To be annoyed with this re DHs memory?

[Crimpingsback]

This is a ‘minor’ annoyance that due to how often it happens is really starting to get under my skin.

DH has a medical condition that impacts his memory, he isn’t old (33) but his short term memory is quite poor. He can watch a program with me and by the next day totally forget most of what happened. He is ok at remembering important things (birthdays, picking DC up from school etc.) but the minor day to day things do slip

He knows he has this issue with his memory and his GP is trying to modify some of his medications to help but it’s not working so far

Despite this he still feels at times he remembers things more than I do. For example last week we discussed our plans for today, we were going to a local park then food shopping. Friday just gone he asked me whether we needed groceries for the beach on Sunday. I asked him what he meant, he was convinced the conversation we had last week resulted in a plan to go to the beach!

I said nope, we agreed on the park. But he still will argue that he is correct.

Surely when one person in a couple has a known issue with their memory it’s most likely the other person is remembering things properly?

It only happens in the moment, as when the disagreement is over he will acknowledge his memory is shit, but when confronted it’s almost like he doesn’t want to admit he can’t remember so doubles down

AIBU to be pissed off with this?

Does anyone also know if this is something therapy could fix?

This is incredibly frustrating.. for both of you... would a family planner on the wall help?... then you can record agreed plans and refer back to them?

It depends on the medical condition I would have thought. Eg if ADHD, then I’m sure you can find various strategies online. It’s very frustrating but maybe something you have to accept..

We have a planner but I must admit I am a bit shit at keeping it updated

it doesn’t help that I have a very good memory, I still remember the first and last names of everyone I went to school with and we had a year group of 1200!

So it really bugs me when he will swear blind I am the one misremembering. Like mate you can’t even remember what you ate for breakfast 4 hours ago!

I do get your point and it must be frustrating. But it must be awful for him to know he can’t trust his own memory and have to rely on other people to tell him what’s happened/been agreed. It would make me feel very vulnerable.

My advice is to use something like Google Calendar (or similar) for everything. No matter how banal it goes into the calendar.
Then you just say "it's in the calendar" if he queries anything.

Don't minimise the impact living like this has on your self, it is destabilising and exhausting. It isn't something therapy could fix in my experience. My h has a diagnosed medical condition that cases memory problems amongst other thing. Pre diagnosis we went to couples therapy. The therapist insisted it was my responsibility to makesure he understood and remembered the information I gave him. Over the best part of a decade it has seriously damaged my mental health.
The thing with having memories problems is that by definition he can't remember what he has forgotten. It must be terrifying at times, my husband is ofter aggressively defensive if pulled up on miss remembering or not remembering things.
Are you registered as a carer? There is support out there. A charity call Mobilise do good things, and Dementia Carers Count do a lot of zoom talks on aspects of living with someone with memory loss.

It’s high blood pressure that’s causing it.

he has recently been referred to a specialist as the GP is baffled by it, in his words DH is the youngest, healthiest person he has ever seen with the level of high blood pressure he suffers with.

So it’s not even like we can adjust his diet as he eats healthily etc. some of the medication he takes doesn’t help the memory loss so the GP is experimenting but it’s a hard balance

A year ago I started recording conversations but DH got really upset with that and didn’t want to feel like he was being bugged, that was in response to him swearing blind we had discussed and agreed to call our baby a certain name (and we definitely did not!)

It’s called confabulation; the brain essentially creates a false memory to plug a gap. It’s why so many people with dementia go undiagnosed for a long time as the false memory can be so convincing that it masks their symptoms.

From experience, Google calender is great, if the person it's supporting has the executive function and memory to actually remember to use it.

I think this is a big thing for your partner to come to terms with and you saying "I know what was said - I have a great memory and remember the names of everyone" won't be helping.

I think you need a big wall planner for the monthly overview like birthdays/holidays and a mon-fri notepad or whiteboard to write down anything you agree in the moment. This doesn't mean you write it all down it could be your partner writing but could be anything from plans you have made to "Dave to cook spag bol for tea"

Not remembering what you have agreed must be frustrating for both of you but more upsetting for your partner.

I voted YABU - from your DHs perspective it must be so frustrating to have short term memory problems (through no fault of his own!) and I too would be quite defensive. You’ll need to work together to find strategies that help him.

Totally appreciate its hard for him, but it’s so annoying, surely if you knew your memory was terrible and someone else’s memory was great, in a debate you’d be a bit more open to acknowledging they are most likely correct right?

That’s the part I’m struggling with.

I know my eyesight isn’t great when I don’t wear my reading glasses, I’d never accuse DH of being wrong when reading out a sign because I know his sight is better than mine IYSWIM

It’s frustrating for you but on balance it’s worse for him having to live like this. I would cut him some slack. It will irk you when he does it but it’s understandable as he seeks opportunities to not be defeated by his own brain. Best approach is to put your empathetic hat on and find a way to not get riled if you can.

I’m not sure I’d count as a carer, he works, we both earn well etc. so not sure if we’d count

It must be really, really difficult to live with having basically no reliable short-term memory - not to mention quite scary.

I think it could be worth cutting him some slack here. I understand it's frustrating but he's not doing it on purpose, and as a PP said, his brain will be creating false memories to account for the gaps, which is why he appears so convinced that he's right.

Totally appreciate its hard for him, but it’s so annoying, surely if you knew your memory was terrible and someone else’s memory was great, in a debate you’d be a bit more open to acknowledging they are most likely correct right?

But if his brain has created false memories, he probably can't differentiate between what he knows happen and what he believes happened. He's not arguing black is white to piss you off, it's because he believes it to be true.

Having the role of a carer as well as a spouse isn't something everyone wants to label themselves with, but from what you've written, this aspect of his illness has an impact on the relationship and you have additional tasks in the home to accommodate it. We both work, I do alot that I wouldn't if we were both well.

I agree. I think the reason he's trying to convince you he's right is because just for once, he'd like to be. If it were possible, I'd even occasionally let him 'win' so he feels better about himself.

But he knows his memory isn’t good, that’s the issue for me.

Even if his brain is creating false memories, he knows this is happening, so surely if you are ever in a position to have a disagreement if you know you struggle with memory and the other person doesn’t, even if you’re sure you are correct common sense would come in?

I don't think common sense comes into it when you're suffering with something as difficult and upsetting as memory loss. It's a bit like how lots of elderly people insist that they can still drive or climb ladders even though it's obvious to an outsider that they shouldn't be doing those things.

Imagine not being able to trust anything in your brain because you don't know if it's true or not? It must be incredibly upsetting and it must also make you quite paranoid - he has to trust that everyone around him is being honest and not making things up to make him look bad.

I really do think you need to be a bit more understanding. Try not to keep getting into arguments with him, try not to get into situations where he feels he has to be "right". Maybe write down all your plans when you make them (and get him to sign?) so that you can't be drawn into a debate about it.

I think that's the problem. In many ways it's going to be harder to trust other people in their recollections not easier. Afterall if your can't trust your own recollections, why would you trust other people's to be right? Nature just doesn't work like that.

You need to run a joint calendar and voice notes and record stuff as soon as it is agreed.

That does mean bugging his conversation. That means when you reach an agreement about something you mutually agree to record it.

I agree with all the advice on a wall planner, just saves the argument in the first place.

Any chance he could have poly cystic kidney disease? My mum (and sisters) had very high blood pressure in their early thirties and this was what was causing it.

Also how does he manage the memory problems at work?

Not overly well. He is snr enough that people don’t challenge him much which is the only reason he is still in his current job