To be annoyed with this re DHs memory?

[Crimpingsback]

This is a ‘minor’ annoyance that due to how often it happens is really starting to get under my skin.

DH has a medical condition that impacts his memory, he isn’t old (33) but his short term memory is quite poor. He can watch a program with me and by the next day totally forget most of what happened. He is ok at remembering important things (birthdays, picking DC up from school etc.) but the minor day to day things do slip

He knows he has this issue with his memory and his GP is trying to modify some of his medications to help but it’s not working so far

Despite this he still feels at times he remembers things more than I do. For example last week we discussed our plans for today, we were going to a local park then food shopping. Friday just gone he asked me whether we needed groceries for the beach on Sunday. I asked him what he meant, he was convinced the conversation we had last week resulted in a plan to go to the beach!

I said nope, we agreed on the park. But he still will argue that he is correct.

Surely when one person in a couple has a known issue with their memory it’s most likely the other person is remembering things properly?

It only happens in the moment, as when the disagreement is over he will acknowledge his memory is shit, but when confronted it’s almost like he doesn’t want to admit he can’t remember so doubles down

AIBU to be pissed off with this?

Does anyone also know if this is something therapy could fix?

@Icedlatteplease

I'm starting to think the memory loss occurs most frequently when your DH wants something that he knows wasn't on anyone else's agenda

That occured to me too.

Because she is the one who has to live with him.

Of course she doesn’t believe him, she has an awesome memory, and he has the memory of a goldfish.

This could be the case - in which case arguing is a waste of energy too - plotting a divorce would be a better use of energy.

I clicked on this thread thinking it was going to be a disagreement about wording on a headstone or family refusing to acknowledge how he died so y'now... at least it's not that but I'd agree with others as soon as plans are agreed get them on a shared calendar

She doesn't have to live with him.

She's choosing to stay with him, choosing to repeat the behaviour (arguing) and seething with resentment as a result. It's no life for either of them.

Either he has a medical condition that she can't cope with, in which case she should leave.
Or she believes he's gaslighting her, in which case he's an abusive arse and she needs to leave.
Or she needs to accept he's unwell and change how she deals with it so that they don't always end up arguing.

Christ, the arrogance! I am very glad you are not in my circle of contacts. I have memory issues and admit that but there are times that I KNOW I am right but no, they won’t accept that they were wrong and I was right. That’s what your DH is living. Someone who is so fucking perfect she NEVER gets anything wrong / forgets anything. It must be so hard having a videographic memory, I’m so sorry. And no, it doesn’t sound like you like him, it sounds like you resent him.

and what is worse for me is the fear and anger you have raised in me about whether this will be my future that no-one will believe I remember anything correctly. He will be terrified, deep down

I think some people on this thread have no actual experience of what this is like on a day to day basis (I do, in my case it’s my OH’s brain injury). Sometimes it’s because I, even years down the line, manage to forget (haha) that not every detail is being remembered and it feels just impossible that he doesn’t. In our case we usually have a mini argument (but it’s rare). But here’s what I did - I promised him, and meant it, that I would never lie to him (it would be horribly easy to do). There isn’t a fix by the way and re earlier posters’ suggestions that you just give in and agree - no. You are already doing an immense amount by dealing with a non-existent short term memory that requires huge amounts of patience, you are not also required to agree red is blue. Sympathies!

I bet you have strategies in place to manage (eg overlearning, diary
, photo boards etc)...

It's easy to be angry with the OP, especially if you are living with memory loss. Might help her more to point out everything you have to do to just to get by

It must be incredibly frustrating living with someone with serious memory problems. It doesn't mean the op doesn't love him or like him, just that it is driving her crazy at times.

@TheLurpackYears I am worried about you living with such an aggressive person. Do you feel safe?

That was my argument for the recordings previously, I’d not need to do it if he wasn’t so bull headed when he knows he has issues with his memory.

He is scared.
And holding firm to his 'memory' of conversations and decisions in the family setting him is allowing him a level of control.
Push for this consultant appointment.. if the gp has been 'trying' for a long time it is clearly going nowhere.. and not helping.. GP stands for general practitioner.. not meaning to be disrespectful.. but master of none comes to mind... I have had struggles with stubborn gps who want to just try something else.... you need a specialist.. if this is medication related it must be sorted out.

Because it has been diagnosed

It also doesn’t happen when it’s something he wants

He didn’t want to call our child Edith, but he believed we had a conversation about it and he came round to it.

He has never been hiking before, but was convinced we had agreed to book a hiking holiday, despite me being unfit as anything and him never wanting to go nor having any inclination to start

It’s definitely precarious, which is why he was really pushy with the GP to push for a specialist referral, they were just going to keep him on high doses of his blood pressure medication and be done with it

Good that you know you’re right sometimes, DH isn’t when this occurs.

You're being overly sensitive and it’s easy to see why, but maybe look inwardly

OP, that sounds incredibly frustrating.

But it seems like you’re asking your DH to live a life where he always has to accept that if you disagree on something, you will by default be remembering correctly, because he is memory issues and you don’t. So he’s never allowed to push back. Even if he feels confident (rightly or wrongly) that he’s right. I don’t think you should underestimate how big an ask that is for someone - to accept that they will always be the one who’s wrong (in the context of recalling discussions etc).

He is only 33! With significant memory loss. That must be so frustrating to live with OP! He should be first in Iine to see a neurologist; he sounds seriously incapacitated. A private consultation would be worth pursuing.

Good luck to you OP, you have all my empathy.

When out like that it does make sense, but I don’t really know what the alternative is, he is wrong, 100% of the time when it comes to these mismatches in memory.

It’s hard as even external factors don’t help in those situations. For example on the baby name issue, the fact his own mother had spent the last month before she came out embroidering blankets with the name Alice didn’t make him think ‘maybe I’m wrong that we agreed months ago to call our child Edith’

Its like the memory issue starts the ball rolling but then pride keeps it growing into a bigger issue, and it’s the pride part I want to try and ‘fix’ as I know the memory issue will be a longer term problem

I am wondering whether we need to look into private treatment

The GP and all the professionals we have seen so far have said it’s down to the high blood pressure, it is extremely high, to the point the first time it was read he was rushed to hospital, they then realised that was just his blood pressure and it wasn’t going down on its own

It’s usually in the 200/130 range! Which is ‘dangerously high’

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. My husband had a seizure just over a year ago and was found to have an AVM, which then bled. The anti-seizure medication and brain surgery to deal with the AVM have had a massive impact on his memory. We get support from the Community Brain Injury Team and they've recommended strategies to help us both but I am still struggling with the arguments caused by his memory issues. He will swear blind I haven't told him something or he will make something up that he thinks I have said. I try to remember that it's not his fault but it is so frustrating, knowing that he is the one diagnosed with the memory issues, not me.
I wish I had some encouraging words of wisdom or support for you but you are not alone.

Given he’s the one with memory issues, he should write it down. Why create more work for OP? That’s not very gentle.

Thank you for this, I’m sorry you’re also going through something similar but it’s helpful knowing I’m not alone.

It’s starting to make me doubt my own sanity at times and it’s so hard

I know you’ve probably had all sorts looked at by the dr but has he had his kidneys checked? Friend’s son had very high bp ( slim, athletic, non smoke, teetotal) turned out it was something to do with his kidneys, which he’d never had direct symptoms of iyswim.

Yeah they ran blood tests and did an MRI (had to have dye injected into his blood etc) and was told those checks were for his kidneys. All came back fine

Its very odd, the doctors are pretty stumped, they said the last time they saw someone with blood pressure that high he was a 89 year old man who was hideously overweight and had already suffered 3 strokes!

Must be worrying for you both, I’d never heard of the kidney/ high bp relationship before, think friend’s son had some sort of surgery or procedure to help it.
Hope you and DH can find the root cause.

Thank you! Yes I hope we find something out soon, it seems to have stalled so this post has at least reminded me to call the GP tomorrow to see if some nagging gets things moving! If not will look into private options!