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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want stay married for sake of DS with SEND even though no sex

92 replies

sexhaslonggone · 10/06/2023 12:53

DH and i haven't had sex for almost 5 years, we don't share a bed anymore. I like sleeping alone and have no interest in sex, i'm menopausal.
DH feels rejected and keeps bringing up divorce

I don't really feel attracted to him sexually but I don't reel attracted to anyone sexually, so I find it hard when he takes it as a personal insult. It is true however that there is not much left in our relationship other than DS

AIBU to think we should find ways of staying in same household so DS has two carers on hand?

OP posts:
MyTruthIsOut · 10/06/2023 12:55

How old is your son and how severe are his needs?

PaigeMatthews · 10/06/2023 12:57

This is so selfish im assuming it is a reverse.

you dont a relationship anymore. Of course if he wants to divorce it should be an option. It has been 6 years of this.

Freeballing · 10/06/2023 12:57

A sexless life wouldn't be for me, whether I had a child with SEND or not. You both deserve happy lives and fulfilling relationships outside of your child. It's good for children to have happy parents too.

TaggySitz · 10/06/2023 12:57

Divorce is the only option here. Of course he is going to feel rejected.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 10/06/2023 12:58

Your DH is massively unhappy with the status quo. He’s telling you he’s massively unhappy. If you want to stay married you need to try and fix your marriage.

Have you been to the GP about the sex drive / menopause symptoms? Do you want to fix it or do you think it’s game over?

SaveMeFromForearms · 10/06/2023 12:59

I get what you're saying, sort of. I don't think either me or DH is particularly happy but have a child with SEN and MH issues, and I don't know what it would do to them if there was such a major change in their life.

EsmeeMerlin · 10/06/2023 13:02

Well obviously no you can't stay married if there is no relationship and your husband is right to mention divorce and separation. There are other separated parents who coparent successfully for disabled children.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 10/06/2023 13:02

You are expecting your husband to commit to a life of celibacy because of your menopause? Have you tried to address this?

I know you love your son but you are being very cruel to your husband.

Original poster
sexhaslonggone · 10/06/2023 13:03

@MyTruthIsOut He's 13, he has asd and also has really bad mental health atm.

@SaveMeFromForearms thanks for the empathy

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 10/06/2023 13:06

YANBU to want that, but clearly your husband isn't unreasonable to not want that.

Assuming that you haven't locked him up, he's free to leave/seek a divorce if he wants one so it's not really your choice/problem to worry about. He can do what he feels is best and you can deal with it from there. YANBU to state that your preference is that you stay together for the sake of your DS.

Would you support you DH pursuing another relationship while continuing to live together?

Original poster
sexhaslonggone · 10/06/2023 13:07

@HelpMeUnpickThis i'm not asking him to be celibate particularly. Perhaps he should get a girlfriend. Divorce and disrupting the household is not the only option

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 10/06/2023 13:07

yABVU
It is your right not to have sex if you don't want to. However, it is your husband's right to decide he is unhappy with this and want a divorce. You absolutely are being unreasonable to expect him to stay in a relationship he's unhappy in.

MaudGonneOutForChips · 10/06/2023 13:07

NuffSaidSam · 10/06/2023 13:06

YANBU to want that, but clearly your husband isn't unreasonable to not want that.

Assuming that you haven't locked him up, he's free to leave/seek a divorce if he wants one so it's not really your choice/problem to worry about. He can do what he feels is best and you can deal with it from there. YANBU to state that your preference is that you stay together for the sake of your DS.

Would you support you DH pursuing another relationship while continuing to live together?

I think that’s fair. I’ve seen similar situations work, once both parties are on board.

TrashyPanda · 10/06/2023 13:09

Your husband sounds very depressed.

you can’t dictate his life to him - if he wants to end the marriage, then that is his decision.

potentialmediator · 10/06/2023 13:13

I understand why you want to keep the family unit together but I think you need to address your husband’s unhappiness together asap. However that can best be resolved. Otherwise more resentment will build and any fall out will be much worse for your DC

Snippit · 10/06/2023 13:20

3 years into my menopause I completely lost my sex drive. I was told to see if HRT revived it, after 6 months still nothing. My husband was very upset, I would look at him and think your lovely, but just no sex drive whatsoever, nothing!

In the end I approached my G.P about possible testosterone, he was unsure about prescribing it as it’s off license. So I paid to see a menopause specialist, she arranged some blood tests and the results showed I was 90% below where it should be, I also had low energy. After just 2 weeks of taking it I suddenly had a sex drive, it was like a switch had been turned on. To be honest he can’t keep up with me at times and I’m relegated to the spare bed to give him a rest 🤪

I’d highly recommend having your testosterone levels tested, it’s a game changer. I’m loving life and feel very content, I also feel empowered, I’m alive and have a sex drive again at 56, yay

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/06/2023 13:23

YABU

if you were both content with the arrangement fair enough but that’s clearly not the case.

Sirzy · 10/06/2023 13:25

You’re being very unfair on your husband. He deserves to be happy in life too.

Diablocircus · 10/06/2023 13:32

I wonder how many people commenting actually have a child with SEN?

I do, so I can understand.

Do you get along well? Is it just sex that’s the issue?

You could discuss an open relationship or a cohabiting but single set up, however it would be means to an end I expect.

Is your child ever expected to live outside of your home? I’m just curious to understand how far the can is being kicked down the road?

Sirzy · 10/06/2023 13:36

I have a child with special needs. I still think the OP is being unreasonable.

Followill · 10/06/2023 13:39

Diablocircus · 10/06/2023 13:32

I wonder how many people commenting actually have a child with SEN?

I do, so I can understand.

Do you get along well? Is it just sex that’s the issue?

You could discuss an open relationship or a cohabiting but single set up, however it would be means to an end I expect.

Is your child ever expected to live outside of your home? I’m just curious to understand how far the can is being kicked down the road?

I have a child with SEN.

I was also raised by parents who 'stayed together for the kids' and probably shouldn't have TBH.

OP is obviously considering alternatives. Open relationship etc. But what would happen if DH were to develop an emotional relationship with their sexual partner? How could that be explained to DC? How would the feelings of sexual partners fit into all of this? I think this kind of set up with an ASD child is worse and less preferable to divorce.

Oscarpapa · 10/06/2023 13:46

I have two kids with Sen. Both with complex needs and I’m absolutely broken. My DH has to a degree handled it better but that’s because I’m the one who takes on the mental load despite working and I do all the childcare as I work term time. I was a stay at home parent when they were little. A lot of marriages where there are children with Sen break down. Relationships require a lot of effort and nurture. Mine has all gone on my children because they need it. Have you been to see the GP? I suspect I’m utterly burnt out. Which you might be as well. How long have you felt the way you do?

Thebigblueballoon · 10/06/2023 13:50

You say that “perhaps he should get a girlfriend”. Have you communicated this to him? It would be a tricky dynamic to navigate if you went down that route, but if you’re willing to have an open marriage you should at least suggest this to him, see what he says.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/06/2023 13:57

Yabu to expect marriage to survive no sex, unless agreed by both people. Yanbu to expect you both sort a solution that prioritises your son.

Maybe nesting might work. Not many people would agree to being in a relationship with him living with his wife. He probably wants a full-time partner, we get one life I believe we are all entitled to be happy.

whumpthereitis · 10/06/2023 14:42

If he gets a girlfriend I imagine he’ll be more inclined to push for divorce in order to move on property.

It’s fine for you to be comfortable with the status quo, but it’s a problem if it doesn’t work for both parties. He doesn’t need you to agree in order to pursue separation and divorce, and based on what you’ve said I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes action sooner rather than later.