MIL wants to see baby every day

[PinkkHydrangea]

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I wouldn't say it was great because we are quite different people personality wise, but we get along fine and have never had any sort of issues. I will add that she is the type of person who is always right, no matter what and I learned early on how to navigate this.

Me and DH are TTC (not having the best luck due to some MC) and she made a comment today that's sent my head spinning trying to think of how to fix the problem before it arises.

We were discussing someone in the family who has recently had a baby and that she's struggling with too many visitors. I was on the side of the new mum and MIL wasn't. She then said "well when you have a baby I'll be here every day and you wouldn't be able to stop me". Knowing her personality and not wanting to have an argument about a baby I haven't conceived yet, I just moved past the comment.

This was not a joke, just to be clear.

Now I'm left thinking the only option is to barricade the doors or emigrate. She lives 10 mins away.

You get DH to set expectations when you are pregnant. Make sure she doesn’t have a key and get a ring door bell. It will be fine.

Move. Seriously. She is way too close.

Don't have any babies until there is distance between you and MIL and some boundaries otherwise she will force her way in whenever she wants because she is used to being obeyed.

For the sake of your marriage and sanity, find somewhere else to live BEFORE you start having kids.

I think that’s a bit drastic. I agree boundaries and expectations need to be set but mum in law can be incredibly helpful when babies come along

No disrespect but I would love to have someone who supports me unfortunately I don't, however I do understand that she seems to be intrusive, why not just talk to her set your boundries, she can't force u to open the door for her everytime she feels like coming over.

With my fertility issues I wouldn't put off TTC for any reason, but I agree we live too close.

She doesn't have a key thank god @Summerishereagain

I have my own DM who would help me at my request when it suits me, not barge her way in every day when it suits her

I'd concentrate less on the relationship with your MIL and more on the one with your DH because it's going to need to be rock solid and very aligned on this issue if she's not going to be allowed to cause major dramas and stress for you going forward.

There is actually lots you can do about it, but you're going to need the full backing and understanding of your DH.

Sometimes when she just turns up you might be out or you might have friends over. She will need to give you a day/ time to expect her. You might be glad to hand your baby over to her for an hour or so to get some sleep. If she builds a good relationship with a baby she might offer to babysit from time to time. I wouldn't be upsetting her.

you’re concerned about something that hasn’t yet happened
it’s really up to your DH to have the chat with her and set boundaries
as long as she doesn’t has a key, just don’t answer the door, get a ring doorbell and pretend you’re out, answer and say baby and you are sleeping
you just need to make sure your DH is on your side and he sets the boundaries

Unfortunately you have let her get used to you rolling over and letting her have her way…that is what ‘navigating’ with her need to be right all the time has done. (You have actually just been appeasing a bully)

You need to bite the bullet and start setting boundaries, she is probably going to kick up a stink and you will have to hold firm. Its quite like dealing with a toddler, so will be good practice for you in a couple of years! If you can reset your relationship with her before the baby is here, you will reap the benefits when you are sleep deprived and even more hormonal.

You need to move at least two hours away or you will lose your sanity.

YANBU but don’t give it much thought. Honestly, for the most part babies are boring and draining. If MIL wants to come round every day and babysit, then good - you can sleep!

It’s all in theory, though. Let it go for now.

I wouldn’t worry OP. When my SIL was pregnant, MIL announced that she would come and stay every week Wednesday to Friday to provide childcare (she doesn’t live close by).

This has never happened.

Just let it go straight over your head and forget about it. People have all sorts of ideas about babies and the reality is quite different.

I personally wouldn’t tell anyone I was TTC though tbh, it kind of invites speculation, comments etc.

Best of luck

DH would back me up either way, he knows what she's like.

I don't usually keep my front door locked during the day so that might be a way for me to signal whether I'm 'open' for a visit or if I don't want to be disturbed as I can't pretend I'm not home with my car outside.

I think you're right @WeightInLine I should probably let it go for now as it might never come up.

You're probably right.

She doesn't know we're TTC as I haven't discussed that with anyone, but she knows about my first MC and that we want to have children.

I think I'm probably taking it too personally as we haven't had the easiest ride trying to become parents so far.

Of course you can stop her, you just don't let her in the house! And every time she turns up uninvited adds an extra week until the next time she will be invited. As long as DH backs it up she'll learn very quickly.

Also start locking your door! Why people don't lock them is beyond me. Theives will test doors and grab whats near them - car keys, hand bags, purse etc. Also if you have a baby and they become mobile they'll learn to use a lock later than they'll learn to open doors!

The best way for you to "signal" that you're up for visitors is if the visitors text you and say they'd love to see you, and ask when it's convenient for them to pop round, and you tell them when that would be.

Don't have her trying the door handle. Honestly, boundaries are you friend here. You're going to need them hard and early with this one, it's easier to relax them later than ramp them up.

If you don't answer the door then she can't get into the house
If your out for an appointment then you'll not be home to receive her visit
If you're out with a friend then you'll not be home to receive visitors
If the midwife calls then she will have to make herself scarce etc

I'd tell her she's welcome to visit every day 7-10 haha I'd enjoy a nice lie in and a shower then she can bugger off.

Just reflecting on my comment, I don’t think I was sympathetic enough OP!

Her comment would have really annoyed me - as if the new mum should have no say in who visits and you wouldn’t be able to stop her. Rude.

But, there’s no point in worrying about it. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Maybe a good idea to get into the habit of boundaries now though if she is used to just dropping round unannounced.

Of course you can. People do walk you know or go with friends/family.

but you don't need to get in to pretending to be out. Just talk through the doorbell & say sorry,now isn't a good time. If only you'd rung first week could have arranged a good time to visit. Byeeeee

Haha I like this suggestion

That's what bothered me most. The fact that she said I wouldn't be able to stop her.

It came across like it will be her grandchild and SHE will see him/her whenever she wants.

This!!!

Move at least 2 hours away.