Son hardly ever calls

[Brumbies]

I'm a widow with one son who is married with kids. I feel let down that he hardly ever rings me to ask how I am. I don't think he realises how lonely I get. Maybe i make the mistake of appearing to cope. Am I unreasonable to expect him to show some care?

Not unreasonable but how often do you call him? Also how much interest do you show in your grandchildren, do you look after them, buy them gifts etc?
Then on the other side of things I would say if you are lonely it is unreasonable to expect your grown up son to fill all your socialising needs. Are there local clubs you could join, bridge, yoga, walking groups etc?

He probably doesn't realise and may be busy/distracted with his life. Do you ring him? What's your relationship with his wife like? Do you have friends or want to make friends?

Can you paint a picture of your relationship with your son and his family? How far away do you live from your DS? Are you in each others lives at all?

How old ate kids. How far away, what does he do for work, how is his day.

Maybe he is flat out and exhausted with young kids. We need more info. Maybe he just doesn't realise and.you need to tell him it.would help to chat more, like on his way to work so it doesn't use up time?

How often does he call? If he doesn’t call, could you start calling him once a week or so?

My DM used to get frustrated because my Late DGM would never ring her, ever; she’d expect to be called up by my DM. It may just be he’s really busy with young DC- try ringing him once a week.

I agree though; I’d be hurt by a lack of contact and it would make me sad.

I'm so sorry, that sounds very lonely. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I mean this kindly, but how often do you call him? And is that different since your partner passed away?

I had a conversation along the same topic with one of my team recently after her FIL sadly died, in that case the MIL was now attempting to lean heavily on her son and DIL but the relationship just isn't there. It hadn't been built in the 45 years prior to this situation with the son and the 10 years+ since he'd been married to his wife. They'd kept themselves very separate, bar birthdays and Christmas etc so after the funeral that's how things carried on, except now MIL is incredibly lonely and upset.

It was very awkward for everyone and lots of hurt feels over mismanaged expectations. The MIL was expecting to suddenly spend holidays and weekends together and to start having regular calls etc. Not saying this is your situation at all

Is there anyone else you can spend time with? Work colleagues or friends from groups of clubs for example?

I am very sorry for your loss, OP. My partner’s dad is a widower and he complains that none of his kids ever call him. They don’t because he doesn’t call THEM. So I’d suggest you call him once a week or so.

@Brumbies , I rarely phone my widowed mother.
There are several reasons, which I will not bore you with all of them, but mainly:

• she's difficult to get hold of
• if I get hold of her, she'll talk for hours
• it's mainly about who's ill and who's annoyed her

You need to find something for yourself in your life - hobby / friends.
Then you need to phone your son regularly and make an effort with him his children - sitting bitterly and resentful is not going to help you, sorry

My advice would be to call him and keep it fairly brief and chatty. Ask him about his life, children and wife, and what they are all up to.
It's tough when you are lonely and your son might not be aware of it.
Sorry about your loss.

Is his wife a Mumsnetter by any chance? She probably doesn't like him having any sort of relationship with his mother.

Ah I'm so sorry for your loss. And with two sons I'm feeling I might be in the same boat! I just don't' think boys (sorry I'm generalising) are as good as calling their mums as girls are. I call my husband's mum more than my husband does!!

BUT, I think you need to make a point of calling him/them. And, as someone said upthread, don't talk about you (illnesses, sad things etc - I know you need an outlet but try to get someone else to talk to) but ask questions about him, your grandchildren and offer to help, help, help! And maybe take your daughter-in-law (if that is what it is), out for lunch?

Do you email/WhatsApp each other?

I've always hated phone calls, but me and my mum message all the time now she's got the hang of it. We chat every day on WhatsApp.

Do you call him, OP?

My mum doesn't call me and never has, since I went away to university. She expects me to call her. And when I do call her she often just talks at me without actually asking how I am.

I would like it to be a little more two way if I'm honest.

I think your post needed a smiley, @Paperlate .

@Randomness12 , that's me. I think DM regrets making little effort to create a warm relationship now, but it just isn't there. She and DSib get on fine, DSib and I haven't spoken for years - we were always played against each other as Golden Child and Black Sheep.

Nope no smiley needed. Just years of reading MiL bashing on MN.

Mine is lovely.

How often do you talk and how often would you like to talk?

Do you communicate with him via text/messenger/WhatsApp? He might find that easier and you will feel more connected.

I am sorry for your loss, how long ago were you widowed? Do you have friends you see?

Bit of a leap to make with no other context to go on. And fwiw I get on great with my mil.

Op I would say that pps are correct when they suggest you try to meet other people through different hobbies and activities. Loneliness is an awful feeling and so difficult, but your ds can only take away so much of that - the rest needs to come from you enriching your life as much as you can.

I would ring your ds and say you acknowledge that life with young kids is busy but you'd love to spend more time with him and them and your dil. Suggest having a weekly dinner maybe and take turns hosting? Could you take your dgc out to the park and babysit to let ds and dil get time to themselves and maybe see how your ds would feel about a regular phone call. Some people really hate talking on the phone and prefer to do things in person so perhaps he feels awkward on the phone to anyone?

It's not easy and I'm so sorry for your loss, hopefully you'll be able to find some things you really love doing and enjoy and meet some fabulous people while you're at it.

Not unreasonable but he’s probably oblivious.

I would say to him simply that you’d like to catch up more frequently. I know every Sunday I’ll either have a FaceTime or a WhatsApp session with my mum.

YANBU. Your DS should keep an eye out for his mum. How often do you contact DS and his D.C.? How often do you meet up?

You should be calling him - you are the parent. Why does it all sit with him? I'd expect the parent to take the lead in this situation, especially when he's the busy one working with young children and very little spare time. Why not take up some hobbies or fun activities so you have something to say when you do talk?

My parents are separated and I love them both equally. However, I speak to my mum daily and see her every week. I catch up with my dad much less regularly.

The main difference is my mum rings me and makes plans with me on a regular basis. My dad (though always there to help when I need him), is less chatty.

Do you call him and ask if he’d like to meet up? He might genuinely not know you would like to see him more often.

I ring my parents but they are never in! Either they are in the garden, or doing hobbies, or out with friends, or on holiday!

My step-MIL recently moved away after FiL died and she moans about us not visiting. She had a great support system before and she gave it up to start again 100 miles away in her mid-70s. (She swapped her council house for a one bed bungalow in the country). We can't visit right now because we can only go by train and the fares are extortionate! so we have to save up before we go. But she still moans.

YANBU