Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to see baby every day

82 replies

PinkkHydrangea · 09/06/2023 15:22

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I wouldn't say it was great because we are quite different people personality wise, but we get along fine and have never had any sort of issues. I will add that she is the type of person who is always right, no matter what and I learned early on how to navigate this.

Me and DH are TTC (not having the best luck due to some MC) and she made a comment today that's sent my head spinning trying to think of how to fix the problem before it arises.

We were discussing someone in the family who has recently had a baby and that she's struggling with too many visitors. I was on the side of the new mum and MIL wasn't. She then said "well when you have a baby I'll be here every day and you wouldn't be able to stop me". Knowing her personality and not wanting to have an argument about a baby I haven't conceived yet, I just moved past the comment.

This was not a joke, just to be clear.

Now I'm left thinking the only option is to barricade the doors or emigrate. She lives 10 mins away.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 09/06/2023 16:28

Move!

standardduck · 09/06/2023 16:35

My MIL was like this. Luckily my DH got a job opportunity abroad and we ended up moving before TTC.

Make sure your DH is 100% on your side when it comes to boundaries and family visits.

saraclara · 09/06/2023 16:36

If she says it again, laugh and remind her that this baby will have two grandmothers and that if they both turn up every day you will never have any time to yourself.

Start off humorously in a 'don't be daft' kind of way while you're TTC. Then ramp it up and get more serious when you need to, and if she doesn't get the point after the more light hearted responses.

Mkgmum · 09/06/2023 16:43

I had this issue- when the time comes your partner will need to speak up. I'm normally quite outspoken but pregnancy hormones do some weird things to you, the anxiety made things seem more complicated than they needed to be. Besides, it's his mum he should do it. You will not want visitors every day or even every other day

MammaTo · 09/06/2023 16:43

I’d take what she said with a pinch of salt.

My mum said the same and that no one could keep her away etc etc and yes she’d visit but not every day.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 09/06/2023 16:45

I used to get comments like that too, it hasn’t worked out that way though and everyone is very respectful.

Redglitter · 09/06/2023 16:46

If she starts that nip it in the bud immediately. My friend had a similar situation with her first baby. Her Mum popped in every day on her way home from work. It was ridiculous.

My friend ended up getting totally stressed out about it. She let it go on far too long & then it was difficult to break the routine.

Be firm from the outset if it looks like becoming a thing

MooMooSharoo · 09/06/2023 16:48

FartSock5000 · 09/06/2023 15:25

Move. Seriously. She is way too close.

Don't have any babies until there is distance between you and MIL and some boundaries otherwise she will force her way in whenever she wants because she is used to being obeyed.

For the sake of your marriage and sanity, find somewhere else to live BEFORE you start having kids.

Unfortunately unless you don't give them the new address when you move it doesn't always work!

Some friends of mine moved 45 mins away and she said to me at the time "it's handy as we're now a convenient distance away from DH's family so won't have to see them so much".

Her BIL ended up buying the house right behind theirs (as in could see in to their house from the upstairs windows!) and her PILs ended up buying a house at the only entrance to their estate!

JeanMarsh · 09/06/2023 16:48

Move. As far as you can.

Whatt · 09/06/2023 16:49

Breastfeed if you can and then sit there

Fandabedodgy · 09/06/2023 16:55

No need to move house over a throwaway comment about a baby that hasn't yet been conceived

If it happens you agree ground rules.

GG1986 · 09/06/2023 17:19

My mil was given a spare key in case of emergencies. She then used that key to let herself in when we were on holiday and clean our house and another time to let herself in when we were inside and she hadn't told us she was coming. OH nipped it in the bud and got the key off her ASAP! Honestly though if she's only 10 minutes away I would be moving house!! Once you have children, mil and mother's seem to change and can become intrusive as its their precious grandchildren! Good luck.

Mindymomo · 09/06/2023 17:41

My MIL was a godsend to us, DS came out crying and virtually cried every minute he wasn’t feeding or sleeping. MIL worked full time but came over after work so I could have a bath in peace and DH and I could eat dinner without interruptions. She then offered to go part time so I could return to work part time. MIL looked after baby at our house, so also did washing, ironing and wouldn’t accept any money. She was a single parent in the late 1950’s and her sister looked after my DH so she could work full time. It wasn’t until she had been looking after DS for a while that she told me she had missed out so much of DH’s childhood, due to having to work, she was great.

JeanMarsh · 09/06/2023 18:22

@Mindymomo that’s great, you had a lovely MIL and a great relationship but how does that help the op with her crazy nasty MIL? Have you read the thread?

JeanMarsh · 09/06/2023 18:23

@Mindymomo so sorry, please excuse, wrong thread. Totally my fault! 💐

Confusion101 · 09/06/2023 18:54

This was my MIL!! I agree you are right to not say anything yet. I waited until I was pregnant and in the second half of the pregnancy to bring up the subject. I explained all visitors, no matter how close, would have to text beforehand. She did occasionally pop by unexplained but usually stuck to the texting rule.

I actually totally disagree with the people saying move. I was very thankful to have MIL close by on days I was struggling, overwhelmed, tired, etc etc...

littlehattie · 09/06/2023 21:20

My MIL has a similar attitude and has made comments in this category. I realised that we needed to move away. She lives 15 mins away currently. We'll be moving 2.5 hours away.

I've got no time for it and distance and boundaries need to be established prior to babies with this kind of personality. They are so used to their own way that they can't imagine being challenged. I honestly have no time for it and cannot wait to be further away

MumApril1990 · 09/06/2023 22:18

Aren’t you lucky to have a DM and a DMIL who wants to see your future child daily and support you. Do you realise many people have nobody who cares?

Noodlepoodles21 · 09/06/2023 22:23

PinkkHydrangea · 09/06/2023 15:22

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I wouldn't say it was great because we are quite different people personality wise, but we get along fine and have never had any sort of issues. I will add that she is the type of person who is always right, no matter what and I learned early on how to navigate this.

Me and DH are TTC (not having the best luck due to some MC) and she made a comment today that's sent my head spinning trying to think of how to fix the problem before it arises.

We were discussing someone in the family who has recently had a baby and that she's struggling with too many visitors. I was on the side of the new mum and MIL wasn't. She then said "well when you have a baby I'll be here every day and you wouldn't be able to stop me". Knowing her personality and not wanting to have an argument about a baby I haven't conceived yet, I just moved past the comment.

This was not a joke, just to be clear.

Now I'm left thinking the only option is to barricade the doors or emigrate. She lives 10 mins away.

Omg. I cannot imaging having either my mum or mil 10 mins away, I’d go bonkers! Good luck. Definitely get DH to set boundaries, do not get in to habit of doing that yourself. You always look like the bad guy. Just get him to do it

Appleofmyeye2023 · 09/06/2023 22:33

HowcanIhelp123 · 09/06/2023 15:50

Of course you can stop her, you just don't let her in the house! And every time she turns up uninvited adds an extra week until the next time she will be invited. As long as DH backs it up she'll learn very quickly.

Also start locking your door! Why people don't lock them is beyond me. Theives will test doors and grab whats near them - car keys, hand bags, purse etc. Also if you have a baby and they become mobile they'll learn to use a lock later than they'll learn to open doors!

This

lock your doors

my mum had all her jewellery stolen by a thief coming in whilst she was in back garden. That was nearly 30 years ago. Sadly she had a terminal illness at time, and it hurt her more to know she couldn’t pass on pieces including stuff she’d inherited from her mother. It was a painful lesson for all the family. We always keep doors locked

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 09/06/2023 22:33

She doesn't need your mobile number op. Let dh manage her calls and expectations
. She gets no details on your medical (pregnancy and post natal) business.. Once dc arrives dh can update with pics etc. He needs to be The Gatekeeper also.

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 09/06/2023 22:34

Make sure you’re out lots!!!

Rainbowqueeen · 09/06/2023 22:35

If she says it again I’d treat it as a joke as in “ha ha mil, good one, I know you’d never be that rude “.

Its good that you and DH are on the same page. I hope she rethinks her approach, for your sake and for hers.

TrueScrumptious · 09/06/2023 22:39

Start locking your front door as a matter of course. I can’t imagine having a front door unlocked so that anyone could just come in.

Itsanotherhreatday · 09/06/2023 22:44

as I can't pretend I'm not home with my car outside

Yes you can! People do walk places and get picked up by friends and relatives.

Start now, don’t answer the phone every time she calls, lock the front door - and don’t answer it - you don’t have to be available - you could be taking a nap/bath/shagging and want the door locked!! All perfectly normal behaviours.

Don’t become her victim - she’ll soon tire of it.

Those saying ‘be glad of the help’ don’t understand how these woman railroad their way in and wear people down when they are vulnerable: