have lots of friends, but the friends I do have are absolutely brilliant.

I've met them over a lifetime of college, courses and work and we've just stuck. I think we have stuff in common which always gives us a good excuse to get together and we are all really interested in each other's lives and want the best for each other. As a PP has said lives change, they have family, busy jobs, they travel and then you see less of each other, but you can always stay in touch and let them know you care.

When you say best friend I wonder if you're putting all your hopes and expectations onto one person? I have gardening friends, dog walking friends and 'sit with a coffee and put the world to rights' friends. One person can't be all things.

Is your current best friend crap for a reason? What are you expecting that she's not providing? Is something wrong in her life that she needs you for? Can you talk to her about it?

There were my three closest friends, two of them from primary school and one from secondary school.

My current best friend has been around since we were four. I've had a rough year so far and I feel she's let me down.

E.g. my son and I had to flee to a refuge as I was being stalked, not one message or phone call to ask how I was, but numerous texts about her new hair cut and who she was sleeping with.

I am now going through a difficult breakup and been diagnosed with a condition and haven't heard anything from her again.

When she's been in difficult situations, I have been present.

OP posts:
Feelslikespring2 · 11/06/2023 23:14

I have been having similar thoughts and wondered if I just don't know how to be a friend because I felt the same as you op but when I confronted my friends they said they felt the same way about me. I guess it's perspective sometimes and aligning what effort/things are important to one another.

LysHastighed · 11/06/2023 23:19

Perhaps you just weren’t compatible, or maybe it’s your attachment style.
I’ve been friends with my closest friends for over 40 years and never had a negative thought about them nor any kind of conflict. I’ve made similarly good friends in each decade of life even as an extreme introvert. There are so many nice and interesting people in the world.

Sunnyfeelgood · 11/06/2023 23:21

OP, when your friends treat you badly, do you let them know? I have some very close friends, but over the years have felt they have let me down and vice versa. When this happens we have a big old chat and renegotiate our expectations of the friendship. People have different standards and aren't automatically aware of what each other needs are.

Re when you were in the refuge, did you friend feel awkward? Did she think you didn't want to talk about it so needed some bullshit to distract you? If you didn't 'put her right' then she will just assume you don't like a fuss.

You almost need to train people in how to be a best friend to you. If you are avoidance if any confrontation, then your friendships don't tend to get to that 'next level'

Nutsaboutgingertea · 11/06/2023 23:22

Op i was just thinking about this yesterday. I came to the conclusion over the last year or two that the friendships I would like don't exist for me and I don't think they will. You know, the kind where you call each other every week or two, meet up every month or so. I have made my peace with it and have stopped trying! I am focussing on my husband and kids for now. Think that in my stage of life - mid 40s - many people are busy or tired.

Malarandras · 11/06/2023 23:25

Just ignore anybody that says it’s you. How on Earth would they know this is an anonymous site!? I have felt similar to you in the past but I reshaped my expectations and things seem better. Focus on you more, what makes you happy.

loseridiot · 11/06/2023 23:27

How awful and disappointing. My experience was the same. Happy for you to be there when it suits, disappear when it doesn't so a role is formed.

The decider for me was Covid when nobody bothered when I made reasonable efforts to stay in touch. I get it was awful but the odd text or call would have been most welcome. Made me realise they were all just situational and people are selfish and uncaring. I realised it had been me making almost all the effort.

I dropped the rope and they had a shock now the well has run dry. No effort, no returns. I don't bother looking for friends or caring about anybody or anything anymore. Gets you nowhere. In fact, it just gets you used and you end up alone anyway.

And then society ends up lonely and wonders why.

Summerfun54321 · 11/06/2023 23:28

I don't think it's fair for your best friends to be responsible for your loneliness. There is nothing from stopping you making friends at new hobbies. People want different things from friendships at different stages of their lives. I needed friends more when I was single but now with kids and a DH and a busy work life my friends are less important.

BananaPalm · 13/06/2023 23:00

Nutsaboutgingertea · 11/06/2023 23:22

Op i was just thinking about this yesterday. I came to the conclusion over the last year or two that the friendships I would like don't exist for me and I don't think they will. You know, the kind where you call each other every week or two, meet up every month or so. I have made my peace with it and have stopped trying! I am focussing on my husband and kids for now. Think that in my stage of life - mid 40s - many people are busy or tired.

This is exactly what dawned on me a few hours ago. I'm just tired of trying. Note sure "how" to make peace with it though...

Bunbuns3 · 14/06/2023 03:14

I always believed in quality and not quantity. Sadly though I assumed my friends felt the same, where as in reality they preferred quantity over quality and therefore I just became "back up" friend.