to want stay married for sake of DS with SEND even though no sex

[sexhaslonggone]

DH and i haven't had sex for almost 5 years, we don't share a bed anymore. I like sleeping alone and have no interest in sex, i'm menopausal.
DH feels rejected and keeps bringing up divorce

I don't really feel attracted to him sexually but I don't reel attracted to anyone sexually, so I find it hard when he takes it as a personal insult. It is true however that there is not much left in our relationship other than DS

AIBU to think we should find ways of staying in same household so DS has two carers on hand?

This is how I feel. We just don't have anything left for each other really, and we can't get any time alone even just to talk. I have probably shut down my emotions a bit, and I know I am a bit of a brick wall in order to be able to function and protect myself.

Not great for a marriage.

Putting sex aside, how do you feel about your dh?

A girlfriend is not a sex toy, or an unpaid prostitute.

Right.. how is it fair to drag another person into your mess of a marriage. Just let him have the divorce and a chance of happiness. Consider doing that nesting thing. Or 50/50 so all the care isn't on you.

Sorry… what? Where did I suggest he should be going out and finding a casual squeeze to bang as he pleases?
Can a woman not partake in a non-conventional relationship without being a sex toy/unpaid prostitute?

If he wants a divorce I don't think saying sure get a girlfriend if you want is going to help. He doesn't want to be tied to you financially or emotionally anymore.

Sorry to derail but @Snippit the menopause specialist I assume this was a medical Dr? How does one go about finding one. Sorry to be a bit think - but I just google menopause doctor?

OP I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation, feeling like this. Im sure if you could wave a magic wand you’d want things to feel differently.
if your husband is starting to mention divorce, unhappy - I would advise you address it in some way - because as much as I can understand you not wanting to upset the status quo, it may be that he will decide to unilaterally. By address, I don’t mean force yourself to have sex, but talk about it and look at all options.

He should just get a girlfriend... and where are all these women who are happy to be a girlfriend to a man who is married and will stay living with his wife... and even if he did find this 'lucky' lady. Who says they won't get on so well he still want sto divorce or just seperate and be with her full time. That's very messy and worse for your child in my opinion

@Farmhouse1234 try Googling Dr Louise Newson. Big menopause clinic with online consultations available.

Having said that I did manage to get testosterone on the nhs though I had to be referred to a menopause clinic first which was a phone consultation. I was lucky, about 5 weeks from first enquiry to getting the testosterone. It took about 3 months to have any effect though.

@sexhaslonggone you sound completely disengaged from your marriage- far more than just loss of libido. Be fair to your DH and either try to improve your relationship or let him go.

Would you be open to your husband opening up the marriage so he's fulfilled elsewhere? Seems your only option.

Your DH is entitled to a happy and fulfilled home life, just as we all are.

If you don't want him any more, it is not unreasonable that you split and he starts again with someone else.

As long as you continue to share care of your ds, I don't see why it must be in the same house. Your dh's (and your) mental health is as important as that of your son.

You can live under the same roof but what are the boundaries? Would you expect him to go without sex forever?

I think that it’s unfair to expect your DH to stay in a sexless relationship if he wants sex, as he brings it up I am assuming that he does.

It’s not unreasonable that you don’t want to have sex with him, you shouldn’t force yourself to if you don’t want but why should he go without?

Well he could well realise soon that he does not actually need your permission to divorce you.

What you want is an appropriate co-parenting relationship. That is possible without being married and subjecting your husband to the misery you are currently doing, even with your son's needs.

And then what if he realises he's happier with the girlfriend and wants to leave you? Why would he stay?

Your poor husband. I hope you start divorce proceedings and allow him to be happy. Please don't dress this up as being about your son, it's very selfish of you.

If your DH wants to separate, then I think he should be given that opportunity. You can't effectively imprison someone just because it suits your own purposes. He can still be an effective co-parent living elsewhere.

DH and I haven't had sex for many years now due to medical reasons, although we do sleep in the same bed and we definitely still love each other. I don't miss sex at all as I found it messy and uncomfortable, but I suspect my DH does, although he's never mentioned it.

I certainly wouldn't pressure him into staying with me if he said he wanted to leave.

Your child is autistic, YANBU.

You should give your husband that divorce he wants. He deserves to be in a fulfilling loving relationship. A girlfriend on the side won’t necessarily fulfil what he wants.
at least you would both get respite from caring for your son and you’ll both be happier too which is better for him also.

Women who are prepared to have relationships with married men who still live with their wives and kids and have no intention of leaving are fairly thin of the ground, and also, I can’t imagine that’s what your husband wants. I expect he wants a full relationship with someone who cares about him and finds him attractive, and he’s not going to get that at home.

AIBU to think we should find ways of staying in same household so DS has two carers on hand?
YABU. He clearly wants a divorce. A marriage where there's nothing but the DC wouldn't be for me either. Obviously you don't have to have sex with him, or share a bed... But I don't think I could state if things were otherwise okay. They're not otherwise okay.

You'll have to manage with just 1 of you at a time, see if you can get any extra support etc. But you surely can't expect him to stay with you until the day he dies(so he can help with DC. DC won't always have both of you on hand to take care of him. You'll get older, taking care of yourself will get harder, not alone him. Best to get support in place. Probably best to start another post or ask at school to see options. Discuss options, I assume he'll have 50/50 custody? Discuss possibility of DC will stay in same house and you can both switch round to a flat for a transitional period. If not, making sure he has his own room at dads etc. Time to plan practically.

It's highly controversial, but I get staying for the kids. But then the end would be in sight. The teen years would be that for me. Sounds like DC will always need care, and if there's no end of the marriage in sight down that route, how long do you expect him to stay in an unhappy marriage? It sounds like he has been trying for the last 5 years, but not mentioned it. Time to start putting plan together

Honestly, who is OPs husband to reckon women will just throw themselves at him?! 🤣 Or are women just a shell?! Completely agree, it's pretty unlikely to find someone who would be happy with that.

Perhaps he should get a girlfriend. Divorce and disrupting the household is not the only option

He gets a girlfriend and sure as eggs is eggs, your marriage will end.

I’m not the OP…

@SaveMeFromForearms, I’m sorry. It’s so very hard isn’t it.

OP, is your DH pitching in enough? I’ve personally found that I’m taking on a lot. Stuff my DH isn’t even considering. It’s wearing. And I wonder if we’ll make it. I think realistically you need to sit down with your husband and talk. If he’s that unhappy, at some point he’ll meet someone and leave.