Can't stop crying in the car.

[Orange0]

Currently sat outside my house crying in the car. Feel like driving off and just disappearing

I know it's awful but keep having daydreams about my husband and older son not existing. They are both ND - DS is 6. On waiting lists. He hits me all the time. Smears food on the walls. Every single little thing is a battle. You know those posts on here where people are like "I know this awful kid, is it OK if I don't invite them to my wedding/house/party" - that's my kid. And I'm trying so fucking hard. Nothing work.

My DS2 is a totally different story. He's 4. And although he has his moments it's completely different. I can sooth him, show him stuff, he has fun with me. If that's what's parenting is meant to be like - it's so great.

My DH shows me v little affection. Finds it all impossible

I do love my older DS but oh my god...when it's just me and younger DS in the house its a dream. My house isn't destroyed. I don't get stuff thrown at me. I can't stop thinking about me and younger DS just the two of us. I'm an awful person.

If parenting for other kids is like DS2 I'd have a million of them. It's an absolute joy. Exhausting but I feel we are working on stuff together. Like he loves me. DS1 acts like he wants to destroy anything and everything I try to do.

I have no one to talk to. I'm posting I don't know why. I'm an awful mum feeling like this. I do love him. I do. But he ruins every day, every nice thing I try to do. Not on purpose but doesn't mean its any less awful.

Urgh. What is the point of him? Sounds like he actively makes it worse.

Does he have any redeeming features?

Firstly @Orange0 , sorry you’ve had such a rough morning. It’s not clear why he couldn’t have attended to your eldest, but blaming you for a meltdown is completely not ok. If you are the one constantly dealing with the eldest in distress then of course your stress will be picked up on and it becomes an endless cycle. Completely unfair.

Yes, the conversation thing drove me mad as well. When we first dated I found the eccentricity quite sweet. I’m awaiting an adhd diagnosis and I know those with the condition and those with ASD do find companionship with each other far easier than with NT people! But after we had kids and he moved into his ‘dream job’, every single conversation revolved around that. It didn’t matter what I was talking about, he managed to shoehorn his work into it - literally anything from what the kids were doing at school, to something random I saw at the shops. I call it ‘one time at band camp’ syndrome.

The unable to take any criticism (whether is truly is or not) actually bordered on a form of gaslighting type behaviour. I’d ask him not to shout at our children when they were already overstimulated/in meltdown and I’d get ‘I’m not shouting, I’m raising my voice. You don’t know the difference, you can’t tell me how to speak to my own children.’. He started getting very poor with personal hygiene, but suggesting the need for a shower or even change socks was met with hostility. Apparently he couldn’t smell himself so genuinely didn’t understand how anyone else could have a problem. During lockdown he had an online meeting, his usually very short hair was hugely overgrown and I said he needed to brush it before going online - he had a literal meltdown. Told me he didn’t know how to brush his hair, foot stomping, more shouting. I realised around this time that I couldn’t do it anymore, but it took a while longer to get myself together and move out with the kids (a whole other story).

Co-parent is ok. I arrange everything, I even have to pack clothes every weekend as he hasn’t arranged anything for his house. He has them for just over 24 hours but seems to manage ok. They’re fed, have some playtime with dad and go to sleep. He still chooses not to get involved in their actual care, I asked him to sort out medication for our eldest recently as he lives much closer to the gp (and the pharmacy is on the road over from his house). Never happened, I sorted it all. He doesn’t arrange days out, if I do and invite him he’s often rude and says inappropriate things to me. He pays me a nominal amount every month and often forgets. It’s a grit teeth and appreciate what I do get in terms of a break, but the kids love their dad so at least I know they’re happy as well.

Thank you @Gerrataere for sharing. Sometimes I feel divorce is an absolutely barmy idea...when I've got my hands full, DS has just whacked me round the head, DS2 is begging for attention, and really in those moments having 2 of us doesn't just feel helpful, it feels vital.

But i know my needs for a grown up relationship aren't being met...not one jot. He's like a sulky but sometimes helpful teenage boy.

I think i accept I will always do all the admin for DS. In fact DH just snapped at me "what you doing on your laptop all evening" when I'm writing various emails to people about things to do with DS (and this sneaky visit to MN of course). I don't think DH will ever change so i must accept or leave. I do feel terrified at the thought of being 85 and knowing I spent my whole life with someone who gave me so little love.

This sounds so tough, op. Does he have any idea you feel like this? Would counselling help do you think or is this just him?

Isn't the advice not to have counselling with an abusive partner? He definitely comes across as abusive and it sounds very much like he is making an already tough situation virtually intolerable for OP.

It’s very tough when your partner has autism (or presents with the traits). Abuse is deliberate, many people with ASD can’t help not understand the needs of other due to their own lack of executive functioning and poor communication along with emotional difficulties. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to live with of course.

You are allowed to runaway. I understand you don't want to.

What consequences does your son have for being violent towards you? Is he like that at school?

An ND child is hard. Incredibly hard. Unless you've experienced it, it really isn't possible to fully understand. I am a parent of a ND and I cry a lot.

Are you getting any support? There's no magic solution but joining a local parent support group has helped me not feel so alone. I've also requested help from CAMHs, social services etc. Even if they don't really help at least it makes you feel like you are trying all possible options.

I don't why I'm posting again. I have nowhere else to turn.

DS got himself wound up about pasta needing to be separated at dinner. DH impatient. Ended up with sauce on our walls and broken dishes. Ds2 got off his chair and trying to tidy up broken crockery as other DS screaming. DH shouting "you're appauling" at DS.

Ds hitting me. I flinch now all the time when I'm with him you know.

I basically ignore ds2. Him running round the kitchen trying to pick up bits of pasta and crockery that his older brother had smashed...its broken me.

I'm trying to get ds1 to sleep and I feel like I might explode. I've never felt depressed before. Always been happy but honestly sometimes right now I feel like I don't want to exist. I can't make anything better.

It's pathetic posting again. There is no solution.

Thank you @Lindy2 I cry a lot too. I've cried more in the last 2 years than my whole life. You're right I need some support or something because I'm not coping.

This sounds very very difficult OP, I'm so sorry. You say you feel like you no longer want to exist - have you told your GP you feel like that? Keep venting on here, it's good to get it out.

Can you talk to someone Irl? Any friends and family who can give you a break?

Don’t worry about crying, that’s natural and a lot of us do it. I know that won’t make you feel any better.

Consider ringing your local county council Social services Emergency Duty Team. They will be available out of hours and should support you.

It's an awful situation to be in and your whole family are clearly struggling.

Keep talking and reaching out here.

x

Oh OP, you are doing your absolute best in an impossible situation.

Would your DH be open to facilitating some 1-on-1 time? i.e. each Saturday morning one parent and one child does a solo activity outside of the house (or one goes out whilst the other stays in). Next weekend you swap. At least you can each carve out some quality time with each child.

Poor DS2 picking up the broken pieces of bowl... I can so relate to that - I was a child in an angry house. I felt that I had to tread on eggshells and make things right to calm the situation down. I still panic if someone gets angry and go into "fix it" mode. My heart really goes out to you and your family.

@DeedlessIndeed I grew up in an angry house too and I'm the fixer too, just like you. I was always a cheerful funny kid trying to make everything OK. I vowed to not have an angry home. And now history is repeating itself. I know what it does to someone to grow up being the little kid who fixes everything as do you....and now I'm doing it to my kid. It feels horrendous. And unfixable.

I try to dedicate time to DS2 but DH refuses to be left with DS1. And if I insist then the shouting starts because DH can't stay calm. And I can't not step in.

How am I trying my hardest and yet its still so shit?

Thank you for people support.

Sounds hard, op. At the risk of being blunt, do you think your life with dc would be harder or easier without your partner around? I know you’re struggling with DS for understandable reason but is it making it harder having to manage your partner as well, or is he better than nothing.

Sorry @Orange0 , I didn't mean to make you feel guilty. This situation is not your fault. You are doing your absolute best and your children will know that deep down.

Is there anything DS1 enjoys? Activites? Groups targeted towards SEN? Even if you had a little oasis where you could do something really positive with DS2, could help you get through the week.

Also, I don't usually believe ultimatums work, but with your DH giving you zero love or support, I think you need to. He needs to step up, or leave. At that point he will have to deal with the situation solo - he doesn't get a checking out option I'm afraid.

Hi op I just want to say hang in there x

You sound like you are a great mum because you care, I can’t make it easier for you but your son sounds like he is struggling and it’s good he’s on the pathway for assessments which should identify how to help him. That can be a long process but remember he isn’t doing it to hurt you. In the meantime find a parent support group, go online and get as much information as you can.
When you go through the assessment process tell them everything he struggles with, tell them all the behaviours even if you think it’s not significant as it will help build a picture of his needs.
and don’t forget to look after yourself too xxx

@HMMOG if I'm being totally brutal...and I feel like an absolute awful person saying this but it would be

Least hard: DH doesn't exist at all
Hard: married to DH
Hardest: having DH as an ex partner and sharing custody.

Does that make sense?

Fuck. I just read that last message back. Please don't think I meant it as badly as I expressed it. That looks bloody horrendous written down.

Doesn’t sound bad at all- I know what you mean.

I've a ds who's autistic and my other ds on the waiting list for an assessment, its relentless the damage, the mess, the shouting all the bloody time and yep being "those kids and that family" that are always left out. It gets you to the end of your rope that's for sure!

That sounds tough for you op especially when DC1 is at such a challenging stage.

My adult autistic sibling also struggles to express things in ways others understand but wants to do so and really prefers to be told directly what to do. ('When I am in tears- make me a cup of tea / put your arms around me like this...' you might get a cup of tea when crying over a lottery win of course!)

Is your DH like this?

Ignore my post/ I am guilty of not reading far enough. Your DH has other traits!

Sorry you are having to cope with so much 💐

What would be hardest about DH as ex?

Would he even want to share custody?
How would daily life be more difficult? ) He seems to wind things up rather than help or support and he adds to the anger in the house?

What does he contribute?
What does he make worse?