To feel DH anger is unacceptable?

[Yolo89]

DH has mental health problems and in turn an issue with alcohol, though can go for periods of abstinence. We live apart as his behaviour had been shocking at times.

My DC do not want to stay at his place. It's far from school, and it's not their home. DH will come to pick them up and they refuse to go so then DH gets very very angry and starts blaming me as I have told them in the past they don'ts have to go.

He just gets angrier and angrier at them, at me and as they don't go, then has to stay in the house and help as otherwise I get no help. But he does it with anger..I was ill last night and when I said for him to stop yelling, he told me how nothing happens with my way of dealing with them is through humour rather than yelling, that you don't need to tell to discipline or get through to them. He thinks I'm being soft.

When I tell him he is too angry , he just can't see it. He just tells me how nothing about me has changed since he moved out ( even though he is still drinking so nothing there had changed) , apparently bin.a narcisst, and when I said I'm happy inside , he didn't seem happy. And just mocked me. DH is not happy inside and needs to sort himself out. He said I'm never nicevyo him even though I try so hard even after his awful behaviour due to alcohol. Tonight the sand - anger as they wouldn't go to his. All the anger in my house. What do I do? Is this far from an acceptable relationship?

People HAVE been giving you practical tips, the most practical one being to keep him out of your life. Not your children's, yours. Do not allow him into your house and do not depend on him for anything.

To put it bluntly, act like he has dropped off the face of the Earth and figure it out from there. There are many women (and I suppose men) who have lost spouses or been 100% deserted by them and they manage to figure things out, even if the solutions weren't always to their taste.

No, it's not easy, it's fucking hard. But if you turn your energy and your strength towards what YOU can do instead of focusing on what he can't or won't do, I'm sure you'll find your solutions.

When you say you're 'trying to work out a plan' does that plan include him? Do you feel like telling us what that plan looks like, even if it's 'pie in the sky' right now to see if we can help you polish it up or offer suggestions or possible resources?

I know you've said you're in mediation. If you don't mind me asking, why? It seems to me that you will never get him to be what you want him to be, which is a responsible co-parent. Why spend the time or emotional energy trying to get blood from that particular stone?

I'm not being snarky. I'm asking in complete sincerity.

Ok so who out of you all had been in this situation with an alcoholic?

You are making me out to be something I'm not. I do look after them when I'm ill. I do flipping everything. I try to do my best. I thought it was the best. To have their dad in their life. He took them swimming today.

Aquamarine - yes it is complicated. Complex. Many emotions. I'm not been selfish. Anything but. You don't know me and what I do fory children . You don't know what it's like for me.

When you are in it it's so hard to see through the trees.

If you haven't been in this situation then sorry you just don't understand.

I'm trying my best to work it out so that there is space and he has to work it out himself - IE drinking.

I tried mediation as silly me I keep thinking I'm dealing with a rational person.
I realise after the first meeting it's futile as the problem is alcohol. I'm trying to do counselling eit him but he can't book it he keeps saying he will.

I don't need f antidepressants. I'm on meds for perimenopause.
I feel like no one gets this

You were a social worker
Imagine this situation was happening to one of your clients and these were the excuses they gave you. What would your response be.
Beggars belief really

And you don't need to give 2 shits about your alcoholic abusive husband when you have 2 kids to protect.
Let him sort his own access out when he is sober and on a treatment plan. Your kids don't want to go to his house!

Stop making excuses, it's as hard you want it to be. You don't have 2 toddlers so why do you need family support? Your kids are old enough to manage when you are sick.

Get rid and move on and stop looking back

Completely agree when you are in it it's hard to see what's actually happening.
So therefore it might be a good idea to dig deep and really think about the overriding opinion of people who are looking at the situation objectively.

I was only going by what you had specifically said about needing your ex to help when you are unwell and not wanting to stay with the dc on your own.

It's tough, I've been there. I really struggled with parenting alone and felt I couldn't do it but I could and I did. So can you.

Also just because you're on meds for menopause doesn't need you don't need anti depressants as well if your anxiety if affecting your ability to cope.

And you're right that the contact is very complex and I would suggest you need to seek professional advice on that. If your dc don't want to go to their dads they probably shouldn't as he is abusive. He also shouldn't be coming to yours while you are there as they are subject to further abuse. If they are comfortable to go out with him for activities and or be looked after by him in your home while you're not there and you don't think he is drinking/ verbally abusive in those situations I would suggest that as an interim solution.

@Yolo89

"I'm trying to do counselling eit him but he can't book it he keeps saying he will."

Again, why are you trying to do anything with him. He is not your responsibility any longer. I suggest you focus on yourself as far as counseling goes.

And yes, I have a good deal of experience with alcoholics. And I find that at some point you just have to let go of them and do what is right for you. They'll either 'get it' and do what's needed or they won't and it will lead to their downfall. Either way, it's not up to you.

I suggest you re-read @mrsplum2015 's excellent advice. Although I have doubts about allowing him in your home at all, the only proviso I'd add to her suggestion about him watching the DC in your home IF he is sober would be this: unless he will not leave quietly and immediately when you get home, he snoops in the house, and/or he uses your housekeeping or your 'household organization' to verbally/emotionally abuse you.

If he does any of that, allowing him in your home is a non-starter. The other thing is this, I had a friend who would not allow her exH in her new home after she left him. It was not only because he was an asshole, it was because she simply did not want any memories of him in her home, at all. You may want to think about that for yourself. I realize he's already been inside, obviously, but keeping him out now may be better for your MH.

Can I say - thanks for all the advice. I do get it. Of course I do. I don't like being told I'm weak cause I'm just not. I'm trying what I thought was the best of my family. It changes it's so up and down. So I get pulled into thinking it ll all be alright . Iits such a head f#£k. I spend my time thinking of how to solve it but I know I can't solve DH. I have to solve the family fior he children

I am just wondering what you are thinking about the drinking. He has had a few bad episodes but does not drink on front of the children.. The anger is usually when sober. Just FYI. I don't think he had had a drink for the past few weeksi have not seen him intoxicated either for months . This does not negate the damage one bit.

Yes I could wait all my life for him to organise counselling so best I continue on with the guy I'm seeing and not wait as he needs to realise what's he is doing himself.

He does take the children regularly to outings and can be good. He is not good with getting them to do stuff at home like get into pyjamas. He gets frustrated v easily. I find this hard as the whole family ends up screaming .

He does criticise my household organisation - it's one of his major things clutter. But if I had frigging time to do it iinstead of having to parent basically solo and deal with the emotional shit of another child - DH then of course things would be more in control.

I look after my MH seeking help when I need.

I don't know what else to say other than I'm.trying.

Trying to do what? He is an angry alcoholic who can't be trusted to look after the children properly and who yells at them and you. You are kidding yourself that he's 'someone else' deep down. This is who he is now. You need to end the relationship now.

@Yolo89

I spend my time thinking of how to solve it but I know I can't solve DH.

You've got it now, Sister! And this is what you need to focus on. I'd probably write it down on a card and carry it around and anytime I got pulled in 'magical thinking' about what he should be doing and what will 'fix' him I'd pull it out and read it!

I have to solve the family fior he children

As long as you aren't fitting him into 'the family' when you're looking for solutions.

I am just wondering what you are thinking about the drinking. He has had a few bad episodes but does not drink on front of the children.. The anger is usually when sober.

As far as the anger when sober, the thing is that an alcoholic is consumed with thoughts of alcohol. They're either drinking it now, thinking about their next drink and how long til they have it, or they're agitated/angry because they aren't drinking or can't drink due to circumstance. And then there are also the actual symptoms of alcohol withdrawal when they go too long between drinks.

So your H's anger when sober is likely either due to alcohol withdrawal or anger that he 'can't' drink around the children and/or he 'isn't' drinking because he doesn't want you to know he's been drinking. Withdrawal is actually physical, as I'm sure you know, and needs to be dealt with medically. The 'can't' and 'isn't' is him taking out his anger on innocent parties (you & kids) and is inexcusable.

Yes I could wait all my life for him to organise counselling so best I continue on with the guy I'm seeing and not wait as he needs to realise what's he is doing himself.

Bingo!!

He is not good with getting them to do stuff at home like get into pyjamas . He gets frustrated v easily. I find this hard as the whole family ends up screaming .

He does criticise my household organisation

Both of which are good reasons NOT to have him in your house nor depend on him for childcare. The first is damaging to the children, the second is damaging to you. The childcare issue is where you need to start thinking "If he fell off the face of the Earth, what would I do for childcare?" and explore every single option you can come up with, no matter how 'blue sky' an idea seems at first. The criticism issue is perhaps something you could work on with a counselor as far as finding tools for yourself so you don't rise to his 'bait' and you learn to let his shitty comments roll off your back. Remember, he enjoys seeing you upset and angry. It feeds something inside him, makes him feel superior. That's why he does it.

I think @AcrossthePond55 has said everything really clearly.

I agree it sounds like him looking after the dc in your home isn't working either so any contact will be outside the home only and certainly not with you present.

What you need to do is leave him to his own devices and think about what you're going to do as a single parent. Focus on getting routines in place and the house organised. If he takes the dc out somewhere you will need to spend a couple of hours tidying etc. Get the dc involved in daily chores and sorting out their bedrooms. Hire a skip and get rid of anything you don't need. You will feel much better and everything will run more smoothly!

In terms of childcare I assume the 13 yo is independent and gets self to and from school. Possibly can also manage activities ( my 14 year old cycles to things or gets the bus ). If you have no friends to help think about paying someone to pick the dc up from school and take them where they need to go. I used to pay a student to do this, quite cheap paying 20 cash for a couple of hours. Also see what your work will negotiate around flexi working and working from home. Is there work you could do at home in the evening if you take an hour or two to sort things with the kids during the day?

It gets easier day by day.

My 9 yo can now walk to and from school by herself which just gives me that bit of extra time, and if needed ocassionally she can be home alone for half an hour until her older brother/sister gets home.

I'm also just reading back your post.

I am wondering about your dc boundaries if simple things like getting into pjs is so difficult. Not excusing the ex shouting but it sounds like you are struggling with parenting alone even without the added stress of your ex being there and kicking off.

At 13 I wouldn't even have been engaging with my older dc about bedtime, it's simply a reminder then leave them to follow their own routine and go in to say goodnight/check in about switching phone off etc.

Obviously different at age 6 but is there a clear routine with timings and bath/ shower time? I would have expected my dc to play up sometimes at bedtime age 6 but not every night.

Perhaps I'm over thinking and they only play up when dad is around as the atmosphere is so tense and awful anyway, in which case there won't be an issue once he's properly banned from the house.