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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with this re DHs memory?

85 replies

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 17:38

This is a ‘minor’ annoyance that due to how often it happens is really starting to get under my skin.

DH has a medical condition that impacts his memory, he isn’t old (33) but his short term memory is quite poor. He can watch a program with me and by the next day totally forget most of what happened. He is ok at remembering important things (birthdays, picking DC up from school etc.) but the minor day to day things do slip

He knows he has this issue with his memory and his GP is trying to modify some of his medications to help but it’s not working so far

Despite this he still feels at times he remembers things more than I do. For example last week we discussed our plans for today, we were going to a local park then food shopping. Friday just gone he asked me whether we needed groceries for the beach on Sunday. I asked him what he meant, he was convinced the conversation we had last week resulted in a plan to go to the beach!

I said nope, we agreed on the park. But he still will argue that he is correct.

Surely when one person in a couple has a known issue with their memory it’s most likely the other person is remembering things properly?

It only happens in the moment, as when the disagreement is over he will acknowledge his memory is shit, but when confronted it’s almost like he doesn’t want to admit he can’t remember so doubles down

AIBU to be pissed off with this?

Does anyone also know if this is something therapy could fix?

OP posts:

pudcat · 11/06/2023 20:51

Just a thought, have you actually spoken to the doctor/consultant about this? Have you seen his BP results? Or is it what your husand has told you?

Original poster

Crimpingsback · 11/06/2023 20:54

pudcat · 11/06/2023 20:51

Just a thought, have you actually spoken to the doctor/consultant about this? Have you seen his BP results? Or is it what your husand has told you?

He has to measure his BP 3 times a day, I see the results as they come up…

MN never ceases to amaze me at the lengths posters will reach to regarding a man lying

OP posts:

NewMum0305 · 11/06/2023 21:02

That must be infuriating.

If it was me (and of course, I have no experience of this), I would get my husband to WhatsApp me as soon as we had made any decisions that needed to be stuck to (agreements on names, plans that affect the kids, baby names(!)) with confirmation of what had been decided, so he could see that he had said it later on, and anything more minor (eg what had been agreed for dinner), I would probably try and learn to let go (eg “That’s not what I recall us agreeing but fine, let’s do the chicken”) though fully appreciate the latter is easier said than done.

But yes, getting treatment for the condition is obviously most important for the long term. Sounds so tough for both of you x

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 11/06/2023 21:37

NewMum0305 · 11/06/2023 19:26

OP, that sounds incredibly frustrating.

But it seems like you’re asking your DH to live a life where he always has to accept that if you disagree on something, you will by default be remembering correctly, because he is memory issues and you don’t. So he’s never allowed to push back. Even if he feels confident (rightly or wrongly) that he’s right. I don’t think you should underestimate how big an ask that is for someone - to accept that they will always be the one who’s wrong (in the context of recalling discussions etc).

Thank you - this is spot on. You have explained it perfectly, apart from the last sentence - “the one who is always assumed to be wrong”. The default is ‘you’re wrong because you’ve got memory issues’

pudcat · 12/06/2023 08:43

Crimpingsback MN never ceases to amaze me at the lengths posters will reach to regarding a man lying
I have not accused your* *husband of lying, you mentioned gaslighting and if you know what the consultant has said and your husbands BP then you must realise that he can't help it. My husband now has emphysemia and as a result his memory is not right through lack of oxygen to the brain. It is hard but do what you both decided in the first place before he forgot it, as chances are he will forget his new suggestions.

SBHon · 12/06/2023 08:49

Do you usually have your phone to hand? Set up a WhatsApp group between you and him that’s essentially for memory admin then easily send a brief note message to it when you have discussions like those. Much easier than having to go to a planner.

stayathomegardener · 12/06/2023 18:40

ColdBanana · 11/06/2023 19:00

I think some people on this thread have no actual experience of what this is like on a day to day basis (I do, in my case it’s my OH’s brain injury). Sometimes it’s because I, even years down the line, manage to forget (haha) that not every detail is being remembered and it feels just impossible that he doesn’t. In our case we usually have a mini argument (but it’s rare). But here’s what I did - I promised him, and meant it, that I would never lie to him (it would be horribly easy to do). There isn’t a fix by the way and re earlier posters’ suggestions that you just give in and agree - no. You are already doing an immense amount by dealing with a non-existent short term memory that requires huge amounts of patience, you are not also required to agree red is blue. Sympathies!

This!

stayathomegardener · 12/06/2023 18:53

I'm having similar issues with my DH recently and it's so frustrating having to argue with him regarding mis remembered things.

He's so much better than me visually that I've always deferred to him when seeing long distance, setting out a level or a straight line.

Something that looks straight or level to me by eye when checked by a laser level or a right angle is exactly where DH's eye places it.

Why on earth wouldn't I just default to his natural abilities.
Surely it works two ways.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/06/2023 19:00

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 11/06/2023 19:00

Christ, the arrogance! I am very glad you are not in my circle of contacts. I have memory issues and admit that but there are times that I KNOW I am right but no, they won’t accept that they were wrong and I was right. That’s what your DH is living. Someone who is so fucking perfect she NEVER gets anything wrong / forgets anything. It must be so hard having a videographic memory, I’m so sorry. And no, it doesn’t sound like you like him, it sounds like you resent him.

and what is worse for me is the fear and anger you have raised in me about whether this will be my future that no-one will believe I remember anything correctly. He will be terrified, deep down

Then, surely for your own protection, you would do something such as have a large whiteboard to write down lists, plans, updates and suchlike - because you can point to the board and say 'there it is'?

It's how I deal with having the attention span of a flea - whilst my memory is very, very good and I can juggle multiple things at once, the board doesn't just facilitate some space in a head like a bag of eels, it's unequivocal proof that nothing has been forgotten, filed under 'do that later' but something more pressing has pushed it further out, or misremembered.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 12/06/2023 19:05

I think you're just going to have to say tough shit if you find recording things intrusive. And keep the recordings as back up.

If he's going to get arsey about misremembering then you need the proof.

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