Can't stop crying in the car.

[Orange0]

Currently sat outside my house crying in the car. Feel like driving off and just disappearing

I know it's awful but keep having daydreams about my husband and older son not existing. They are both ND - DS is 6. On waiting lists. He hits me all the time. Smears food on the walls. Every single little thing is a battle. You know those posts on here where people are like "I know this awful kid, is it OK if I don't invite them to my wedding/house/party" - that's my kid. And I'm trying so fucking hard. Nothing work.

My DS2 is a totally different story. He's 4. And although he has his moments it's completely different. I can sooth him, show him stuff, he has fun with me. If that's what's parenting is meant to be like - it's so great.

My DH shows me v little affection. Finds it all impossible

I do love my older DS but oh my god...when it's just me and younger DS in the house its a dream. My house isn't destroyed. I don't get stuff thrown at me. I can't stop thinking about me and younger DS just the two of us. I'm an awful person.

If parenting for other kids is like DS2 I'd have a million of them. It's an absolute joy. Exhausting but I feel we are working on stuff together. Like he loves me. DS1 acts like he wants to destroy anything and everything I try to do.

I have no one to talk to. I'm posting I don't know why. I'm an awful mum feeling like this. I do love him. I do. But he ruins every day, every nice thing I try to do. Not on purpose but doesn't mean its any less awful.

Aw op, that sounds awful. And I don’t even think there is much you can do about it which makes it so much worse and so hard to accept. My neighbour is like this- her son is disabled and is extremely difficult to deal with. I feel very sorry for you. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but you aren’t a bad mum for thinking this! It’s an illness that you can’t parent him out of, not even the best parent on the planet could. Hang in there

You aren’t a bad mum to think this. Are there charities you could seek support from?

You’re not an awful mum, you sound exhausted and worn down. I’m really sorry I don’t have any suggestions. 💐

Defiantly not a bad mum, just an exhausted, overwhelmed and emotionally drained mum I imagine. Don't give yourself such a hard time I bet you go above and beyond for your DS's daily

I’m so sorry @Orange0. I know how you feel.

I didn’t want to read and run but I don’t have any magic advice for you.

I’ve felt like you many times, and now my son is 21 and life is easier.

I always said, if he was my first, he’d have been an only child.

I can only suggest you reach out for help. If you haven’t already, contact social services to get a carers assessment done. People worry about SS being involved but your son is a child in need and there is support out there.

Good luck.

No advice but, no, you're not a terrible person. You're a normal human being who is under terrible pressure.

You are not a bad mum. You're a mum who's trying her bloody best and is absolutely knackered.
You are a good person.

You're a brilliant and exhausted mum with such a heavy responsibility too.

In my experience a support group of similar mums is the way forward. If you have a health visitor still (or equivalent from school) could they suggest one?

I know it's a lot to do, but could you set your own one up? There are lots of 'you' out there battling away.

In the short term, right now, could you go for a drive and sit somewhere alone for 20 minutes?

Op, have you seen this, it made me feel better:

Also, this is hard to read but worth it:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8248373/

You're not an awful mum. Parenting ND children can be exhausting at the best of times and your situation sounds especially tough.

You'd probably find it a lot easier if your husband was a bit more supportive. Finding it difficult isn't an excuse. He's a dad. He needs to step up

Oh OP, you are not an awful mum. If you were you wouldn't care so much.

Do you have any family who can support you? You say that your DH shows you little affection- does he help in other ways and do his share of the parenting? It all sounds really hard.

Say more about your DH. Is he pulling his weight at least?

Thank you @Anewuser the lovely authority have been a bit of help. As has the school. He's in mainstream. We don't have a social worker or anything though.

DS has been furious since he was born. Health visitor said it's colic and we just kept going. It only got really extreme when he was 2 though (after I was pregnant again).

I think the thing I struggle with the most is not being able to do anything...so friends invite us to things for kids...petting zoos, pantomime etc and I either go and have a nervous break down or get humiliated because he hits me so hard in frotn of everyone...or I say no....and then DS2 suffers.

I will try to find support. The school have told me i should find a group and sent me some suggestions

Thank you everyone. I'm out the car!

@ShinyCaptain he seems to nap all the time! He's asleep on the sofa right now. He does help but he also checks out a lot.

You're not wrong to feel that way OP. Anybody would feel the same. You are human.

You do not, however have to excuses your DH's behaviour. ND or not he is an adult. It is not your job to be his carer.

I'm not one to LTB but if he is useless and just adding more stress you might find that you are better off without him.

Are there any practical things you could do to make your life easier?
You talk of food smearing on walls, could you get the plastic splash panels often used in the bathroom to give a wipe clean surface?

DH is trickier, if he is actively making your life harder you dont need to stay with him. Or being together but living separately is an option. If he has ASD you may well need to break things down into one step tasks. Ideally you wouldn't have to do this but it might help.

he seems to nap all the time! He's asleep on the sofa right now. He does help but he also checks out a lot.

Is there a reason for this? Are you both working? A healthy father of two shouldn't regularly be snoozing while his wife deals with two kids.

I have two ND children, believe me you’re not awful and I’ve had moments of just wanting to walk away (especially when one was a toddler, he was so difficult through no fault of his own of course). What clicked for me was that honestly it wasn’t the children’s needs that was the killer, it was the lack of support from their father (who I'm certain is undiagnosed ASD). I found support in other parents with children that have additional needs, people who don’t judge when you have days like these and just want to rant. I also now have Saturday to myself, I go to the gym, sort my house, sit and watch endless box sets with a glass of wine - it has saved my mental health. Is there any way you can be given a break?

Are you still with the kids' father..?

No I’m not and I do appreciate that having a day to yourself is near impossible when still together. However some level of break is absolutely necessary, and not just going to work or going to get shopping alone (the latter was something my ex considered me ‘having a break’ 🙄). Me choosing to separate means he has to take the children on a weekend and I don’t feel any guilt because it’s their time with dad. You know, after months on end before I actually had to suggest he had his children overnight…

You're not a bad mum, you've just been dealt a very tough hand.

It must be draining, but if you can get some sort of help, please do.

OP - I feel you, I really do. I have teenage twins, one NT and the other ND. ND was diagnosed at age 5. I get screamed and sworn at almost 24/7. Every chance she gets. If there's nothing to argue about she will pick a fight about nothing - eg a dirty teaspoon in the kitchen sink can trigger a fullblown meltdown. She screams me awake in the mornings and then blames me for starting an argument. It's utterly exhausting, day in and day out. I get a knot in my stomach when it's time for her to come home from school. I absolutely dread school holidays.

NT is such a pleasure. Kind, polite, loving, helps around the house etc. The difference between them is like night and day.

Yes, I have thought of leaving ND with her dad and just disappearing with NT. I have thought about ending my life. However, this would leave the kids at the mercy of their DF (my ex) who is an abusive narcissistic bully.

I cry in the car. And know that sitting in your car outside the house is a form of self care.

This is a good group to join: Newbold Hope - Family Support Group | Facebook

You're not a bad mother, you're simply doing your best in an impossible situation.

You say he's on waiting lists, does that include occupational therapy? OT input should hopefully identify his sensory needs (eg food smearing) and come up with ways to meet them in a more controlled way.

Have you done much reading/research about autism? At the moment it sounds like you're both speaking different languages. He's lashing out and being difficult when you go out for the day because he's overwhelmed and cannot cope for whatever reason (new place, change to routine, noises, smells etc.). Leave him at home with your husband, take the youngest by yourself. Swap things around. Dad takes youngest out for the day whilst you stay home with the eldest. All spend time together doing something the eldest can cope with. Its hard but it gets easier when you can forget the ideas you had and parent the child you have, not the one you thought you'd have - if that means he stays home where he's happy whilst his brother goes to the farm/zoo/whatever, that's fine - we think he should enjoy things like this but in reality he doesn't and is probably happier at home (or doing an activity of his preference).

I can highly recommend the book How to have a happy autistic child. Once you start to be able to "speak" his language it will get easier. Find yourself some peer support as well. Parents of other ND kids will understand in a way that no one else will. We have a local group that meets fortnightly, lots of safe play stuff for the kids where they can be themselves, and a good supportive group of parents.

Sorry got the name.of the book slightly wrong. It's written by a NT mother of an autistic boy

Am so sorry you are having to experience this. You are not a bad mum just exhausted having to deal with a terrible situation. I think most people would feel the way that you do. Are there any organisations that could offer support? Your DH is a difficult situation but even with his own needs he should be a part of trying to deal with all of this. It's not right if he is not a part of trying to deal with all of this.