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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel DH anger is unacceptable?

86 replies

Yolo89 · 09/06/2023 23:59

DH has mental health problems and in turn an issue with alcohol, though can go for periods of abstinence. We live apart as his behaviour had been shocking at times.

My DC do not want to stay at his place. It's far from school, and it's not their home. DH will come to pick them up and they refuse to go so then DH gets very very angry and starts blaming me as I have told them in the past they don'ts have to go.

He just gets angrier and angrier at them, at me and as they don't go, then has to stay in the house and help as otherwise I get no help. But he does it with anger..I was ill last night and when I said for him to stop yelling, he told me how nothing happens with my way of dealing with them is through humour rather than yelling, that you don't need to tell to discipline or get through to them. He thinks I'm being soft.

When I tell him he is too angry , he just can't see it. He just tells me how nothing about me has changed since he moved out ( even though he is still drinking so nothing there had changed) , apparently bin.a narcisst, and when I said I'm happy inside , he didn't seem happy. And just mocked me. DH is not happy inside and needs to sort himself out. He said I'm never nicevyo him even though I try so hard even after his awful behaviour due to alcohol. Tonight the sand - anger as they wouldn't go to his. All the anger in my house. What do I do? Is this far from an acceptable relationship?

OP posts:
wildfirewonder · 10/06/2023 00:02

You need to separate properly and protect your children from this awful situation.

He os out of order and you need to stop asking him for help.

GrazingSheep · 10/06/2023 00:04

You have been posting about him for years. Why are you still subjecting your children and yourself to this awful relationship??

Lacucuracha · 10/06/2023 00:04

He is out of the house, which is a blessing. It sounds like an angry, shouty house when he’s there. Do you feel the peace when he’s not there?

How old are the dc?

Anaemiafog · 10/06/2023 00:04

You don't need that kind of help. Of course it's unacceptable but won't change so you need to protect your children.

LeavesOnTrees · 10/06/2023 00:05

You need to stop letting him into your house. His 'help' doesn't sound that helpful anyway.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/06/2023 00:12

Your children come first, end of. Get him out your life.

blacksax · 10/06/2023 00:35

He is abusing your children and you are letting him do it.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2023 00:58

@Yolo89

then has to stay in the house and help as otherwise I get no help

Exactly what 'help' is it you need from him? Even if I were ill with D &V, I'd rather clean up my own 'mess' from the floor than get 'help' from a man like him.

How are the children when he isn't there? Do they mind you if he isn't around?

Ontheperiphery79 · 10/06/2023 01:20

He doesn't have to stay in the house: you let him. Plenty of people make the choice to not let an abusive partner stay in their home and accept the (bloody difficult and lonely) path of doing everything/getting no help.

I chose the latter as there was no way I was raising my daughters in a home where there was an angry/shouty (aka abusive) man in what ahould be their safe space.

Agapornis · 10/06/2023 01:27

In your previous post lots of people explained the effect alcoholism had on them as children. Did you not take that, and the advice to divorce him, on board?

Gowlett · 10/06/2023 01:28

I know it will be hard if I get my DH out of the house (similar problems here). But I dint want him in me or my son’s life if he continues on the same. The anger is the worst bit.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/06/2023 08:38

Why are you asking if you won't listen to advice?

You're subjecting your children to this, and they deserve better.

Sort it out ffs

GabriellaMontez · 10/06/2023 08:43

I wouldn't have him in my house.

How is he a help? He sounds like a nightmare.

Wicksytricksy · 10/06/2023 08:51

You've been posting about him for years - he's an abusive alcoholic who can't keep a job and wracks up debt. The advice is always the same, to leave him. Why are you asking for advice when you never listen?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 08:51

Thanks for your replies. Yes I have listened and he's not living here as that would be intolerable. He has times when he's back to his usual gentle nice self and I get lulled back into it.

It's difficult. I've also just started a new job and I need him to do pick ups etc and my house is near the school. Do I let them come home with him or do they have to stay out until 6.30pm? Until I get home. They won't go to his. It's a mess.

Over bank holiday he came away with us. It was nice until he said he wanted to go home to work after we'd been out and I'd done a lot of driving already. ( He isnt able to drive due to a genetic condition) .At 5.30pm after I was tired from driving he says he needs to work tomorrow and can't do it here. Where we are staying. It's another 40 minutes to the station. Round trip. I got upset as it was sudden, it meant more driving and that is be alone with the children for the rest of the time. I got upset and said no I would drive. He told me that I don't care about his work ( he could work where we are staying) , I'm.keeping him hostage, no wife would do this, I only care about myself , he,'ll never gone back to this. He wouldn't talk to me. It was all suddenly my problem . I drive him in the end to get rid of the anger. Appalling.

He is constantly criticising the state of my house yet barely helps ( it's kids mess) and says I never say a nice word to me.

He runs out of money 1-2 weeks before he gets paid yup. Then blames me as he gives me money for child maintenance etc. He blames me for having to pay for the house here , the children. It's just ridiculous.

It's all bonkers.
I'm.alreadu going through mediation and gave another session coming up . I do t know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 08:52

Ps he does have a full time job . And he is a gentle soul under it but sadly he needs a lot of work through therapy and to become sober.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 10/06/2023 09:13

How old are the children ?

monsteramunch · 10/06/2023 09:16

Why are you still in a relationship with him when he behaves this way and has moved out?

Is it because you think that if you split up with him he will no longer do any of the coparenting?

Because his coparenting at the moment is damaging the children and by staying in a relationship with him, you're telling them that on some level his behaviour is normal and acceptable.

That could have huge consequences for them as adults in their own relationships as they are more likely to replicate what they see (you staying together) than what they hear (you saying his behaviour isn't ok) because remaining in a relationship undermines any criticism of his behaviour you mays share with them.

I'm trying to get a handle on the status of the relationship because you quite clearly, understandably, don't actually want to be with him (I don't blame you at all) so is it a convenience thing re childcare?

I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

monsteramunch · 10/06/2023 09:16

And how old are the kids?

jeaux90 · 10/06/2023 09:20

Just get a divorce. Pull the trigger OP.

The shit person you see is him, the gentle side is what he uses to pull you back in. You are seeing it the wrong way round.

You need to get back in full control of your life. I am a lone parent, have been for 14 years, it's hard but you work it out. And I can tell you my life is way more peaceful without having to rely on my abusive ex.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 09:20

9 and 13

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 09:25

I'm in turmoil obviously.

It's hard as I can't make it financialy or with child care without him. Or it will be so hard. But I need to do something.

I want the man he really is.

He has a disability which is why he has mental health problems

He has no money pretty much until the 15th. It's pathetic.

I am supposed to be sick, look after children , cook clean etc this weekend. He can't do anything with them that costs anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 09:25

I am currently in mediation

OP posts:
SBHon · 10/06/2023 09:53

then has to stay in the house and help as otherwise I get no help
I would honestly choose no help over him. He’s not going to change.

If he wasn’t involved at all you’d find alternatives to the help he gives. What help is it specifically you need to get in place to stop him coming into your home; wrap around care?

EVHead · 10/06/2023 10:00

At those ages the kids can be home alone surely?

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