To think truly good friends don't exist?

[polon]

Or they're extremely rare?

I've had three best friends over the course of my life, two ended up treating me terribly and the third (my longest friend, god mother of my child and who I thought would always be there) is now showing to be pretty crap.

I am always there and doing my best to help friends during their time of need, but I never receive the same. Ever.

Most friends I have to contact first to meet up or make plans. I've been betrayed countless times. I have no problems making friends and several have been around for years.

I do have friends (I suppose), they're just shit. And always have been. On the days I don't have my son, I spend them alone and I've become quite lonely.

How do people find good, decent friends? And AIBU to think they're a rarity?

I don't think it is you either. I think people can be very selfish.

I have a supposed close circle of friends. All married with grown up children. I live on my own. I have given up meeting them individually as all they do is off load about their husbands for an hour then merrily go off home. They don't seem to understand what a depressing social interaction it is.

I am now very self-sufficient and happy with my own company.

I think a few people are exceptionally fortunate and attract many good friends. By far the majority of us however have to make do with only a few friends most of whom do not make much effort.. It is also much harder to find new friends even if we join new social groups. People find it easier to stay in their bubble..

Similar here! I had a circle of friends in my 30s but it broke up as people’s lives changed. Had an online group - all in different countries, so we never met - and one OS friend I did meet three times, but again, circumstances changed and contact dried up. I have a couple of friends now (online only, we live too far apart now to meet these days) and some friendly acquaintances I have lunch with once a week after our craft group, but no close friends at all. Nice though it would be to have close friends, you can’t manufacture a shared history or shared attitudes to important things, and I find I haven’t really the patience now, or the tolerance for tip-toeing around some subjects.

Unfortunately it sounds like your life has been quite chaotic. It can be difficult for friends to help, or even to want to help, when you're jumping from one awful relationship into another and on again. For a short period most friends can cope, but chaotic lives with a new drama every few months gets too much for even very good friends to manage. Most people with their own partner and children can't free up a few evenings per week so that you aren't lonely either.

You do deserve support, but it's important to consider who you expect what support from. If it's listening to one trauma after another, get counselling and what's actually best is to remove the cause of issues rather than relying on friends to keep up a stream of support. If it's evening entertainment, sign up to an evening class or pub quiz group. If it's chat, meeting every few weeks and a very occasional crisis - that's when you look to your friend. Once your expectations are at a more reasonable level because you're meeting your other needs more sensibly, you might find your friend is actually good enough. Or not, and then find a new one, but with the same sensible expectations.

I agree. I find people nice enough day to day, have casual friends I'll meet up with for a coffee etc. But still not found a best friend that really means it. Even friends I've been super close to have always gone their own way eventually.

I lost my two best friends over covid. They took and took from me over the years and I supported them through awful life events but when I had a baby in 2020 and suffered severe postnatal depression they were not their for me at all. I now have zero friends just DH and my kids. It's really getting me down. I miss talking to women as I have two sons . My extended family and mother and mother in law are crap so I don't even have that. I just think I'm a bad judge of character and chose awful people in my life. I'm very closed off now to making new friends. I don't trust anyone

I agree with this. Friendship was so easy when I was in my 20s as we all had few responsibilities, loads of free time to socialise and spend time together and many of us were in similar circumstances and on the same life path. Fast forward to my 40s and whilst I am still good friends with those same people, I have definitely noticed a shift whereby we are all more time poor, have other responsibilites to deal with (ageing parents, longer work hours, young kids, business to run etc) that the quality of those friendships have suffered. Something has to give as we only have a finite amount of time each day. I still love and care for my friends and we are still in contact but it isnt the same as it was 20 years ago at all. Sometimes it does make me sad but I also dont believe its about me or them being shit friends, its just life. I dont agree with PP saying there is something wrong with you OP, plenty of people just get caught up in their own life stuff and dont have the emotional bandwidth to give to their friends like they once did. It doesnt make them bad people and it doesnt make you boring or whatever.

I think all you can do is drop the rope on the people you feel arent making an effort and seek out new ways to meet new people. Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime and I think we have all fallen for this idealised image of BFFs for life when in reality, it doesnt work like that. To me, this is just as unrealistic as the romantic trope of eyes meeting someone across a room and living blissfully ever after. It can happen, but its not really the norm for most people. Life is constant change and nothing stays the same forever. That can be a sad thing but it can also be a great thing too because it means you can make new friends and experience different kinds of friendships over the years.

I think there are a lot of good people out there with potential to be good friends, just as they have potential to be good partners/spouses. The key really is the pairing.
I often read/hear people say I do XYZ for others and I'd like them to do the same for me. I get that, but to illustrate compatibility I once had a friend who (in my eyes) would go OTT for birthdays and other 'occasions', for example secretly pinning a banner up at my home to celebrate me getting a job or turning up at someone's house at 5am (surprise) to wave them off on on their 3 week 'travels'. She'd leave requests with ghe DJ to play dpecific songs and declare it 'our song' and insist on dancing. Some of the things she did seemed more like what I'd expect from a partner. If was too much for me and we drifted apart. I know I hurt her feelings.
Could it be that your expectations are a little high? Or simply you're not mixing with others who have similar expectations. If you invited me to a BBQ in August, unless it was something special my response would be that lm unsure what I'm doing yet. I guess that does mean 'I might be doing something better' but I feel that's OK. Would you? If we had arranged to go away for a weekend though I'd expect to go and stick with arrangements. I'd listen to you cry/offload about relationship problems, but I would pull back if it became a regular thing and you ignored my advice. I do an activity I wasn't ghat into because I thought you'd like it. I wouldn't invite you over to stay for a week or expect to see you Xmas day. I would answer you texts.....later...I would not have a running conversation. I won't be coming to your kids concert or sponsoring anyone. Does that make me a bad friend?

That's an interesting hearing your experience because it comes back to expectations. I'm not saying this is my view, but maybe they now feel you're no longer there for them and when they need your support you don't seem to want to listen and try to change the subject to talk about your recent trip to Paris or how your gardens coming along. Maybe they think you aren't a good friend.
It's a tricky one.

I think a lot of it comes down to expectations and life stages.

I read some threads on here about what some people expect of their friends and I always think about how I would find it impossible to fulfil even half of those expectations 😬

I find intense friendships (or relationships of any kind) quite draining and overwhelming. I couldn't be friends with someone who needed very regular interactions and reassurance - but to someone who loves that kind of thing, I'm probably seen as flaky and uninterested 🙈

Friendship has changed a lot since social media. I think most people nowadays prefer social media friendships.

I went through something very difficult recently and two of my friends, including one with young children were so supportive. They stepped up in a way that my best friends of 20+ years didn't. I am letting one friendship go after hearing nothing in response to saying I had to cancel meeting up due to X (bad thing). The first time I've cancelled in over 15 years of friendship.

I have been consistent as a friend and behave the same to all four. So I think some people are wonderful friends and some aren't and it often has nothing to do with the person on the receiving end.

I hope you and your children are doing ok now. It sounds like you've been through a lot.

Well waiting for a better offer makes you a flakey friend in my opinion and I would know I wasn't important to you.

Not my experience although I did have a couple of friends who ‘betrayed’ me when younger.
I have had the same best friends for 35 years now. Sometimes they/I have a bit of a ‘pissed off’ phase, but that’s the same in any close relationship.
Covid weeded out some friends, not particularly close ones, but people/activities fell off the radar a bit so my life is a bit less exciting and dh and I tend to make our own plans more on the weekend. I could make more effort but I cba either!

I have a lot of acquaintances but find it hard to turn them into friends. My closest friends are very far away though we keep in touch.

After moving around for ten years with my job I ended up leaving lots of friends behind. I had two good ones who kept in touch but it’s very sporadic.

what worked for me was I got myself a hobby and made friends through that hobby. My particular best friend now is like me a bit obsessed with said hobby and we run a group together teaching that it and I’ve now many friends that I met through that hobby.

Everyone has different expectations of what a friend is.

Not to blow my own trumpet, but I personally am very loyal, loving and generous, and I really appreciate the people in my life. I felt I had some great friends in my teens and early 20s, I made strong bonds with people I lived with and travelled with. So I expected the same from them and others for a long time. I don't really stay in touch with any of those close friends I had now. They've all moved on, moved away, have families that they prioritise, etc. So have I. As an adult, I've lowered my expectations. I now accept most friendships are fleeting and somewhat superficial. And that's fine.

I also find that as an adult, a lot of people see friendship as more of a networking thing. People 'befriend' others based on how someone can benefit them, either personally or professionally. Rather than making true friendships based on shared interests or just clicking.

Harder as we get older op. Finding people very flaky now and dont commit. I meet a friend for coffee thats it. Hobbies same or people stopped going. Sigh.

I've never been "betrayed" and can't imagine a situation where I would think this as an adult. (Maybe someone sleeping with my DH?)

When you say people betray you, what do you mean?

No experience. Got an amazing bunch of friends. Been there through the hard times and the good.

Sorry this is happened to you. X

Not my experience. I have a large-ish group of girlfriends (about 20) and I’d consider 5 of them extremely close. They are really important in my life and have never let me down (or vice versa).

My husband and I are both much closer to our good friends than to our siblings.

I do think some people put huge 'expectations' on friends as though you are still 'best friends' from school days ... as a PP put it I have a wide circle of friends, some I do volunteering with, some from Church, a couple through work ... I am still close to two friends I met at primary school .... we only meet up three - four times a year but we have a really solid friendship. But I don't need 'mates' to hang out with every week or be in constant touch by phone or text.
I have met people who clearly wanted to be friends with me but were quite suffocating and I slowly backed away (equally I have met people who clearly don't want a closer friendship with me more than a polite acquaintance and I hope I am sensitive enough to read the signs).

Unfortunately it sounds like your life has been quite chaotic. It can be difficult for friends to help, or even to want to help, when you're jumping from one awful relationship into another and on again. For a short period most friends can cope, but chaotic lives with a new drama every few months gets too much for even very good friends to manage.

So we need to find the middle ground between boring (as another pp put it) and drama eh?

she said she’s being stalked? And you’ve basically implied it’s her fault and called her dramatic.

Luck of the draw- although I’d say “betrayed” is a strong description, what happened?

I cut people a certain amount of flack everyone is busy and times change. I’ve lost friends, gained new ones- have a few core but even those may change.

Probably more they are the people in your life that are always there in the background so plod along unnoticed. Any family still in your life? Cousins? People you consider acquaintances that are always there and would pop in and out your life?