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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel DH anger is unacceptable?

86 replies

Yolo89 · 09/06/2023 23:59

DH has mental health problems and in turn an issue with alcohol, though can go for periods of abstinence. We live apart as his behaviour had been shocking at times.

My DC do not want to stay at his place. It's far from school, and it's not their home. DH will come to pick them up and they refuse to go so then DH gets very very angry and starts blaming me as I have told them in the past they don'ts have to go.

He just gets angrier and angrier at them, at me and as they don't go, then has to stay in the house and help as otherwise I get no help. But he does it with anger..I was ill last night and when I said for him to stop yelling, he told me how nothing happens with my way of dealing with them is through humour rather than yelling, that you don't need to tell to discipline or get through to them. He thinks I'm being soft.

When I tell him he is too angry , he just can't see it. He just tells me how nothing about me has changed since he moved out ( even though he is still drinking so nothing there had changed) , apparently bin.a narcisst, and when I said I'm happy inside , he didn't seem happy. And just mocked me. DH is not happy inside and needs to sort himself out. He said I'm never nicevyo him even though I try so hard even after his awful behaviour due to alcohol. Tonight the sand - anger as they wouldn't go to his. All the anger in my house. What do I do? Is this far from an acceptable relationship?

OP posts:

Quackinquavers · 10/06/2023 12:02

😕 can the children stay at home alone until you finish work? They are older?

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 12:33

They can stay at home until I get home. It's more the getting to activities / picked up

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2023 12:34

You worked as a Social Worker? Then you actually have the knowledge and experience to know that you are very much 'wrong thinking'. What would you have said to a parent to is allowing an abusive alcoholic to run their life? What would your report have said about the children in that situation? THINK!!

You need to cut this man out of your day to day life. No 'days out', no allowing him inside your house, ever. And no, you cannot ask him to 'help out' when you are ill as his help is actually worse than no help at all. It sucks, but that's just the way it is when the men we choose to have children with turn out to be real shits.

As far as the DC, at 13 I was babysitting. At 13 my son watched his brother, aged 8, for an hour or two from time to time. Is there a reason why the 2 of them can't get home and be on their own from end of school to when you get home?

You say he can be nice and 'gentle'. Well so can a vicious dog. But would you invite a vicious dog into your home on the off chance that they won't attack you 'this time'.

You're obviously not a stupid woman, you're just being willfully blind because it works in your favour to be so. But you are damaging your children by being so. Wake up!

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2023 12:36

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 12:33

They can stay at home until I get home. It's more the getting to activities / picked up

Then they'll just have to do without activities or activities will need to be arranged for when you are able to transport or there are others willing to do so for you (NOT him). Their safety and emotional well being is paramount. And the psychological damage being inflicted by their father is much worse than 'lack of activities'.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 12:37

They do want to spend time with him. A lot. They just don't want to go to his house.

I agree with you all. It's just so bloody hard.vnot impossible. But hard.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 12:40

I'm not being wilfully anything. It's bloody bloody complicated and complex and I try to do what I think is best then it goes pear shaped. I'm in mediation at the moment

Please be kind. I'm in a dark place

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2023 12:44

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 12:37

They do want to spend time with him. A lot. They just don't want to go to his house.

I agree with you all. It's just so bloody hard.vnot impossible. But hard.

I agree, it is hard. But as you just said, not impossible.

And they can spend time with him, just not in your home. If they don't want to go to his home and if he won't take them elsewhere (park, mall, relative's/friend's home) then the children will have to realize that their decision not to go to his home has consequences.

You say they don't want to go to his home because it's 'not near their school', so I assume they don't like a 'long commute' on school days. Can't access be arranged for non-school days at least during term time?

ChristmasFluff · 10/06/2023 12:46

"When you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them. "

How do you know the 'gentle soul' isn't the illusion and the 'monster' is the real him? Because that is far more likely to be the truth.

What would you do about all these things you need help with, if he didn't exist? Do that.

Or continue as you are - but then nothing will change, and you are being unreasonable to expect it to. His anger IS unacceptable, but if you keep on accepting it by keeping him in your life, then what's the point in knowing that?

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2023 12:47

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 12:40

I'm not being wilfully anything. It's bloody bloody complicated and complex and I try to do what I think is best then it goes pear shaped. I'm in mediation at the moment

Please be kind. I'm in a dark place

I don't mean to sound unkind, but pointing out that you aren't making the best choices is not, in and of itself, unkind.

And if you are in a dark place, are you seeking counseling? That can help you see that often things we think are 'complicated and complex' are really not as bad as we think they are. The solutions may not be simple or easy, but they are solutions just the same.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/06/2023 12:47

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 12:40

I'm not being wilfully anything. It's bloody bloody complicated and complex and I try to do what I think is best then it goes pear shaped. I'm in mediation at the moment

Please be kind. I'm in a dark place

I do understand, I have been in a similar situation. It is really hard and I really feel for you. It can be a very lonely place. don’t think people are trying to have a go.

We just want you to see the situation for what it is, not what you want it to be. You need to understand that your marriage is over before you can move forward. At the moment the impression you give is that you are still fighting to save a doomed relationship to a damaged and mentally ill alcoholic while also looking after the needs of your kids. You can’t do both and your kids need to come first.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2023 12:55

"What would you do about all these things you need help with, if he didn't exist? Do that."

What @ChristmasFluff said is along the lines of what I was trying to say to your 'complex and complicated' problem. And about the fact that you need to 'erase' him from your day to day life. Not the children's lives, YOUR life.

My BFF had a similarly useless ex, although his was drugs and just being and A-1 prick. She had to mentally take him out of the picture. She didn't allow him in her house, she didn't call him or rely on him for one single thing. She had no family in the area and our 'group' was all working mums with children of our own to deal with so we really weren't around for weekdays if she needed help. Did she have it easy? God no! But what she did have was peace and calm in her home and a settled and happy child.

Unicorn2022 · 10/06/2023 14:02

You do know that on your bank holiday trip he wanted you to take him home so he could drink? It was nothing to do with work as he could have worked from where you were. He is addicted to drink so ruined the weekend and forced you to drive him so he could get his alcohol fix. You need to realise that the person you believe him to be no longer exists, so you need to deal with what is in front of you now. Surely you don't really believe that the children are happy? I know you probably make a huge effort to make them happy in other ways but you can never make up for having an abusive man in their lives.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 19:55

What am I supposed up do from.a practical sense. Not let him see the children? So today for example, he looked after them as I had a friend from OS in town I haven't seen in 6 years. He did take them out for some of the day but it was too hot to be out all day and his flat even if they would go is a hot box.
How am I supposed to work this? No contact? Just plan holidays etc without him?
I'm in mediation at the moment however they won't go to his house so the plan doesn't work.
I asked him to organise certain days of half term but only took the days off at the last moment and then said he could get my youngest out of the house. So they stayed in.

I just am unsure how to work out all parentung, dull time work, cleaning, laundry etc without going insane myself I suffer from perimenopause extreme anxiety

Can I give an ultimatum? Sort your shit out in six months ?

I really spend most of my time working out what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 19:56

And at the moment he probably only had a few pounds to his name to save himself until the 15th. I don't give him money .

OP posts:

UpaladderwatchingTV · 10/06/2023 20:10

Sorry OP, but I'm afraid you're behaving like a child yourself, rather than a grown woman with two kids, who at 9 and 13, should not only be able to look after themselves to some degree, but help you with things you need doing around the house too.

Get rid of this useless alcoholic once and for all. Give yourself a kick in the pants, and look after your children properly. All these excuses are quite pathetic in a situation like this, particularly as you've asked for advice on here before, and totally ignored it all. As another poster said, it seems to be all about you, rather than your kids. Time to grow up!

Not everyone has family to lean on, and you're one of them, that shouldn't stop you acting like a grown up and looking out for yourself and your kids properly. What on earth makes you think you even need this man in your life, it's clear that he's nothing but a waste of space, even your children don't want him, so why are you clinging on so hard?

ReachForTheMars · 10/06/2023 20:43

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 19:55

I just am unsure how to work out all parentung, dull time work, cleaning, laundry etc without going insane myself I suffer from perimenopause extreme anxiety

Can I give an ultimatum? Sort your shit out in six months ?

I really spend most of my time working out what to do.

Go the other way. End it and see if you want him back in 6 months. You wont.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 21:24

Upaladder - sorry but NO ONE that knows me would call me a child. They actually say I'm so string dealing with all this whilst going through the hell of perimenopause and doing a degree.

I have been trying to do what's best for my children and the family. My husband can go weeks without drinking which is what most of you probably imagine. Its not the point I know it's the impact.
I've been trying to make it work but if you have not lived through this you cannot know what it's like. I'm trying to work out a plan

Got any practical tips rather than telling me I'm a child. FFS

OP posts:

lechatnoir · 10/06/2023 21:53

You plan your life without him - don't rely on him for childcare, agree set times he can take the children out but DO NOT let him in to your house. That needs to be your/children's safe space and if you're separated what the hell is he doing coming and going?! If he hasn't got a place of his own then contact with the children will need to be for shorter periods (time to go to the park or similar)- the fact he is an alcoholic and can't sort his shit out for his children and has no money is NOT your issue. Stop enabling him by giving him money and letting him use your house.

Please mop people are trying to help you but you need to set firm boundaries with your ex and make his your EX. If that means limited contact with the children then so be it this is on him not you.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 10/06/2023 22:27

I don't give him money just to be clear

OP posts:

TimeSlipMushroom · 10/06/2023 22:40

This is madness! Your poor children.

Stop thinking that you need his "help" and start planning a life as a single parent. Leave him to sort his own shit out. Get some support from the single parenting forums. In the nicest way possible: grow some balls!

Anaemiafog · 10/06/2023 23:04

You were a social worker? Fuck me, it gets worse.

mrsplum2015 · 10/06/2023 23:10

If all your friends think you're strong and they are so supportive why aren't you asking them for help?
Perhaps they don't see the reality of you relying on a man to the detriment of you and your children.
Sorry to be harsh but I've been there as a single parent of 3 and it is bloody hard. But you have to be able to cope with staying with them alone on holiday ( or arrange to go with friends ) and saying you were too tired to drive your ex to the station at 530 is actually a bit ridiculous.
If you are unwell standards have to slip a bit and the 13 year old will have to make a sandwich for the 6 year old ( if you really can't manage it ).

To be honest I've only had about 3 times in 18 years I genuinely couldn't look after my children and that was due to a tummy bug. Everything else I've just pushed through.

Do you have chronic fatigue or something?

mrsplum2015 · 10/06/2023 23:11

Also get some help for yourself. Anxiety is eminently treatable whether you try anti depressants, hrt or therapy.

And I have no family in the country either.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2023 23:16

It's really not complicated, at all. You are making very questionable, sadly selfish, choices.

SBHon · 10/06/2023 23:19

Can I give an ultimatum? Sort your shit out in six months ?
What’s miraculously going to be different in 6months? Are you kicking the can down the road?

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