Son hardly ever calls

[Brumbies]

I'm a widow with one son who is married with kids. I feel let down that he hardly ever rings me to ask how I am. I don't think he realises how lonely I get. Maybe i make the mistake of appearing to cope. Am I unreasonable to expect him to show some care?

What were your plans for avoiding loneliness as you aged?

@TrioofTrumps " but why would a grandparent not want a relationship with their grandchildren?"

I just don't see why her contact with her son should be dependent on her babysitting or paying for days out.

Days out don’t have to be expensive, it could be a picnic in the park. The OP is talking about loneliness and spending time with all her close family could help.

@TrioofTrumps "Days out don’t have to be expensive, it could be a picnic in the park. The OP is talking about loneliness and spending time with all her close family could help."

Yes. But she also would like contact with her son. 2 different things.

I would ring him once or twice a,week, but also try to make contact with other people, through hobbies or classes etc. I joined a shared reading group, and I love it, as although I don't like just chatting or gossiping it gives you a shared experience tto talk about, not anything very academic, but what the reading made you feel or remember. I also attend a seated exercise class, as my mobility isn't very good, and all the attendees are similar, with ages from 50s to 80s. I am mostly happy on my own but find I do feel better generally with at least a couple of days where I see other people.

How often do you speak to him - I don't think you've answered that one?

Also if you're not coping, why do you think it's your DSs job to sort that out for you ? I can see if it's maybe physical things you need doing, but if it's an emotional need then you need to widen your circle a bit, maybe speak to a counsellor if you feel you can't start other friendships or activities.

Are you included for things like Christmas and special birthdays? Could you build your relationship directly with the DGCs a bit more now they are a bit older ?

I just don't' think boys (sorry I'm generalising) are as good as calling their mums as girls are. I call my husband's mum more than my husband does!!

This is like saying ‘boys will be boys’, or ‘men aren’t good at housework’. Of course they are perfectly good at housework if they can be arsed to do it or see it as their responsibility.

My OH calls his mum every day - much more than me - but that doesn’t mean men are better at calling their parents.

Maybe try and invite them to dinner once a month if you can or offer to take the grandchildren to the cinema or zoo or somewhere. Just try and be as accommodating and helpful as possible so that your son feel like he owes you the effort.
How is your relationship with his wife? Could you perhaps call her or message her?.
Try and take a keen interest in their lives, and offer help as much as you can.
that way you won’t come across as as someone they feel obligated to contact but rather someone they feel they ‘need’ to contact.
it must be very hard for you. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to be this way, it’s very busy having a job and family to care for. I often have to remind my husband to go and see his mum and she only lives up the road. But the reality is he works 6 days a week and sometimes he’s so knackered he can’t even be bothered to do anything else and the days and weeks whizz by so fast.
if you’re on good terms with his wife perhaps she’ll help with encouraging him to keep in contact.

I've been thinking about this situation a lot recently. I have one DS, no other children and my DM passed away 18 months ago.

When DM first passed we obviously spent a lot of time with DF. However, as time passes, he doesn't seem able to take (or want to take) responsibility for addressing his loneliness and building up interests and hobbies etc. It's all on me and DB to fill his time and be his emotional support and, to be very honest, it's a heavy burden to bear, feeling I'm responsible for his happiness. He also won't learn how to text or what's app. It has to be in person visits or long phone calls, which I don't always have the time for and then end up feeling horribly guilty about.

It's certainly made me think I never want my DS to feel like that. I think try to come to an arrangement with your DS to have regular contact but, as others have said, also take charge of your life and build up your own interests so you're not solely reliant on him. In the nicest possible way, your DS should of course care you're ok, but he isn't responsible for your happiness.

Nailed it 👌

@Sarahtm35 "Just try and be as accommodating and helpful as possible so that your son feel like he owes you the effort."

This really isn't how healthy relationships work.

I think this is spot on.

Our dc aren't responsible for stopping us from being lonely. We all have to take responsibility for that ourselves.

OP I have no idea how old you are, whether you drive, how fit and well you are, and (importantly) how recently you were widowed. All these will impact. However, you have had lots of helpful suggestions on here about things like keeping in touch via whatsapp rather than long phone calls, and about you getting in touch rather than sitting there waiting for him to.

My ds rarely calls me, but we usually have contact most days, via one of the WhatsApp groups. Oh, and to dispute the 'men don't call thing' he is more likely to be in touch with me than either of my dds.
However, I live my own life, and don't rely on my dc to stop me being lonely.