MIL wants to see baby every day

[PinkkHydrangea]

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I wouldn't say it was great because we are quite different people personality wise, but we get along fine and have never had any sort of issues. I will add that she is the type of person who is always right, no matter what and I learned early on how to navigate this.

Me and DH are TTC (not having the best luck due to some MC) and she made a comment today that's sent my head spinning trying to think of how to fix the problem before it arises.

We were discussing someone in the family who has recently had a baby and that she's struggling with too many visitors. I was on the side of the new mum and MIL wasn't. She then said "well when you have a baby I'll be here every day and you wouldn't be able to stop me". Knowing her personality and not wanting to have an argument about a baby I haven't conceived yet, I just moved past the comment.

This was not a joke, just to be clear.

Now I'm left thinking the only option is to barricade the doors or emigrate. She lives 10 mins away.

Park in the next street!

I'd chill out for now. When it's your first you don't know what to expect. You could have a happy sleeping baby and adjust well, you could have the colicky baby from hell and struggle. Ultimately I'd not be putting my foot down until there's something to put my foot down on.

The instinct may be very protective and private, but if the baby screams constantly, neither of you have slept 3 days and feel unsafe in charge of a baby, you don't want to have scared off the help of people that love that baby nearest as much as you do.

If you had a child, would you be going back to work? What would be your childcare plan? You say you don't want her there daily, but if you're expecting her to look after baby 5 out of 7 days when you go back to work for free then I'd be pissed off at you as the MIL to be told to stay away, but then be expected to be there daily when it suits you.

It comes from a place of excitement, maybe that will lead to issues, maybe it won't. Maybe it will all be talk and there won't be any involvement. If there's issues, put your foot down when the time comes.

I had a bit of this at the start, mainly just extremely long visits rather than every day and it seemed like they didn’t care about me at all or the fact I was like a half shut knife and so desperately wanted my bed and not to have to sit on the sofa and be uncomfortable for another hour. They just wanted to repeatedly pass the baby back and forwards between them for hours on end and would answer back if I tried to stand up for myself at all or actually take my own baby (being the mum and all) 🙄 I cried after they left multiple times as I was just so overwhelmed and was already really anxious and just so uncomfortable with them answering me back if I politely asked for my baby back after 3 hours of frantic rocking or asked if they wouldn’t mind leaving him to sleep in his Moses basket instead of waking him up again.

The main issue was my DH would sit back and say nothing while they were there then agree with me as I cried after they left then do the same again the next time. I knew it would happen before he was born and did ask if he could maybe subtly lay some ground rules but he didn’t. I’m about to have a second baby and they will be very bluntly being told this time. They’ve ruined it for themselves really as I wouldn’t have minded them visiting very early on if they could limit it to an hour or so but I can’t face the hours on end of intense passing the baby about again so will say I’ll let them know when we’re ready for a visit and somehow I’m going to have to get in that it can’t be too long! 🙈 I even arranged friends to come two hours after them once so that it would be a subtle way of letting them know their ‘shot’ was up but they didn’t stand up and just continued to sit on the sofa. It was so awkward and my friends were just left standing there! You need to get DH to set clear ground rules from before day 1 or it will build up and build up and you’ll already be an emotional wreck but it just tips you over the edge

I know right, I'm a single mum, no family or friends, God I wish I had support in my life... I would give anything for this, however I do understand it can be smothering and get very intrusive, however I'd be grateful for a break tbh

OP,

You can definitely help yourself NOW by locking your door always and getting a video bell.

This will create a new boundary and the sooner the better.

For some those remarks might be exuberance but if she is bossy and dominant it was rude and would indeed get most peoples back up.

But with good boundaries you might manage it well.

My friend found her MIL a little much and needed to be clear that her mat leave was hers to enjoy.

They did agree that she could take the baby for walks which her MIL adored and my friend admitted it was actually really get the baby ready and have her nice to have the house to herself or nip out to the shops.

Your husband will need to manage this but help yourself by locking doors, video bell and keeping your medical status to yourself.

The right level of support can be great so insist your husband ensures you get it, drama free.

Your DH needs to be on your side 100%. It's him who should be communicating boundaries with his mum, not you. Yes in-laws can be helpful but when they insist on their way and don't respect your parenting that when things gets tense.

When you have your baby you will have to be assertive and set clear boundaries. If MIL becomes too onerous - more than twice a week - put a stop to it. You don't want her to get used to continual popping in, staying for two hours, and monopolising baby. Decide what you find acceptable then stick to it.

Try not to worry about this now OP. This a very much a 'cross that bridge when you get there' situation. I thought I wouldn't want people round helping much before the baby arrived, but now very much wish I had a bigger support circle. Looking after a baby is incredibly hard and you will also likely want your baby to have a bond with grandparents. The only way to get a bond is to spend time together. Good luck with your TTC journey 💐❤️

this is rather hypothetical

what is she like currently about visiting?

If you don’t move, ring doorbell, lock and chain, and remember I knew many mums whose babies woke early and they’d just go out for a walk at 7 since they’d been up for a couple of hours and breakfast in cafe. Even if you’re actually at home in bed it’s a perfectly good fib!

Hi OP,

I can see there's a lot of differing advice on this thread.

I just wanted to add some solidarity with how tough the thought of these issues can be when you're struggling with TTC. I am in the same boat but with my DM, and somehow the fact that we are struggling to have a baby makes it feel even worse - I think it's the thought that, when we do hopefully finally get our baby, we will have overcome so many hurdles to get there so I can't bear the thought of things "spoiling" those early days.

I have spoken to my DH about it and I did find it helpful that we've agreed to approach everyone in the family when the time comes and say that we would like a few weeks to ourselves to get to know our baby, and after that we'll be in touch to arrange times for people to visit if they wish. We both have large extended families so it seems to make sense to make specific arrangements. I wouldn't expect to keep the grandparents waiting a few weeks to visit but I still think that we will try to set boundaries.

I know a lot of people talk about the importance of keeping the grandparents on side to help out with childcare etc. I can understand that, but I would say that no DM or MIL should be using that against you if you try to set some boundaries.

Good luck with TTC and I hope when your baby arrives that you and your DH can work together to keep MIL in line!

This!

I moved to DH hometown and we live on the next street to MIL. My DM is 100 miles away. She made similar comments during my pregnancy and DH asked family and friends for a 2 week newborn bubble to be respected, and to wait for an invite/asked for nobody to turn up unannounced.

We actually felt ready for visitors after about day 5 and she did get a bit huffy but the baby isn’t going anywhere! He’s now 2 and the novelty of visiting / babysitting has well and truly worn off! We only see her every other week now.

But totally agree that your relationship with DH needs to be super strong as it’ll be him communicating the boundaries. And agree with PP about getting a ring doorbell and keeping the door locked. I dodged many an unwanted visitor from my sofa with that!

Something that has occurred to me after having 2 DS’s (although I feel the same as you about my MIL) is that I will always be the MIL in this scenario in the future. And I would be genuinely heartbroken if my boys didnt want me to spend time with their new baby!

Set expectations from the off. We did this with my MIL - she was the same. I commented a few times and said that two days a week was acceptable 😂
Lock your front door and get a ring doorbell. If she tries to just turn up without an invite and you don't answer then she may get the hint that she needs to call first. At that point you say, not today - maybe Friday. She will soon understand she's not welcome everyday.

I think you’re being a little harsh. Would it be her first grandchild - or one close by? She’s excited too. Start now - say an hour every day between two and three, leaving her to think you’ll be using the time to have a nap. It’ll soon pale.
Wherever possible ,it’s best that every child is raised in a ‘community’. Appreciate those that’ll become part of that child’s future.

All these people saying that they wished they had this kind of support or someone who cares don’t realise that this sort of boundary stomper usually only cares about themselves. They won’t be turning up to help out they’ll be turning up to hog the baby while you bust your balls cleaning and wait on her hand and foot because it will be about what MIL wants not the new mother. If you are lucky once the novelty wears off you won’t see her again. Or worse, she’ll start to manipulate the kids to obey her every whim too.

Just.be clear that this won’t be happening whenever she mentions it: “Don’t be silly MIL, of course I could stop you from coming round every day. If you ignored me telling you not to, I just wouldn’t open the door”.

I agree with this too. My DM would come and make me a cuppa, take baby for a walk so I could shower/sleep (and she lives almost 2 hours away).

MIL would come in, say ‘make us a coffee’, sit on the sofa leaving me to sit, very painfully, on the floor, pick baby up out of his bouncer/say ‘give him here’ if I was holding him. She would also stay for 4-5 hours whereas most visitors only stayed for an hour at most in the early days.

We stopped answering the door and sometimes even the phone until we fell into a habit of weekly visits/visits when invited. That said, I suffered with PP OCD so couldn’t handle anyone touching my baby or anything the baby might touch.

Now DS is 2 and I have another DS who is 8 months old, I’m super grateful for the help so close to home. It’s important to me, now I am more rational, that my children grow up knowing how many people love and care for them

Here are a few starter replies:
Haha "Not on your Nelly"

Then, "I know you're not "that" kind of MIL....tinkling laugh...,"

Or.. "over my dead body" smile

"Do you really want us to move?" Raised eyebrow

"Not happening"

If she continues, You say sternly, No-one forces entry in my home.
I will not be receiving guests daily, & without notice. This my home, my body, our baby. I intend to choose who & when I am "at "home".

I fully understand your concern - sounds like a very good idea for your partner to set boundaries about visiting when you’re pregnant (until then just don’t worry about it as you have enough on your plate) and when baby comes firmly channel her visits into things that genuinely do help - maybe taking baby for a walk in the pram for an hour at nap time, helping with practical tasks like laundry, food prep etc. If she genuinely wants to help she should be happy to do this. If she just wants baby cuddles there’s a time and place for that and it has to suit you.

Hopefully these rules will also apply to the OP's own mother, the other grandmother, but I doubt it!

I treated my own Mum and MiL the same. Same rules applied to both.

Sound advice. When did the idea of a 'little bubble' where the outside world isn't allowed start? It may surprise its proponents but parents have managed to 'bond' with their babies since time immemorial withour isolating themselves!

I wouldn’t have wanted my MIL or my DM visiting every day after having DS

The key is your DH.
If he agrees with her or is unable to stand up to her then you have an issue

My parents were waiting outside my home when I brought my baby home from hospital. That was the start of a nightmare, on a daily basis. I was very young, I didn't set boundaries but I would definitely advise anyone who has these concerns to just be as bolshy back.
Eg MIL "I'm coming round every day and you can't stop me ".
OP "oh yes I fucking can, just watch me" 😘