to want stay married for sake of DS with SEND even though no sex

[sexhaslonggone]

DH and i haven't had sex for almost 5 years, we don't share a bed anymore. I like sleeping alone and have no interest in sex, i'm menopausal.
DH feels rejected and keeps bringing up divorce

I don't really feel attracted to him sexually but I don't reel attracted to anyone sexually, so I find it hard when he takes it as a personal insult. It is true however that there is not much left in our relationship other than DS

AIBU to think we should find ways of staying in same household so DS has two carers on hand?

@Freeballing

Well said! Parents of children with sen do not need to be martyrs.

And yes sex is important, as is overall happiness. I tried to kid myself it wasn't for 8 years!

Absolutely there is! Who knows maybe separating will be the best thing for the child, a happy dad, no tension in the home, both great things. If it turned out to be awful I would get my kid help to deal with their feelings but would I stay in a sham marriage that makes me feel like shit just in case my kid reacts badly to me leaving? Nope and I wouldn't feel guilty for it either.

If you don't agree good for you, I hope you are never in the OPs husbands shoes and have to follow through with staying in a shit marriage for the rest of your life.

YANBU

And I’m sorry op, it’s heartbreaking and comment you see here are so painful.
It’s awful how love/relationships/marriage/you as a person, are reduced nothing more than genitalia.
Honestly I don’t understand why people bother to call it live/get in relationships if they don’t mean anything to them.
They should just fuck around radoms all their lives, since that would do it for them.

Oh an, it horrible to have to have (or have the pressure) sex you don’t want.
It’s inhumane.

It’s not one or the other. There is no reason why you can’t have a fulfilling sex life and be a good parent to a child with SEN. If the OP and her DH split there is no reason why they wouldn’t continue to aren’t effectively. Indeed, it might actually be better as the parents may be happier and the household will be less tense/sad if they aren’t both living there all the time.

This is weird to me, that you just see intimacy in your relationship as 'fucking'. I think you would probably be in the minority in that regard. For most people in runs deeper than that.

How much does your DS ASD impact your life? There is such a huge spectrum that it is hard to say how unreasonable you are being. YABU to some extent although I understand it must be difficult for you but on the other hand you sound very emotionless when it comes to your DH. You clearly aren't in love with him anymore. I think you need to figure out the best scenario where he doesn't move away (why would he do that anyway?) and the caring responsibilites are equally shared. You should not have to live in misery stuck in a loveless relationship because of your circumstances. Your child will adapt as long as you can work out a decent solution. You can't control your DH, if he wants a divorce that is fair and he can get one. You don't seem to care about the divorce just how it will affect your child so sit down and work that out. Your DH divorcing you doesn't mean he is walking away from his child. You are being stubborn and unfair. Saying why is sex so important is stupid - clearly there is no affection left and for most people that is important!

For a disabled child there is no limit. No one is guaranteed a healthy child that will grow up to be completely independent.

You have no idea if the DH would agree to 50:50 so the OP could end up doing all the care herself, at least now presumably she has some support. Also for a child with autism jumping between 2 households every few days would be incredibly stressful and disruptive.

To say the DH has already “fulfilled his moral duty” by going without sex for a few years so can now just walk away from his responsibilities is absolutely ridiculous.

While I sympathise with your situation (I am a single parent with a DC with severe additional needs), this would be a mad idea if you want to preserve the legal side of your marriage.

Your DH might find someone he has a wholly fulfilling life with, sex included, and want to leave your relationship to create a new life with this person. In addition, it's unlikely that many women would put up with a partner who is indefinitely married to someone else.

If you feel your marriage is not sustainable in the long-term, you should plan to take steps to separate over time.

What a bizarre way of looking at it.

I wonder if we'll make it is very accurate. Also though...I don't know how much capacity I have to care.

Oh come on, it isn't about not having sex for a few years. It's about having no connection, intimacy etc. Most people don't agree with staying for the kids, and it's better to part. Staying until teens is in my opinion the moral thing to do, depending on circumstances obviously. You can't expect a couple to stay together forever, even miserable and nothing but the DC forever. Have we gone back a century? Divorce is perfectly okay, EVEN if you have a disabled DC.
OP hasn't even hinted the husband is asking about leaving the child, just the marriage. So there's no reason to go oh well she could be doing it all herself.
Having a disabled DC doesn't mean you have to stay married forever, yes you might need to care for them as long as you can, bit tnatdoesnt extend to being unable to leave a marriage. It isn't walking away from his responsibilities.

I’m pretty sure OP said that if her DH left he planned on moving far away….so yes, I kind of take that to be him walking away from his responsibilities. I’m not sure how much of a support he can be regarding looking after his SEN child when he’s not actually around.

As a parent of a young person with SN I have found the reactions to the OP interesting. Firstly that parents should be martyrs and not think of their own needs. You hear this time and time again mainly from people who do not have children with SN and councils who simply don't want to provide. It seems that all forms of intimacy are missing from the marriage so a way forward needs to be found. Caring for a child with SN is exhausting but you still need to find a way of making things better for all of you. If that is spliiting up then make that work. To be honest the OP gave so little information it's impossible to really advise.

DH would want to take DS somewhere else, meaning either i follow my newly divorced ex-dh to somewhere where i know no-one, or we shuttle disabled teenager back and forth.

It is really exhausting managing meltdowns, being advocate, and working and everything else. I often barely have the will to live myself. Having an ally and a tag team really helps and usually dh is that, even if often like a second child, but he is engaged and a great friend to DS. He brings up divorce every 6 months mostly to get attention (so far!) and I'd rather he found another way.

I don't want to give a lot more info, but its been interesting to see most people agreeing that i'm being mean to dh. I hear I should put more effort into our relationship.

@sexhaslonggone

Why do you think DH would be allowed to just pack up DS and move him? This is negotiated in the child access portion of a divorce and can frequently include 'no moves' clauses. I'd think this doubly important in a case where a move could be detrimental to the child's emotional well-being and 'set routine'.

I don't say you're being 'mean' to DH. You've made a decision for yourself and you've every right to do that. But what you don't have a right to do is expect your DH to just live with that decision. If he walked out tomorrow, I'd say he has every right to do that, too.

Is there ANYONE that can help with your teen? Perhaps you and your DH need a weekend away just you, away from teen to see if there is anything still there for you both?

Have you considered a disability social care assessment? When mine was younger we were offered respite, I self referred and pestered. There were no concerns and I was surprised because earnings weren’t a factor. It may be worth a try if you have no other options for a break.

If money is an issue, there’s also a charity called carefree who offer greatly subsidised hotel breaks to carers, I think it’s around £25 for a 1 or 2 night break for a carer and a companion and this often includes breakfast too in a range of locations.