To think truly good friends don't exist?

[polon]

Or they're extremely rare?

I've had three best friends over the course of my life, two ended up treating me terribly and the third (my longest friend, god mother of my child and who I thought would always be there) is now showing to be pretty crap.

I am always there and doing my best to help friends during their time of need, but I never receive the same. Ever.

Most friends I have to contact first to meet up or make plans. I've been betrayed countless times. I have no problems making friends and several have been around for years.

I do have friends (I suppose), they're just shit. And always have been. On the days I don't have my son, I spend them alone and I've become quite lonely.

How do people find good, decent friends? And AIBU to think they're a rarity?

I don't think the loyal people necessarily are intense relationships or people that would do anything like wiping your butt. More unbiased personalities that might be sticking up for you in conversation that your not aware off :)

Friendships ebb and flow. Just like you, personalities, interests, love, marriages and everything else on the planet.

Once you realise that, having new friendships and managing expectations in the future becomes easier.

The problem isn't you OP. It is a fact of life (or even biology, science)

I could have written this . I have 6-7 very good friends who all are so different but bring different offers to the table . My 2 besties are chalk and cheese …one enjoys a good dance,wine and hugs whereas the other one is a coffee,cake and long dog walk bestie . Both are absolutely solid and dependable and absolutely no one counts who last paid / made arrangement to meet up etc .
Have recently binned one friend …first time ever ,too many passive aggressive moments,hostile ,rude ,takes everything said out of context….after years of not being brave enough to dump ,I finally have !!

I live on my own. I have given up meeting them individually as all they do is off load about their husbands for an hour then merrily go off home.

This is so much like my craft circle. Women whose husbands sound like complete rubbish from alm
they say, but who say to me “You’ve only seen the worst of men” because they know
my father and brother were losers and I’m single! Like, yeah, you’re such a good advertisement for
marriage, and btw if I’d seen the worst of men I’d be dead. Such nonsense, and part of why they will not be more than casual friendly acquaintances.

All they say. Damn tiny keyboards.

@Flittingaboutagain
Well waiting for a better offer makes you a flakey friend in my opinion and I would know I wasn't important to you.

I'd view a 'flakey friend' as one who lets you down at the last minute or is late, unrealiable etc.
When I talk about 'waiting for a better offer' l'm meaning - lt's August BH. I haven't made any plans yet but l'm most likely going to be spending it with my OH family/OH. You are important to me, but you're not my priority. If you need numbers now it's a no from me.
I don't of course always leave everyone hanging or think the world revolves around me!

Within one year she's gone into a refuge, then bounced into the next relationship with an "awful break-up". One event, not her fault. Running into another bad relationship choice when she has a child and isn't even past the last one, yes that's her poor decision making. Her life will continue to deteriorate if she continues to make chaotic decisions, or she can get counselling to make better life choices before her and her daughter get seriously hurt. A counsellor can help her see how her choices are leading to these impacts, but a friend cooing "Oh poor you" isn't actually helpful. Why would you think you're helpful telling her it isn't her fault, so she should feel supported in going after the next dickhead?

So we need to find the middle ground between boring (as another pp put it) and drama eh

To be fair, supporting a friend who is being seriously stalked would be out of my remit too. Of course I'd be there for her in the best way I could but I am not a therapist and not equipped to advise in such a situation. This is something a counsellor should be advising on. I think that is too much responsibility for a friend to deal with. It may be they found it too much and just didnt know how to cope with it. I am not excusing them, just pointing out that this is pretty heavy stuff and for me, dealing with running a business, two young kids, full time work and all my other daily responsibilities, I would have no clue where to even start with helping this scenario. I am utterly exhausted by the end of most days and whilst I would never ever drop a friend going through this, I wouldnt have the skills to fully take this on either.

Within one year she's gone into a refuge, then bounced into the next relationship with an "awful break-up". One event, not her fault. Running into another bad relationship choice when she has a child and isn't even past the last one, yes that's her poor decision making. Her life will continue to deteriorate if she continues to make chaotic decisions, or she can get counselling to make better life choices before her and her daughter get seriously hurt. A counsellor can help her see how her choices are leading to these impacts, but a friend cooing "Oh poor you" isn't actually helpful. Why would you think you're helpful telling her it isn't her fault, so she should feel supported in going after the next dickhead?

I think your assuming quite a lot here.

we don’t know she was in a relationship with the person who was stalking her? You can be stalked by complete strangers.

“a difficult break up” doesn’t necessarily indicate an abusive relationship either.

Hi OP

I'm not sure if it's my experience or not because I've not really needed anyone. But someone that messages her friend in a refuge about a hair cut and doesn't ask how they are is a shit person so definitely them not you!

However I'm guessing someone can't be this self absorbed without some warning signs. So it might be that you need to get better at spotting the warning signs. Maybe you were friends just because of shared history rather than she was actually a genuine person.

You sound quite giving and that can attract users. Msybe you need to be more careful when you select friends, are you the one who is always arranging things,putting yourself out etc? If so then move on to someone else before you become emotionally invested. Meet friend through hobbies and interests and make sure you have things in common with them.

So it's not you as in you don't deserve this somehow and you're not making them act like this. But maybe you need to get better at spotting the shit ones and letting people treat you badly in lots of little ways

Just because you & some of the other I’m alright Jack brigade on mumsnet have had a wonderful experience with friends doesn’t mean your experience will be the same for everyone else. It’s really not on to shame someone who will already be feeling incredibly low, very isolated & internally beating themself up for their situation, says a lot about you & the company you keep. Op it’s not you despite what the unfeeling & think they are the best people ever say on here, all spouting off some meme or quote that they’ve been spoon fed on faecebook or instagram. Generally people are shit & incredibly selfish as evidenced on here, try to focus in on what you really need, what nice things you could do for yourself, show yourself some compassion, there are some good people out there, you’ll all find each other eventually.

I suspect many of us are hardwired to be wary of people that have a lot of drama and turmoil in their lives in much the way we instinctively avoid those with signs of infectious disease. It isn't necessarily fair, a healthy functional person can have a lot of bad luck with their personal lives of course.

As for good friends, I think people need to fit together well especially as we get older with more pressures on our time. Sometimes you can do everything right and just not come across the right people for you.

Well firstly you need to check your expectations. People are a complex mix of good and bad traits, which means the same person who can make your day with their fun company can also upset you by forgetting your birthday. The trick is to not expect people to be everything you're looking for. Enjoy the benefits they bring and balance these against the inevitable negatives.
Obviously at times the negatives can stack up, but then it's important to take a long view. If a friend suddenly starts being rubbish, have they brought enough to your life in the past to stick around and ride the storm of what may just be a life stage (they're busy, having a tough time, struggling with life changes)?
I've got friendships 50 years old. None of us are perfect and at times we've all felt a bit what's the point about it. But these stages have passed and we're glad we were tolerant and stuck with it.

I think I see friends as people I love to be around rather than people I expect things from. I enjoy my own company, but I am sociable (in comparison to my introvert DH I am a raging extrovert but that is a distortion).

I have been let down and ghosted by people over the years but it troubles me less now as age gives me perspective. I don't expect a friend to centre me or my feelings, I don't put my friends in the centre of my life now. I probably did in my teens and twenties but I will shortly be 49.

I know that if I make plans some people will flake others will not. If I commit to something I try to honour that. I don't call or message people much in the last few years and that is not because I care little but more because the longer the gap the more difficult it is to reconnect.

I am blessed with knowing some incredible, talented and interesting people - I enjoy catching up with them and having a fun night out. I have no bandwidth for being a counsellor etc. My family needs a lot from me so I need other people to not need a lot from me for my own mental health.

That is probably making me a "bad" friend by some definitions. I see it as being a good friend to myself first.

Reading more replies I'm thinking of seasons and reasons. I can't find the quote though.

I am a similar age and should move to this mindset!

I think the best relationship you can have is the one with yourself to be honest.

FlemCandango 's post is spot on.
Friendships do indeed ebb and flow. In my mid forties and these days I have no so called best friend, though have in the past. It sounds like you are having a really diffcult time and its undoubtedly really disappointing for you not to have the support you had hoped for from your friend. This friendship has surely run its course. You need to not give so much to your friendships and therefore you won't expect so much in return. I do miss having really close friendhips, but also I personally find all consuming friendships way too much, I don't like to live in peoples pockets, my life is busy, I run a stressful business, married and have two older teenagers and that takes all my mental and physical energy. I still have friends from school, who I keep in contact with and meet up with and thats lovely, its like putting on warm slippers, as well as other friends from different stages in life who I meet up with occasionally. I've had quite intese friendhips in the past but sometimes you just have to accept frindships move on and at times that has been my decsion and at times my friends decision. No dramatic fallings out just stepping back.
I understand that it can be lonely when you don't have you child, I have been there, it does get easier. i used to love being surrounded by people and hated my own company, but I learned to enjoy my own company and often now since I've remarried do struggle to find that space to be alone. I often find spending lots of time with people drains me these days. Maybe I've just got anti social!

One thing that stuck out to me, OP, was that the friendship you mentioned are all from your childhood. I think childhood friendships are often formed because of geographical proximity, not because you are brilliantly compatible as friends. I know some people do keep their childhood friends close all their lives, but the chances of the person who just happened to live on your street/be in your class being someone who has the lifelong interests/ values/ beliefs as you is very small. We aren't the people as adults as we are aged four either, so even if you were perfectly suited to each other then, why would you be as adults?

I would look to more friendships made in adulthood for the support and closeness you would like. Childhood friends can still be part of your life, of course, but have a less central role.

I have a few good friends , my bridesmaid totally ghosted me 30 years ago and I have no idea why , I was upset but now I see her for her true colours , currently another good friend is letting me down , I practically feel like I need to make an appointment to text her

Not my experience at all. Aside from my partner, friends are the most important people in my life. You don't need large numbers of friends, but some of these friendships have lasted 40+ years. You also have to accept that these things go in phases - sometimes one friend is doing all of the taking while you are doing all of the giving. It is just how life pans out. You might not even see them very often but, when you do, it's like you've never been apart. In the old days, we had to make the effort to write letters whereas now communication is so much easier - just agree on a format that works for both of you.

Your thoughts could not be further from the reality. These friends are lovely in a group but are just exhausting one to one. I have been the unpaid counsellor for one in particular for years. When we meet it is a few questions about my life and then a monologue about her marriage. I have given her good advice and listened for years. The final straw was when she said she only does this to me. I have just made excuses about meeting one to one but we still meet as a group. I just could not cope with it any more.

Friendships evolve, and it's quite normal for different people to circle in and out of your "close" friend status... I'm not sure if it's healthy to expect the same one or two people to always occupy the best friend spot in your life, indefinitely?? 🤔

It might work that way for some people and there's certainly nothing wrong with it, but I think for most of us we grow and change and evolve our own characters and interests, etc., throughout our lives and therefore we actually come to need different things from people.

I'm still friends with a few of my old school friends from 20 years ago - in that we see each other every few months and occasionally message bits of news, and every so often it's bliss to get together and have a good catch up... I would still consider them to be close friends because we have so many years of experience, but we don't necessarily have much to do with each other day to day or even week to week!

In contrast, as I've gone on through different stages of life - working, getting married, having babies and small children, and then school-age children - I've found myself making some quite different friends. Eg people I wouldn't have thought I'd get on with before, some much older and with older family, or even some who live 3 or 4 hours away so I hardly see them in person...

I think what PP said about perspective is key, because if you're expecting a certain thing from people then you'll always feel let down if they don't deliver - whereas they might still be a very good friend in their way.

No two friendships will be the same and people can only give what they can give so you'll likely get a different level of trust and commitment from each one, if that makes sense.

This is kind of what I was trying to say but didn't word so well!! 😁

As I've got older, I've come to realise that friends, for the vast, vast majority of the time and people, are transactional relationships based on there being a shared circumstance or shared interest at a given moment in time.

Friendships rarely survive once the reason people are friends in the first place fizzle out, whether that be because you live with/close to each other, you have a shared interest etc.

Sure, if your friend moves across the country you'll maybe email each other and meet up from time to time but eventually the friendship just... finishes. And that's fine.