Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

As I said- it's only on Mumsnet that cuddling babies is considered suspicious!

Does nobody think it's at all relevant that the OP has suddenly-after 4(?) - years imposed these new boundaries on hearing a rumour that the other woman's relationship might be rocky? Not when she moved in. Not when her own children were born.

I think you are being unreasonable on some things and very reasonable on others.
Why the hell was she coming in your home when you are not there? That to me is totally unacceptable, and on your husband to sort. On the other hand, her not being able to pick up at the house, not being able to have a good relationship with your kids, or give them a hug (one understands they are small, not 12) is really odd, and doesnt sound like a boundary, but as control. You are a pariah now, keep away. And you are surprised she took it badly? If she is a control freak, just like you, you should have known this approach was the bull in a china shop approach.

I don’t think you’re being pummelled here. There’s lots of good advice and perspectives here from people in your exact situation.

she may be annoying, but I don’t think you are in the right.

Am afraid you entered this situation. I’d have no problem with her making a fuss of my children- she will never replace you.

as you say, this has been triggered by rumours about her relationship. It sounds like you are feeling a little jealous and insecure. You probably need to address this with your husband, rather than setting ‘boundaries’.

I get it OP. You probably feel like you’re the junior member in this set up, and not in charge of your own home. But this is not the answer.

I think you needed to put some boundaries in place, but imo you went too far. Yes to her not just dropping in or insisting on staying for tea, but she isn’t even allowed to drop her kids at yours?

Really? That depends on how many times someone has been married, doesn't it? There could be three or more (ex) wives. And if someone else describes people as "first wives" (which the poster I answered did) then it is entirely appropropriate to continue the same categorisation to make the point.

Sounds like someone is doing some shit stirring - who is the person with the insider info and how do they know you and the ex?

Great post ! Much better than mine

Actually- probably more than 4 years....

Definitely one of those threads where I'd be curious to hear the other side...

I love that on this thread apparently it's a significant relationship, OPs children being her children's siblings and yet the consensus tends to be on lots of other threads that the SMs children are nothing to do with the ex. It seems to swing whichever way is seen more favourably toward the ex wife in any given situation. Hmm.

I would be a second wife now divorced, does this make me first wife no2 or am I second wife no1 😂😂

Jokes aside this ‘bitter first wife’ nonsense is always trotted out by people that present as very insecure and uncertain. Quite sad really.

As I said, I don't live with my dp so am perfectly happy for my ex to have a key. If I thought he was bringing anyone else in I would think differently but he doesn't and wouldn't (and I have a ring doorbell anyway).

I don't have dirty washing or dishes lying around anyway so not something I've ever thought about.

These things do tend to change and evolve over time. So if you do want to make some changes back you can. But nothing major. You don't need to have someone in your life stirring behind your back.

I'm assuming there's never any physical contact between you and her children either?

i think from your post, the only thing I’d have a problem with from her is letting herself in when no one’s home. That’s overstepping to me and would make me really uncomfortable.

OP, this is mumsnet, and you’re a SM, so you won’t be able to do right for most of these posters.

YANBU, in fact it’s amazing you tolerated the setup for so long. Basically the ex is allowed to move on but your DH isn’t? For some people, once a relationship is over where there was controlling or poor behaviour or infidelity for example, the kids are all that is left to exercise a bit of control.

Ex wife is sufficient and wife for the current wife

I 100% agree with you putting in boundaries .. you will snared on here for being a step mum .. but coming from a similar position you need to ensure it's your home and whilst she is the children's mum she has no rights for coming and going in your home. Drop off and pick ups are more than suffice given the circumstances..

I think you're overlooking the importance of your stepchildren's need to have a good relationship with all the adults in the blended family. Try and see this from their point of view, and consider how this may feel for them. However much you feel uncomfortable about it, you and your DH still need to have a reasonably amicable relationship with their mother so that they don't feel that they're caught in the crossfire.

Yes, she needs to adjust her boundaries and letting herself into your home is intrusive and I can understand how uncomfortable that is for you. Asking for that to stop is entirely reasonable. But insisting on changing the drop off and pick up arrangements must be difficult for them. It could well seem to them that you are a destabilising element and they may resent you for that. I think it's especially sensitive when they have a new half-sibling, and resentment could easily spill over into resenting the little one.

I have been a stepmother, and I know from experience that having a good relationship with your stepchildren makes things much more harmonious for everyone, including you. The interests of the children - all the children - must come first.

Try to get back on friendly terms with the ex.
It should be fine for her to call in when she drops off the kids.

Ask your husband to relax the rules with the excuse that you are more confident with your baby now that it is older, had it's shots etc.

Boundaries that stop things that really upset you should be maintained. ie All guests should knock and phone before coming over.
Compromise.

@Spirallingdownwards

I'm both ex wife and new wife actually.

My DH and his wife split up a long time ago. I have adult dsc and to be honest I like my DH ex wife better than the kids!

There gave been numerous events where I've been very very grateful to her for including me. (Graduations, engagements weddings etc) it was her who insisted I was on top table for example.

I'm secure in my relationship.

Recently one our our grandkids (my step grandkids) has been very ill & it's been so so so wonderful that we can all be supportive together.

Rather than having to hover outside doors.

Equally she's lovely to my daughter.

She's Not overly familiar (I mean she would
Never let herself in) - no need now obvs but she just wouldn't.

As for my ex. Well we don't see him and he doesn't see his children. Abusive arse. Weird as his girlfriend was lovely.

It takes all sorts.

In my opinion it comes down to security.
My husband loves & prioritises me, I've no need to create weird little rules to satisfy myself I'm the main woman.

I just am in his and my kids life.
But
I'm respectful to my dsc mother as she is to me. It makes for a harmonious life.

Some people like OP and presumably you, live off drama.

I couldn't be bothered with all that drama -

shudders.

YABU for sure. The whole post is essentially that you're insecure and so you've ruined a perfectly good coparenting relationship. At no point have you spoken about what is best for the children in this situation, which I suspect is because you know that what is best for the children would be maintaining a good relationship with their mum.

I really don't understand what your problem was tbh, she was friendly, welcoming, happy to have you in her kids lives and happy and loving towards your child. Many step parents would kill for that welcoming from the ex. But instead you've blown it all up, and for what?

I think you need to understand that this woman isn't just an ex, she's the mother of your partners children. She will always be in his life (at least while the kids are still kids)

You've destroyed what could have been a great blended family and coparenting relationship.

I think you are right! There should be strict boundaries. As soon as you and your dp lived together then she should be stopping at the front door. This could change over the next few years and that is fine too. One day you may want to invite her in, but only when she knows her place!!
Perhaps she is just jealous.

People are ignoring the fact that the previous arrangements were in place for 4/5 years......

How did you go about it? Did you/partner actually tell her these new rules?

I would have just slowly stopped inviting her in. Def changed the locks. Bit bemused why holding baby would be an issue tbh. Not sure why she had to stop coming to your house for pick ups and drop offs - that is a bit too controlling