Son hardly ever calls

[Brumbies]

I'm a widow with one son who is married with kids. I feel let down that he hardly ever rings me to ask how I am. I don't think he realises how lonely I get. Maybe i make the mistake of appearing to cope. Am I unreasonable to expect him to show some care?

It depends on what your relationship has been like over the years and what you’re expecting, how busy he is etc.

I am going to buck the trend and say that no, you are not being unreasonable. He should call. When my mum was widowed I called her constantly. Or Whatsapped with pictures and stuff. And I didn't mind if she was sad or moaned. Because she had been married for over 40 years.

I may get told of for gender stereotyping but I think men are just a bit rubbish at this. My partner doesn't really call his parents. He loves them and gets on with them but he just doesn't think to / get round to calling.

You might need to call him!

@DisappearingGirl I agree with you. Neither does mine. I used to prod him but now I cba. I think men often have very transactional communication. "Nothing much is happening so I didn;t call you. I would call if I had news."

My DS calls me every single day 😂

DD about once a week. They’re both mid twenties.

I just leave them with the contact that suits them, but we do have regular messenger contact - memes, in jokes, little updates. I find that really helps us in staying connected when life gets busy.

@MyMILisLovely "I think your post needed a smiley, @Paperlate"

I don't think it did!

I know it sounds harsh but he isn't responsible for your happiness. If you're lonely then you need to socialise with people you're own age and find some hobbies.

But also, you need to put some effort in too. Our parents live far away but they've learnt how to use WhatsApp. Mid 70s.

Your own age*

@Brumbies Do you text? WhatsApp?

I very rarely talk to my adult children on the phone- I know there's something serious/bad happening if they want to talk-but we text most days. Just general chat-or to send a picture, or a link to something. Could you try that?

Yes, you absolutely need to learn to use WhatsApp and other tech. ( sorry missed if you already have).

If you go onto YouTube and type in 'how do I use WhatsApp basic' there will be lots of videos telling how.

It's a free app on your phone and it can also do video calls for free.

One of my DS is pretty terrible at calling and when he does it’s not great, he’s just not a phone chatter. But we have a great family WhatsApp and communicate well there.

Try not to be hurt but maybe consider different ways of communicating?

My own DM is also widowed and wished I would call her more frequently but she always wants to talk ( mostly about the same things) for at least half an hour so I put it off. She also never, ever calls me, saying she’s worried I’ll be busy. So don’t be her. Make calls yourself, keep them short and fun. And do some interesting things to chat about. It may be guilt that stops him calling.

I’m going to take a guess that when his dad was alive, the family social glue was you, and like so many men he’s had a whole life of it being modelled that women think of others and make those calls, and men don’t. How often did you call him before his father died, and how often did his father call him?

If you’re recently widowed, it’s really poor of him, but not surprising if there’s no history of driving contact with you. If it’s been some time now, less poor.

Will you really feel less lonely if you’re getting an obvious “duty” call?

I would concentrate on expanding your social life away from your son, and looking into whether you can be a party of their family life (taking grandchildren out, holiday cover?) separate to phone calls.

Men are not rubbish at it. They’re just not socialised into it.

Exactly. They are taught that is women's work.

How do you make him feel? Does he maybe not like hearing about your loneliness because apart from moving you in with him, or moving back home, what can he really do?

Also, maybe he’s just not that interested.
If you’re not in your grandchildren’s life and I mean, know every single detail, I don’t see how it works.

I try and have as little contact with my mum. I call her but refuse to visit. She has awful friends terrible relationships breaks up with people gossips whinges hypochondriac has unknown symptoms that I’m supposed to find cure to that the doctors couldn’t find. And spends hours talking about something that’s bothering her only to find next day it’s fine. And I could have finished off that piece I was writing! Erghh!

At some point you wonder… if other people her own age see through this… she expects me to be obligated and play along? I mean, out of obligation. She doesn’t listen to my advice. At all.

My advice to you if you can: Go on holiday. Join a Pilates class. Art class. Read. Garden. Bake. Make friends.

My dh never rings his mum unless I tell him too and nag him.

But she never contacts us either.

Lol reading this. It's spot on.

I'm quite skilled at guiding conversation and changing the subject. My siblings are not and therefore contact is sparse.

I think bearing this in mind would help. Your son and family are at a different life stage to you. They don't want to hear about XYZ who's ill and who has died and who's in decline. Or about who's annoyed you or haven't reached your expectations. I might have this completely wrong. But try texting lighter things. I find it easier to reach out to the elderly in my life through text. I will call and I do call but I always text. Text is easier, it's less intrusive, if you keep in touch with text then phone calls follow.

Sons generally are notoriously poor at maintaining contact. You need to establish routine. Texting is your friend.

I don’t much like phone calls with my mum because she tells super-long overly-detailed stories about her ailments and updates about people I don’t know…or she expects me to have very interesting and exciting things to tell her, which I generally don’t as family life is generally not massively exciting! I don’t know what the solution is but generally sons are thought to be usually way worse about keeping in contact than daughters. So I’d agree with PP to try to make friends with his wife and get involved with GC if distance allows.

It might also be the case that the OP's son just doesn't like talking on the phone.

My grandmother didn't (calls with her usually lasted around two minutes) and a lot of millennials don't.

I much prefer to WhatsApp my mother.

I am a widow, one DS living 300 miles away. DS is married with small child. Following death of DH I made effort to make independent social life (successfully). This means when I visit or have telephone call with DS and DDIL I have something “to bring to the table” in conversational terms. Your son is more open to a phone call if it means a chat with his happy, busy, independent mother. I visit them when I am invited. (I do ask when might be convenient, but I never visit without an invitation) and when I’m staying in their home I very much respect their rules and try to help as much with DGS and give them a bit of time off. This has resulted in me being invited regularly and us managing to build a happy relationship following the loss of DH. Remember they love you and want to help you, but they have busy and tiring lives themselves.

I'm unsure if you are recently bereaved as you mention being a widow. If so I would expect contact to increase a bit initially following your loss.
If what you mean is that you're generally lonely (rather than specificically missing your husband)and you've been widowed years rather than months then I think you're placing an unfair burden on your son. Your post seems to hinge on the fact that you don't have anyone/thing in your life and you expect your son to plug that gap. There's no mention of missing him, wanting to meet the grandchildren etc, it's all about you.
Did you used to be close to your son? What changed? Are you one of these people who expects everyone to come to you because you don't drive? Or perhaps you do but you prefer people to visit at specific times eg not evenings. Have you ever baby sat for them? These things are relavent. If you want a closer relationship you need to build one. If you want to be less lonely you need to socialise.
Unfortunately your husband has gone now. You have to engineer a different life. Its your responsibility.

why can't you make arrangements?

These kind of posts should be a warning not to rely on other people for our own happiness. The son, of course, is under no obligation to call. We all need to plan for a life potentially on our own, find our own hobbies, interests etc and if we do end up with family/friend relationships as part of that life, it's a bonus not a fundamental element.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm a widow too and it's not easy.

Yes I think your son should call at least weekly. Tbh I think that's really the minimum unless there'sbeen a real relationship breakdown. So I would start modelling that and call him. I'd also concentrate on the kids if you can - ask to speak to them each week and send postcards. Building a relationship with them would be a really positive thing and would help you to feel more hopeful.

Do consider a support group or similar. Sometimes it's nice to go somewhere you can talk freely about what you've lost 💐