To be annoyed with this re DHs memory?

[Crimpingsback]

This is a ‘minor’ annoyance that due to how often it happens is really starting to get under my skin.

DH has a medical condition that impacts his memory, he isn’t old (33) but his short term memory is quite poor. He can watch a program with me and by the next day totally forget most of what happened. He is ok at remembering important things (birthdays, picking DC up from school etc.) but the minor day to day things do slip

He knows he has this issue with his memory and his GP is trying to modify some of his medications to help but it’s not working so far

Despite this he still feels at times he remembers things more than I do. For example last week we discussed our plans for today, we were going to a local park then food shopping. Friday just gone he asked me whether we needed groceries for the beach on Sunday. I asked him what he meant, he was convinced the conversation we had last week resulted in a plan to go to the beach!

I said nope, we agreed on the park. But he still will argue that he is correct.

Surely when one person in a couple has a known issue with their memory it’s most likely the other person is remembering things properly?

It only happens in the moment, as when the disagreement is over he will acknowledge his memory is shit, but when confronted it’s almost like he doesn’t want to admit he can’t remember so doubles down

AIBU to be pissed off with this?

Does anyone also know if this is something therapy could fix?

Wow you really don't like your husband much do you?

I don’t try to get into disagreements, but when we make plans, DC get excited etc. it’s not easy to just let his false memories ‘win’

Same applies to when he is convinced we agreed to call our child a certain name, or when we both apparently agreed to doing a certain type of holiday (one I’d never agree to)

Its like unintentional gaslighting.

It’s not just plans, the wall planner will help with that but this goes so much beyond what we decide to do at the weekend. That’s just a recent example

You asked, I answered

He stated this himself. That’s why he pushed the GP to investigate as he knows he is lucky at work, and luck does run out

I feel your pain, I sometimes feel like recording all conversations all writing down everything I've told him so I can say "see here 2 hours ago I told you this etc etc" it's infuriating.
Like a few years ago when we both worked at the same place , I had promised someone at work I would bring in some tortilla wraps for her the following day, I came down with a stomach bug that night, so didn't go to the supermarket to buy them, I told him "tell xxxx that sorry with being ill I haven't got the wraps"
Off he pops to work, cones home saying xxxx was on about some wraps or something. I said I told you this morning etc etc
"I have literally no idea what you are talking about"
It's less than 10 minute drive to work, he can't have forgotten tbh it's just like talking a fucking brick wall!

IME men are often reluctant to admit when something is "wrong" with them.

He's frightened probably. You're coming across as a bit harsh and unkind.

Start writing things on the planner, however good your own memory is.

I'd probably just try being a bit more gentle.

it doesn’t help that I have a very good memory, I still remember the first and last names of everyone I went to school with and we had a year group of 1200!

There’s your answer. You have an awesome memory and he feels inadequate so him insisting he remembers this thing or that thing better than you is him trying to compete with your memory.

So it really bugs me when he will swear blind I am the one misremembering. Like mate you can’t even remember what you ate for breakfast 4 hours ago!

🤣

I think I was gentle the first 9 years dealing with it, it drains you

9 years... and he's 33?
How has he managed to become so 'senior at work' having this bad of a memory for 9 years?
If this is really true I feel sorry for you and the poor chap. It must be terrifying.
Short of recording all your conversations I don't think there's much you can do. Yes you can write things on planners, maybe use a shared app on your phones but it will be annoying writing every single thing down.

If I were him I'd find it hard to accept.... and of course, he may still remember 'some' things so he might not be wrong all the time.

Frankly that's not a memory problem that's an arsehole problem, that is suggesting he is knowingly imposing "agreement" when he had no idea whether one existed or not.

Yes that is gaslighting no the gp can't fix it.

I went through a period where I did record everything, as when pregnant it really stressed me out and I wasn’t willing to let his shit memory cause me issues with the baby. Sounds mean but I was so over it at that point (plus hormonal, not a great combo) but he got really funny about it so have stopped since having DC.

The tipping point was when we were up at 2am the morning of my C-section arguing because he was convinced he had told me he didn’t like the name we had picked out for our daughter, and that we had agreed on a different name ‘months ago’. Was the first I had heard of it!

I'm sorry but you sound so bloody harsh. He has a health condition.

What is arguing with him achieving?

Maybe start saying 'maybe you're right, I'm not sure' and see if it de-escalated when you stop being Mrs 'I remember everything perfectly'.

Because he is skilled and qualified in his role. Also luck tbh, he has always had big projects that go well (that his memory issues couldn’t derail) he had a big promotion 4 years ago (3 leaps in terms of org chart) after his work was taken over by another company and they needed to fill out the SLT of the new larger company.

So she should just give in and say he’s right. What sexist crap.

Yes, maybe I’ll start saying ‘maybe you’re right’ to his made up memories that will have a direct impact on my and the kids, along with the wider family

Maybe you’re right the DC don’t have a football game this weekend so let’s go to the beach instead

Maybe you’re right we did agree to call our daughter Edith (when we had agreed to call her Alice after my grandmother)

Maybe you’re right we did agree to go on a hiking holiday when I can barely walk up 2 flights of steps

Maybe you’re right we did agree to go abroad for Christmas this year, despite not having the savings to do so

Well I suppose some therapy to help him come to terms with it would help. But ultimately if he doesn't even want to acknowledge it, you can't force it.
This is nuts. Seriously.
YANBU to be pissed off though. People can be pissed off at what theyt want, but when it impacts their family there does need to be some acknowledgement.

I'd record him, tell him that you are going to prove it maybe if it shows him that he's wrong so much of the time he will stop.

But I guess he'd forget the proof!

It is not sexist, it is because she's wasting her own time arguing. I fucking resent you assuming it is a sexist suggestion - that says a lot about your mindset.

Either this man has a health condition or he's an arse.

Either way, arguing is just ruining the OP's day, by the look of it.

ah fair enough.
Sounds precarious though, but as you said he acknowledhes that.
I think you ned a wider conversation about what all of this is going to mean.. it won't be easy though

So is it your position that his memory in fact works and he's just lying?

In which case the answer is divorce, surely.

If it is a health condition, what's the point of arguing?

She’s be wasting her time by pretending DH is right.p, as things would go wrong.

Your putting a stroppy man’s needs over the OP’s even though he is wrong, which is sexist.

FFS sexist my arse.

I am not sexist. I happen to have a different view.

I pity the poor guy if he ever really does need someone to care for or about him he faces a very bleak future.

Stop getting annoyed by it and stop disagreeing. Just move past it. Who is right or wrong about saying you wrte going to the park is really so unimportant.

Memory loss really just doesn't work like that.

How do you know he has memory loss? I'm starting to think the memory loss occurs most frequently when your DH wants something that he knows wasn't on anyone else's agenda

It's not about anyone "winning" anything. It's about acknowledging he has a problem with his memory and understanding that arguing about who's "right" will never achieve the result you want.

All it does is make him defensive and you angry, so why do you keep doing it?

TBH it reads to me like you don't really believe him and just want out. In which case, you need to make plans to leave him instead of focusing on "winning".