Can't stop crying in the car.

[Orange0]

Currently sat outside my house crying in the car. Feel like driving off and just disappearing

I know it's awful but keep having daydreams about my husband and older son not existing. They are both ND - DS is 6. On waiting lists. He hits me all the time. Smears food on the walls. Every single little thing is a battle. You know those posts on here where people are like "I know this awful kid, is it OK if I don't invite them to my wedding/house/party" - that's my kid. And I'm trying so fucking hard. Nothing work.

My DS2 is a totally different story. He's 4. And although he has his moments it's completely different. I can sooth him, show him stuff, he has fun with me. If that's what's parenting is meant to be like - it's so great.

My DH shows me v little affection. Finds it all impossible

I do love my older DS but oh my god...when it's just me and younger DS in the house its a dream. My house isn't destroyed. I don't get stuff thrown at me. I can't stop thinking about me and younger DS just the two of us. I'm an awful person.

If parenting for other kids is like DS2 I'd have a million of them. It's an absolute joy. Exhausting but I feel we are working on stuff together. Like he loves me. DS1 acts like he wants to destroy anything and everything I try to do.

I have no one to talk to. I'm posting I don't know why. I'm an awful mum feeling like this. I do love him. I do. But he ruins every day, every nice thing I try to do. Not on purpose but doesn't mean its any less awful.

I’ve got two ND sons and I’m ND too. Actually my youngest would be considered more autistic than my eldest but youngest (apart from when he was a toddler) has been very well-behaved. I was a frightened little mouse as a child and never did anything wrong. And my DH was an arse but I don’t think he’s autistic….more narcissistic. I’m sorry but I have to point that out. I had absolutely no idea that I was autistic until I was 42.

I don’t have any solutions. I remember sitting crying in my car and slapping myself around the face because I was just so distressed. I’d go into the middle of nowhere and scream. In fact sometimes I’d go into the kitchen and scream and I refuse to feel bad about that because I’m human.

OP I’m sorry it’s so hard. I’m autistic and have put my parents through hell and still do to a certain extent. You are doing brilliantly and so are my parents.

The only thing I wanted to say is that if he is like me your older one loves you even if he doesn’t show it in the same way as your 4 year old. He doesn’t express or express it in the same way.

@AutieAdult your post had a very immediate impact on me! I'm currently lying in a dark room on the floor next to my DS bed as he kicks the wall and talks to himself trying to get to sleep. He likes me to stay with him. I just read your message in the dark and then got off the floor and curled myself round him and told me how proud I am to be his mummy and that I love him very very much. He smiled and is now asleep. Thank you.

😊

I really struggled after ds diagnosis. I had CBT and did a mindfulness course and I paid for some hypnotherapy. It al helped me learn to manage in the present and accept my life now.

You should ask school to refer you to a family support worker for help with hitting

You might be entitled to respite care - ask school or go to help

@Gerrataere @TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed do you find it easier to parent your ND kids now you're not with their DFs anymore?

I feel quite lonely in this marriage. He often does things that I find bewildering. He actually came outside to look for me and found me crying in the car this afternoon and he threw his glass of water at the window and laughed. I don't think he's trying to be mean..he doesn't know what to do. But it doesn't mean it doesn't feel shit. All I need is a cuddle and him to make me a cup of tea but that isn't going to happen anytime soon I don't think.

But I still think it will be harder without him as he does help with bed, bath, food, and it means I can occasionally see a friend or something in the evening.

Please ask him to read the book men are from mars women are from Venus- it will explain to him how he can help you. (They say autism is an 'extreme male' brain!)

Oh OP, how horrible. Have you asked him what he meant by that? He may be ND but he must know that you being in tears isn’t funny?

You are dealing with 2 children and a man child on your own. Please ask the school to help you find help. If your Husband can't act like an adult maybe it is time for him to leave, does he hold down a job ?

He threw his water at the window??
your husband did this?

Yes absolutely. Was so much better when I got rid of their dad. I wasn't this frustrated highly strung person I thought I was, I was just suffocated by the wrong man. I could get a proper routine going on with him gone.

If anything you'll get more time to yourself when they go to their dads tbh.

I understand. People judge me when I say I wish I'd never had kids. Makes me roll my eyes

he doesn't know what to do. But it doesn't mean it doesn't feel shit. All I need is a cuddle and him to make me a cup of tea but that isn't going to happen anytime soon I don't think.

Do you actually tell him what you need when you need it or do you leave him to guess?
My friends partner is autistic and this is something that just kept happening in their relationship, friend resented their partner not automatically knowing what they needed in the moment but for some ND people it's almost impossible to read the room and know what to do.

If he is told clearly what he needs to do to help and when, do you think he would try his best or is this just a case of , he doesn't care about supporting you?

Either way, you need more support op, I hope school can help.

You absolutely need time away for yourself, one evening a week- at least!

Pick an evening and tell him your plan and leave him to parent his children.

❤️

I wish I had some clever, supportive words of comfort

You poor thing , sen parenting is so fucking hard . The waiting list for help that often isn't there is diabolical , you should like you need residential breaks from son ,

As for your husband being nd is no excuse and if he doesn't give you what you want in a relationship it's ok to leave you are not his career

You're not a bad mum!

I'm the same, ds is now 12 he has a moderate learning disability, autism, adhd, sleep disorder to name a few and oh my god the early days were SO hard. I used to want to run for the hills frequently!
He's now in a SEN school, and now he's older it's gotten a lot easier.
He still has his moments where I want to rip my hair out, but it's a lot calmer.
Hang in their mumma. Maybe book yourself a hotel away, you deserve it!

OP I completely empathise, my kids are similar ages and my DH is I believe undiagnosed ASD (and in denial). I too have fantasised about life with just my NT child who is an absolute dream and so easygoing. I could never tell anyone in my life this.
My ND child was the sweetest, happiest, most chilled baby until he turned 2 and everything turned upside down. I often resent this changeling I've been left with and wonder what he did with my baby. I give absolutely everything to him, but then he punches me, or kicks me, or calls me horrible names (which to be fair aren't actually horrible but they're the worst insults he knows) and I feel so broken. It's like living with an abuser, constantly walking on eggshells not wanting to rock the boat, catering to their every whim and apologising for nothing, and having to put up with physical abuse while staying calm and ignoring every instinct to lash out in response to the violence. I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to be content in life, but he makes me so sad so often.

I have no solutions, and I think that's what makes everything so much harder. This is life and it's never going to stop. I worry about all of our safety - last week he threw something at me while I was driving, and I often brace myself walking away from him waiting for something to hit me. He targets my ND child too. If it was a partner we'd be told to leave.

The thing I find very unhelpful is the positive autism shite on social media, and the expectation that we must cater to the "autistic culture" of our children. I once asked a charity how to redirect my son's stims as they were dangerous and causing harm, and I was told that stimming is essential for him and I shouldn't interfere. The impression I got was that it is not considered neuroaffirmative to even question behaviours or impulses, no matter how negatively they impact anyone else in the family; the ND's person's needs trump everyone else's. There was absolutely no help offered so I just feel adrift.

I completely appreciate how difficult it is for those with ASD to ‘read the room’, however it becomes extremely mentally taxing having to explain everything to your partner, especially when you have ND children that need 10x extra care and attention as well. You end up feeling like you’re a carer for your partner as well, there is no help unless you’re explaining to the adult who is mean to be your equal partner and parent everything in minute detail.

The mental load on women in a relationship is already completely unbalanced. In situations like this it can become unbearable. As another poster said just above, the needs of the ND person can become absolute priority even at a detriment to everyone around them. When you comes to your partner, you need them to be on board with what needs doing without having to constantly tell them. You cannot be the only one in the family who holds it all together, that knows what needs doing at all times. It can completely break you mentally and physically.

Just wanted to say that you sound absolutely incredible OP, and I take my hat off to you. Don't ever think badly of yourself because you are facing challenges day after day and that's so hard.

I'm sorry I can't give better advice aside from saying please don't beat yourself up, ever. It's fine to wish none of this was happening and it's fine to wish you had more help or a break or that things were different. That's human and healthy.

Just seen this, OP, I would leave him personally - this isn't just ND this is abusive and cold. I honestly think you'd be better apart and you'd also get a parenting break with shared custody. You're going through so much you need a supportive partner. No partner is 100% better than one who belittles you when you're doing such an incredibly hard job day in, day out. Could also be that your child is in some ways copying your DH (obviously the reasons are way more complex than that, but just saying, it can't be a positive thing for your DS to see and normalise how your DH treats you).

How are things today, @Orange0 ? I agree with PP that your husband’s behaviour was not ok. ND is not a free pass to be abusive, which is what laughing and throwing water was.

Sorry just seen this post @Orange0 .

The truth is, no I’m not lonely. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve been in years. Yes, having the children by myself 90% of the time is bloody hard work. But I’ve also found we’re all a lot less stressed. Ex couldn’t deal with meltdowns or things being thrown out of routine. He wasn’t involved in many practicalities (bed time and making a few lunches is bare minimum) and the relief of knowing I don’t have to direct another adult whilst rushing around myself… honestly I could cry writing this at the peace it brings. When I eventually get the children to sleep, I get a couple of hours to myself instead of being talked at about everything, being interrupted when I’m trying to talk about my own things, not risking an argument when needing to discuss anything that he could perceive as personal criticism. I’d happily live like this forever. It’s hard, but it’s so much easier if that makes sense.

Wow. This morning was extreme even for us

DS2 happy as Larry. DS1 wakes up, says he doesn't want to go to school, DH leaves without him (he was due to do school drop)...DS1 loses his mind, throws everything, gets a wine bottle out the bin and throws it at me. I calm him down and end up taking him to school myself.

Upsetting thing is me and DS2 were having lovely morning of doing stickers over breakfast and then....DH says to me "DS is upstairs losing his mind again you need to deal with it" so I have to leave my breakfast with my 3 year old to go calm older one.

I feel like DS2 knows he gets my attention until his older brother needs me and then I just leave him. It happens multiple times a day.

I spoke to DH on the phone just now to say he needs to step up with older son and I need to be able to have time with DS2 and it can't always be down to me but DH says "you always criticise my approach so easier if you just deal with it. I cam try to step in but you don't like how I deal with him" then as a parting gift "though he only ever goes that beserk when you're in the house anyway"

Right got to go to work. Haven't managed a shower yet myself. It all feels unsustainable

@Gerrataere makes so much sense. Thank you. It does sound pretty appealing right now!

Those things you list as the end - being talked at, being interrupted, and him being v sensitive to what he perceives as criticism- all v true.

He often says something totally random while I'm saying something . This morning I said about having a bottle thrown at my head by DS and he said "I don't think the AC in my car works anymore you know". It's maddening. It's like conversations aren't two way. His dad is the same.

Do you manage to co parent without too much difficulty? I worry our problems would just stay the same but just in a new set up if that makes sense?