To feel DH anger is unacceptable?

[Yolo89]

DH has mental health problems and in turn an issue with alcohol, though can go for periods of abstinence. We live apart as his behaviour had been shocking at times.

My DC do not want to stay at his place. It's far from school, and it's not their home. DH will come to pick them up and they refuse to go so then DH gets very very angry and starts blaming me as I have told them in the past they don'ts have to go.

He just gets angrier and angrier at them, at me and as they don't go, then has to stay in the house and help as otherwise I get no help. But he does it with anger..I was ill last night and when I said for him to stop yelling, he told me how nothing happens with my way of dealing with them is through humour rather than yelling, that you don't need to tell to discipline or get through to them. He thinks I'm being soft.

When I tell him he is too angry , he just can't see it. He just tells me how nothing about me has changed since he moved out ( even though he is still drinking so nothing there had changed) , apparently bin.a narcisst, and when I said I'm happy inside , he didn't seem happy. And just mocked me. DH is not happy inside and needs to sort himself out. He said I'm never nicevyo him even though I try so hard even after his awful behaviour due to alcohol. Tonight the sand - anger as they wouldn't go to his. All the anger in my house. What do I do? Is this far from an acceptable relationship?

Stop going on to this nonsense about "who he really is" he is showing you who is is when he is being angry and abusive, it's not another person!

Talk us through the things you think you will struggling with lone parenting, plenty of us single parents on here who don't even share custody with some advice perhaps. I've been lone parenting for 14 years it's easier than relying on a abusive man for help.

@Yolo89

Saying this gently but ffs op you need to get strong for your kids sake

It's about them being happy and safe and consistent parenting

No offence but you mention more about how you need help and your tired and your not well etc etc and how things will be hard for you but what about your kids??

It doesn't matter how hard things are for you to start with. Your the resident parent and you need to put them first

Have you done benefit checks to make sure your getting what you can?

Have you asked about the universal credit childcare payments to help with after school?

Stop being so reliant on him to help YOU

he's got a duty to share parenting but if your no longer together you have no duty to each other whatsoever.

Yes you're right. He kind of helps but with anger and then thinks he's done loads. He then sits on his phone.

To the people telling me to hurry up - it's not that easy for many reasons. I have absolutely no family in the country for one.

But he is showing you the man he really is.

Lots of people have health conditions and poor mental health and they don't turn to alcohol and anger. The fact he has done that shows that it who he is.

You might be hoping for the person he used to be, or the person he shows 10% of the time

That isn't who he is though. The person we are is the behaviour we choose to display the majority of the time.

Why are you still married to this abusive arsehole and why are you allowing him to treat your children like this?

Get on with separating properly and get rid.

On a bank holiday he came away with you and your children ? Why? then it all went down hill you could have written the script, the kids don’t need him for child care whether your sick or working, doesn’t matter, stop asking him, loads of people don’t have family help,try befriending kids mums at school take it in turns to have kids round that would give you a break. He’s damaging them and if you don’t stop allowing this you might regret it when you see later how it has affected them. You are putting him first not your children and this needs to stop.

Stop going on to this nonsense about "who he really is" he is showing you who is is when he is being angry and abusive, it's not another person

And this. You are deluding yourself if you think there is more to him than this. Who he really is is an abusive alcoholic. Time to face this.

I understand that separation is not always that straightforward and you may need him for financial support for a while but you should be focusing on getting yourself to a point of financial independence as opposed to trying to bargain with him not to be an arsehole. That ship sailed a long time ago. Your children are absolutely right to protect themselves from this abuse and drama. Try to support them.

Alcohol changes personalities so he is not this person but he is this angry person at the moment yes. He wasn't for years . Before alcohol.

I am worried about finance, childcare,
I gave been trying to keep up normality but this is not normal. Having irrational arguments is not normal.

It's just all crap as they won't even go to his house and he has no money for 6-12 days of the month . Now.

It's just crap and it's just not that simple.

I think about my kids constantly and am so torn so please don't say it. I am trying to do what's best for them. Please

Well you can only live in the now.

You children are trying to live in the now

Your husband is trying to live in the now

You are trying to live in the past 'before alcohol'.

That doesn't exist anymore

But he is showing you who he really is. He is an abusive, controlling, angry bully.

Maybe down the line he can be someone else, but right now and for a good many years thats definitely who he really is. So right now your poor children are being exposed to an awful miserable home environment whenever he's around. Right now you need him COMPLETELY out of your life. Right now you need to protect your children.

If he really really has to pick the kids up then he doesn't need to come into the house. You don't have to lend him money. You don't have to have family bank holidays together. Stop enabling him and protect your children.

This relationship has reached it’s natural end and you need to properly pull the plug.

Get legal advice and get a divorce in motion.

Everything else will fall into place.

But you've had countless posters on this thread (and the many before) warning you about the damage and life long impact living in a chaotic household with an alcoholic parent has had on them.

Op you need help. Reach out to your gp, social services, women's aid but please, for the love of god get this man out of your lift. My heart is breaking for your poor kids

My children are happy. The situation is crap but they are happy.

I am working on a way to fix this

They choose not to see him OP, that speaks quite loudly.

My DC do not want to stay at his place

As PP said. This is not normal child behaviour. They are saying loud and clear they do not want to be with him. You are the one enforcing contact.

DH has mental health problems and in turn an issue with alcohol, though can go for periods of abstinence. We live apart as his behaviour had been shocking at times.

I have honestly only read the first paragraph - op your dh has alcohol problems, and in turn an issue with depression.

Continue living apart and divorce him.

@Yolo89

Your children aren't happy. They are just used to listening to the anger and arguing aren't they

It's up to you to keep them out of the situation and build a stable calm happy home for them

As I said in my last post have you looked at what you may be entitled to?

Does their school do after school clubs?

Can you adjust your working hours abit more?

He needs to not be in your house other than to pick up and drop off

Why family holidays?

@Yolo89 I'm sorry but you are deluding yourself if you don't think this isn't having a huge impact on them. Not to say they aren't happy when they're with you or have happy times, but being exposed to this is damaging them and you denying this suggests you could do with some professional help and support from someone like social services or women's aid.

Lechatnoir my children are happy but they are impacted. I get it. I was social worker in children s services . They are Noether being neglected or abused though yes anger impacts on them I'm trying to solve it. It's bloody hard.

Stop kidding yourself. Your children really aren't happy. This will impact them all their lives. Children don't need to be abused or neglected to be badly affected by the shit decisions parents make.
You are just as much to blame as your husband as you keep trying to relive the past and hope that the 'kind gentle' man will suddenly reappear. Get real. Your kids deserve better it is appalling that they are having to deal with this.

But he is this person. It’s irrelevant that he is OK when not under the influence. The fact of the matter is that when he drinks he is abusive and he is drinking. That is the reality of what you are dealing with now. Not some fantasy past when all was roses and sunshine. You have to deal with what you have, not what you want.

Your children have correctly identified and understood this which is why they (rightly) don’t want to be forced to spend time with this. They need you to back them up not to enable him.

I don’t want to minimise how difficult it is to extricate yourself from a marriage. I have been through it myself.

But the first step is for you to confront the fact that your husband is not going to go back to being an amiable and responsible father. You need to put your children first and stop constantly pandering to an outdated idea of what your marriage is like.

Time to do a proper cut and run from this man. Why are you putting up with this? And why are you making your kids put up with it?

Ultimately, you have to decide what is worst case, and what is best case. What if he's no better in a year? 5 years? 10 years?

You’re lying to yourself. Give yourself a shake and protect your children.

Stop making excuses for him and yourself. Neither of you sound happy so this arrangement isn't working. Until he sorts his alcoholism out, it won't change. You need to separate properly. Do it for your children if you can't do it for yourself. You need to put them first, at the moment it sounds totally fucked up for them.