Son hardly ever calls

[Brumbies]

I'm a widow with one son who is married with kids. I feel let down that he hardly ever rings me to ask how I am. I don't think he realises how lonely I get. Maybe i make the mistake of appearing to cope. Am I unreasonable to expect him to show some care?

DH calls his mum on FB video call every couple of weeks, but they message back and forth on FB messenger much more frequently, they never do "phone calls".

If you haven't already, downloading and learning to use messenger and whatsapp is a good idea. With the video calls, you can see and talk to your son, your grandkids and sister-in-law all at once. It makes the call something everyone can take part in, rather than your son having to say "hush I'm talking to granny" every two seconds.

I also think that getting back out there and checking out local hobby clubs might be good for you. My parents recently took up learning instruments and joined a music club that meets each week to take turns reciting poetry/playing music, very friendly and informal.

I agree with this

This.

even the women who are claiming men are rubbish at it are stepping in to facilitate contact- calling his mum more than he does, prodding or nagging him into calling etc.

dh’s relationship with his mum is none of my business. He calls her most days, goes down to see her a lot, sorts birthday/Christmas etc for his family.

the amount of women I know that take it on as their role to buy gifts, remember birthdays, for their DH’s family.

it’s not that they’re crap, it’s that a woman will normally step in and do it for them. Women are conditioned to think that it’s them that gets judged and thought less of if cards don’t go out on time. Men know that they will be absolved because everyone will wonder why their wives haven’t done it.

I also think this idea that men go off and join dil’s family and have little to do with their own is very damaging. It seems to be self fulfilling as well where girls are expected to stay close to mum and dad, boys aren’t, and that message is set up very early on.

We don't know what OP's expectations are.

Maybe her son calls once a week, but she wants a daily check-in like her friend Susan gets from her son.

I suggest FB messenger too. My 3 adult sons will answer every time. It might be the next day, but it keeps us connected as we don't live in the same city anymore. We will phone probably once a week or 2 and have a long chat as well. Couldn't ask for more. This thing that sons aren't nice to their mothers is garbage in my experience.

What is ‘hardly ever’?
what level of contact are you wanting?
what is your relationship like with his wife?

most important to remember is that we can only change our own actions.
how often are you calling him?
what are you doing to help your loneliness? Are you nourishing friendships? Are you joining groups? Are you socialising with people you know?

I live half an hour away, kids are 10 and 12 - I should maybe try and phone more myself, and yes I s been involved with the kids from when I looked after them when dil went back to work.

I'm grateful for all the responses, I realise I should also make an effort.

I'm quite independent and my son has said to me before. when I've been faced with diversity, that I cope. Having said that, I am not really coping- on the outside I can see that it looks like I am, inside I'm not.

I'm not bitter, that's really not my nature.

I've no idea if she is.

I do know they see more of her parents than me, but that's the bad luck of mothers of sons I think.

We do WhatsApp, and I'm not great on the phone so yes good idea I shall message more.

One way in is through the children. It’s hard to ignore someone who is actively involved in your children’s life. Could you take them to one of their weekly activities, or take them for days out in the holidays etc etc

no it isn’t “bad luck”. It’s socialisation.

you expect him to spend more time with her family. Stop backing off because you think it’s normal. Phone, offer to take the kids out, invite for Sunday lunch. Don’t just sit back and accept it as your lot while they maintain relationships with the in laws. Suggest you all go out for Sunday lunch if they’re stuck between both.

I think it’s OK to say to your DS - on WhatsApp message if that’s more comfortable - ‘I’d love to see you soon, when might be good? Sunday lunch?’ Or similar. It’s hard to break a habit of not ‘bothering’ someone but you’re not a bother. Ask more questions and volunteer some suggestions and you’ll feel closer.

“I do know they see more of her parents than me, but that's the bad luck of mothers of sons I think.”

No, it’s not bad luck, it’s learned behaviour and previous expectations.
Honestly, growing up how many times did your son see his dad arrange the family social events with your family and even your husband’s side of the family?

How often do you see them now?

I'm sure that her feel much better, especially with the laughing emoji

So OP, you said you live half an hour away.

1. How often do you see them.

1. How often do you speak on the phone?

1. How often do you message?

Maybe you could set something up like once a month you have them round for a roast Sunday dinner. Then once a month you have the children overnight so their parents can have a date night. That way you will physically see them all once a fortnight.

It can be hard managing clubs for kids. Maybe offering to drive the kids to Judo/Scouts/ballet once a week would be helpful to them plus get you to see more of them.

You can't just say "that's the bad luck of mothers of sons I think" = bullshite

Unfortunately in life, you reap what you slow. Be honest with him and say you aren't coping.

Sow*

That was in response to the poster who asserted that boys don’t call and girls do. Mine are the opposite.

Sensible advice here.
Also invite for days out, trips away dependong on finances, Sunday luncues offer to babysit etc

I find using the phone difficult because of my deafness. DDs and I wattsapp mostly but not every day and I've just begun emailing with DGS also aged 10.

Amused at the number of people saying -or implying- that if you want a relationship with your adult son you need to baby sit, or pay for days out! Seriously? Is that really how it works?

@CurlewKate but why would a grandparent not want a relationship with their grandchildren? It sounds like she used to look after them while dil worked but this contact seems to have stopped now it isn’t ‘needed’ which also sounds very one sided.

DH calls his mum on FB video call every couple of weeks, but they message back and forth on FB messenger much more frequently, they never do "phone calls".

That's the same as me and DD. The idea of having long mother/daughter chats is an alien concept to the both of us. Our calls last about 2 minutes unless we have something major to talk about.

Well I think half an hour away and little face to face contact is pretty odd - the specificity of phone calls made me think you must be quite far apart!

I think you should get hold of him and have a heart to heart about your feelings - tell him that just because you appear to be coping well without DH doesn't mean you are, and that you would like to spend more time with him, his wife and children and be closer to them all. Maybe google somewhere nearby you could all go to like a museum or aquarium and suggest it to him.