Can't stop crying in the car.

[Orange0]

Currently sat outside my house crying in the car. Feel like driving off and just disappearing

I know it's awful but keep having daydreams about my husband and older son not existing. They are both ND - DS is 6. On waiting lists. He hits me all the time. Smears food on the walls. Every single little thing is a battle. You know those posts on here where people are like "I know this awful kid, is it OK if I don't invite them to my wedding/house/party" - that's my kid. And I'm trying so fucking hard. Nothing work.

My DS2 is a totally different story. He's 4. And although he has his moments it's completely different. I can sooth him, show him stuff, he has fun with me. If that's what's parenting is meant to be like - it's so great.

My DH shows me v little affection. Finds it all impossible

I do love my older DS but oh my god...when it's just me and younger DS in the house its a dream. My house isn't destroyed. I don't get stuff thrown at me. I can't stop thinking about me and younger DS just the two of us. I'm an awful person.

If parenting for other kids is like DS2 I'd have a million of them. It's an absolute joy. Exhausting but I feel we are working on stuff together. Like he loves me. DS1 acts like he wants to destroy anything and everything I try to do.

I have no one to talk to. I'm posting I don't know why. I'm an awful mum feeling like this. I do love him. I do. But he ruins every day, every nice thing I try to do. Not on purpose but doesn't mean its any less awful.

Your DH sounds more asshole than autistic tbh. The two are not the same

Your DS1 sounds like he desperately needs reassurance and to know he is loved. You are clearly, obviously, a devoted and loving mother, but that might not be coming across to him. From his perspective (and autistic people feel things just as deeply as other people even if they express them differently) he might see a mother who delights in his brother's company and not in his. So he hits and screams to get a reaction because at least that is attention. And I get that this sounds like mother-blaming and dear God it's not meant to - you are doing so much and trying so hard. But there might be stuff you can do to make things easier to both of you.

Ideas that might help. 1) Explosive Child. Specifically the idea that you believe that DS1 does well if he can, and if he can't that means he hasn't got the skills to. From that you take one incident when he behaved badly and instead of asking him.why he brhaved badly you ask him what was tough for him about that situation. Then you work - together - on figurimg out a way of making it better. Slow and hard and frustrating but it can work and it can reset the relationship because you're on the same side.

2. Damian Milton's double empathy idea. Autistic and NT communication styles are/can be equally valid - it's about understanding each other.

3. Tell him you love him. Tell him you're proud of him. I know you do this already, but he's living in a world that's pretty hostile to.him and the more he can believe he is loved the easier that is to face.

There's a poem - Late Fragment by Raymond Carver:

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

4. He loves you. He loves you because you're his mum and because you are kind and terrific. He might not have a goddamn clue how to show it, but he does.

What a great post, @SusiePevensie

Bless your soul. Of course you're not a bad mum, you're a wonderful mum, for looking after your older DS despite all this, for making sure your younger DC is so well looked after in the wake of your older DC's needs.

I have 3, younger 2 are boys, and let me tell you that even without ND it can be absolutely exhausting and my middle son is very different to my youngest and quite difficult. I love him so much and he is so sweet and funny but his behaviour has me sometimes feeling very "I can't wait for bed time even though you have only been home from school for 10 minutes". So I can completely imagine your situation is taking its toll on you.

I wish I had some advice that would be helpful, but all I come with is empathy and understanding. It does help me to remind myself how little my son is (he's the same age as your boy) and how much he needs me, and how even though he will seemingly laugh at my pain if he causes yet another mess, he will come and give me a cuddle and pick me flowers the next morning. Because the ill feelings we sometimes attribute to bad behaviour are projection, and they just make the who situation 100 times worse. So remember that your son loves and needs you, ND people just have different needs and communicate differently. And some people, regardless of personality or neurodiversity, are just absolutely shit at certain ages!! 😂

This post made me cry, it's so helpful to anyone who's children are behaving in a difficult manner, thank you for writing it out like this and for reminding me

Do you think there's a chance that things would be calmer if you didn't have your husband in the mix?

Do you think he exacerbates the situation?

It's not awful.

You're coping much better than I would. I think they know how much you care.

How much 'custody' do you think your DH would really want? Even with DS2?

Thank you @SusiePevensie your post made me cry too! And thank you to everyone else for their support and understanding @CandlelightGlow MN ain't so bad

OK...so I don't mean to sound up my own arse but I can actually stay relatively calm. I had to do nit treatment on both boys today and honestly it was hell, mayhem, washing it out DS1 was responding like I was pouring boiling water on his head. But I get it. I see geniune discomfort and fear. And I used the technique @SusiePevensie of "what are you finding hard" and he responded well to that telling me how horrible the water feels etc and we got through it.

But yeah if he hits me, throws stuff, I do tell him its not OK but the love and the reassurance part of me sticks around. People often comment on how calm i am. DH think I'm weak. He sees calmness as passive.

I do think DH is making it harder. He got wound up at nit treatment and then abandoned it "I can't do anything right blah blah" so I'm left with boy boys in the shower.

He would absolutely go for as much custody as he could get though. I genuinely think he's thinks I'm some weak useless mum. He probably think he would never to save his sons from me! @Nanny0gg

Just wanted to say I've been there, it's tough! The good news is it does change, there's challenges but they are different, and eventually I have a relatively independent adult dd (she's financially dependent on us but she mostly looks after herself and hopefully will graduate next year aged 25.) I've since divorced and exh is now showing even more traits, more paranoia, depression etc.

I wonder what a good solicitor would have to say about that though...

@gogohmm did you divorce your DH after your dd had grown up?

Are things a bit easier?

OP, I feel for you, you truly seem like a good person with way too much to handle by herself.

@Orange0 read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/9ebinx/my_sons_journey_with_autism_and_cbd_oil/

You have so much on your plate. We are also a ND household and it brings significant challenges.

The thing that helps me most is a Scottish Facebook group called Trauma Informed Parenting (TIP)

On the face of it it's for children who are adopted with trauma. But what's commonly is found is a ND brain is constantly traumatised.

This group gave me proper solutions and strategies. They are calm, affirming, non judgmental and encouraging.

They do an introductory course so you understand the principles of TIP.

It worked for us.

Best wishes, it's a hard journey.

Leave your husband
He shows you no affection
Share the Kia so you get a few days break a week