to want stay married for sake of DS with SEND even though no sex

[sexhaslonggone]

DH and i haven't had sex for almost 5 years, we don't share a bed anymore. I like sleeping alone and have no interest in sex, i'm menopausal.
DH feels rejected and keeps bringing up divorce

I don't really feel attracted to him sexually but I don't reel attracted to anyone sexually, so I find it hard when he takes it as a personal insult. It is true however that there is not much left in our relationship other than DS

AIBU to think we should find ways of staying in same household so DS has two carers on hand?

I genuinely find it staggering, and quite disturbing, how many people believe that need for sex takes precedence over the needs of a child with ASD.
having children means putting them first. Yes that may involve sacrifice, even hardship. But it is a moral duty.

You'd be happy to carry on as you are for the sake of your DC but your DH has the right to leave if that's what he wants. You need to talk honestly Op but don't be surprized if he's not happy to stay

No way would me or my husband stay in a sexless marriage!

I think it's important. It's a biological urge to have sex and it's not just about pleasure, it's about intimacy and connection. If a marriage isn't all there and there's no intimacy, things may fall apart which could result in 2 unhappy people. In that case, living separately may be better in the long run. I think where you've got one partner withholding sex, there's likely to be a deeper issue. It's never just about sex.

What about your own needs as an adult?

@AgathaSpencerGregson

Agreed. The entire concept of parenthood is putting the needs of a child behind the desires of the parent.

They are less important than those of your child (pretty obvious from what I posted, I would have thought). If you struggle with this, parenthood isn’t for you.

Its not just about sex, its about intamacy, holding hands, cuddles, those looks that mean you know and understand, its flirting, its a healthy relationship, its the anticipation, you might as well be flat mates without the sex!

I have that the wrong way round! 😂

Blame the PIMMS!

Is it possible that the state of your relationship is affecting your son's mental health? I think it's misguided to think a child won't pick up on relationship issues.

But I get how you feel and divorce can be very hard on kids (and the adults).

Does your husband want to work on the relationship, do you? Would you rather improve it than have the relationship end?

Yeah, i'm kind of surprised at how sex is seen as so important, like breathing or food. I don't get it.

Yes, likely we should divorce but it is going to be hell. DH would want to move a long way away. DS will have to travel between towns. So much disruption.

I have a child with ASD and I still matter. Having a child with ASD doesn't mean that you have to put yourself last in the pecking order all of the time and stay tied in shell of a marriage. You say 'sex' but it isn't just sex is it? It's the intimacy and closeness that sex brings. It would destroy me to live in a marriage where there is no intimacy, where my husband couldn't even bear to share a bed with me, I didn't get married to have a housemate. I want a fulfilling, happy, close relationship and I deserve that, even though my child has ASD.
I can't imagine how ds would feel to know that I thought it was my moral duty to be unhappy for him, that he is the reason I spent decades(?) unhappy and unfulfilled. That's a hell of a burden for anyone and the truth will out eventually, just because someone has asd it doesn't mean they are stupid, they will find out the truth.

I think we knew what you meant!

For how long? When DC is 16? 18? Or is death his only way out if DC requires care into adulthood? As someone who speaking generally agrees with staying for DC, (obviously there are times this cannot work), there has to be a time limit. For me this would be teenage years, 13+, SEN or not. He already has for 5+ years. He has fulfilled his moral duty, and assuming he'll have DC 50/50 will continue to do so post divorce.

@SchoolShenanigans no i'm fairly sure our relationship must be having an impact on ds

So what you are saying is you believe there are circumstances where you are morally justified in placing your own needs above your child’s. I’m afraid I cannot agree. I totally see there are times when we are not able to do what is right; I’m no different. But the way some people need to pretend that weakness is somehow justifiable I find quite alienating.

I was going to post the complete opposite.
You, as an individual as important too, you don’t give up that right when you have children.

If a child requires lifelong care then yes, death is the only end of that. Of course it is. I know I will have a caring burden for my DS until I die or am incapacitated. Fulfilling that is hard; but the thought of walking away makes me shudder.

I should say that I do not intend my remarks as an adverse judgement on parents who seek residential care for their children. That may well be the best way of ensuring their needs are met, and it is not an abdication of responsibility. Walking away to the detriment of a child because you are not having sex enough is.

So have you offered him an 'open marriage'? If you do, what happens if he meets someone and decides he wants to be with her 'full time'? You can't stop him from leaving, girlfriend or no.

And if he is unhappy it may be that he starts to see that life away from you and his DS offers more compensations than just sex, like freedom from carer responsibilities. The rate of men who leave because 'they can't handle' a disabled child or a seriously ill spouse are rather high.

Are you making any kind of preparations for either of those happening?

OP has not suggested husband is walking away from his child.
I'm sorry to hear you value yourself so little, and would stay in a miserable marriage forever. However it is unacceptable to judge others they value themselves more. They're not selfish, or abnormal, just a healthy level of self esteem. That healthy amount of self respect does not mean they are walking away from their child,
I would suggest therapy or a non DC related hobby.

This attempt to pathologise what I think most people would recognise as a perfectly coherent moral principle - that the needs of a child take precedence over those of the parent - says a great deal more about you than it does about me.
my self esteem is derived from the fact that I attempt to do what is right, and hold myself to account when I fall short. I’ll stick with my approach, thanks.

The thing is Op that generally speaking a lot of women will put up with a rubbish relationship until they find out their OH has another woman, but finding out he's had an affair is the last straw. You're saying you don't care if he sleeps with someone else as long as he stays home and parents. If I was your DH that would be a double whammy_ you don't want sex with him and care so little another woman isn't a problem. He can still be a good Dad living somewhere else and honesty you have no options here. It's not the sex that's important, it's having a loving partnership

Do you love your husband?
Did you ever find him attractive?
Did you ever enjoy sex?
Would you like your relationship to continue?
Are you happy yourself or do you think that the stresses of being a mother & your menopause are wearing you down?
Are you prepared to change & seek help with your libido to save your marraige?

Don't answer publically but your answers will tell you whether divorce is the way to go?

Yes I understand your point but you both deserve to be happy too. I stayed in a failing marriage for similar reasons, dd has similar issues to your ds. We've since divorced, I met someone else and she lives with us, she's happy