MIL wants to see baby every day

[PinkkHydrangea]

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I wouldn't say it was great because we are quite different people personality wise, but we get along fine and have never had any sort of issues. I will add that she is the type of person who is always right, no matter what and I learned early on how to navigate this.

Me and DH are TTC (not having the best luck due to some MC) and she made a comment today that's sent my head spinning trying to think of how to fix the problem before it arises.

We were discussing someone in the family who has recently had a baby and that she's struggling with too many visitors. I was on the side of the new mum and MIL wasn't. She then said "well when you have a baby I'll be here every day and you wouldn't be able to stop me". Knowing her personality and not wanting to have an argument about a baby I haven't conceived yet, I just moved past the comment.

This was not a joke, just to be clear.

Now I'm left thinking the only option is to barricade the doors or emigrate. She lives 10 mins away.

Those saying don't worry, cross that bridge when it comes etc, I disagree.

She's clearly told you she will be doing what she wants regardless of your wants or your needs, whilst you're recovering from childbirth and caring for a newborn. Fuck that!

It happens. There are threads upon threads about grandparents behaving like this. It's far from unusual sadly.

I'd start putting boundaries in place now. Doors locked. Doorbell. Do that BEFORE there's a baby on the scene.

I'd also feel her out more around this topic. Get a feel of what you'll be up against. Make sure DH is on the same page with you in terms of parenting styles, how often you'd like grandparents involved, plans on visitors after baby is born (both read up on the fourth trimester). If your DH isn't able to be on the same page and have healthy boundaries then THAT is the problem, over and above mil.

This would bother me.

Maybe she wouldn't see it through; but my MIL only stepped up her insanity when DS arrived, and man I wish we'd put a stop to it before I was even pregnant... so much of my pregnancy and his early months were marred by her batshit behaviour.

"Sound advice. When did the idea of a 'little bubble' where the outside world isn't allowed start? It may surprise its proponents but parents have managed to 'bond' with their babies since time immemorial withour isolating themselves!"

I'm sorry to say that comments like this really sadden me. People can be so quick to point out that things worked 'just fine' in the past. You might not like the idea of a bubble, and that's fine - no ones telling you that you have to have one - but if others like the idea of it then allow them to choose to adopt that idea.

Each generation we get access to new knowledge and more liberation to move away from what we feel is expected of us and do what feels right for us. That is progress! No one is saying the old ways were bad necessarily, but there's no guarantee they were the best way either. Ultimately, how to live your life with a new baby is a decision for the parents and the parents alone. The grandparents views can be offered and may be helpful, but grandparents should not impose their views.

There is no baby yet though…so this is completely irrelevant.

You say you have a good relationship with her, and only basing this off one comment she made before you were even pregnant?

And if you want to bubble yourself away from everyone you can, but equally don't expect everyone to fall over themselves to help you if you then decide you want something.

If you decide you will permit grandparents to visit once a fortnight for a couple hours at a time that suits you, that's fine. But don't be surprised when they say no to looking after that baby 8am-6pm X days a week for you for free when it suits you because you are going back to work.

If you offer no concessions or flexibility yourself don't expect it from others. If you keep people at a distance with your 'rules' that's where they will stay. That's the same treatment you will get in return. If you prevent grandparents from coming over and seeing your child, you can't be the person years down the line complaining how much more said grandparents do for the children of other siblings that have let them be much more involved and built that closer relationship. It's what you asked for.

Start as you mean to go on, if what you want is involved grandparents then let them get involved from the start. I'm not saying she should see the child daily. You'll need to address that should the need arise. But if you're looking at them looking after the child for you 2 days a week when you go back to work, well then 2 visits a week that could turn into those days isn't all that unreasonable.

This sounds like a very drastic response from grandparents, to new parents asking if they can have just a couple of weeks to get to know their baby!

Lock your door!!!! A thief can be in and out in moments. People may be assaulted by intruders in their own homes.

Toddlers are escape artists and will learn to open an unlocked door and get out.

Lock it as a habit.

Get the ring doorbell.

Do not give her a key.

Start talking about what is going to happen, now, before you're even expecting. Give it time to settle in.

Have a serious talk with your OH about your requirements and find out what his thoughts are about his mother being there every day. Make sure he is 💯 certain about your views in this, understands his role is now to support his wife and child and not to appease his mother. Many men fund this difficult as we know from so many Mumsnet posts so it's best to ensure he's up to speed now. Before there's a baby.

Do the groundwork now so you don't have to be digging when you've just given birth.