Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

Come on now. Just stop it.

I think you've replied to the wrong post there, @Tiddlypomtiddlypom is one of the more sensible posters on this thread

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom one horrid divorce, but he's unmarried & we have no contact. So not triggered. Just think kids come first. Not dads gf. 👍🏻

You are perfectly entitled to keep SC's mum at arm's length. The drop off & collection routine is one used by many shared parents. You made an error in allowing her into your home, access to your children etc, but no doubt this was done to help your SC. With women like your partner's ex there will also be something to push against. You need to totally break off contact with her, block her on your phone/social media and ensure all contact is with your partner. If your partner finds it difficult to stand up to her, he needs to give his head a shake. Your and your children's happiness is paramount.

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom as a first ex wife I'm hoping to balance out some of the nutter comments from my cohort. It seems not all first wives are nuts but many of the nutty ones are on Aibu spouting this horseshit it would appear

It's bad shit crazy people are blaming op for "derailing" a "perfectly good co parenting" situation 🙄

Can you imagine if mum had posted this that she wanted to put some boundaries in place with her ex and him randomly popping in for a cup of tea and a squeeze of the baby (that isn't related to him at all).

People would be telling the op to get a restraining order 😅 but since is a sm 🙄

I haven’t as you well know.

@beachcitygirl but this isn't really about the kids is it ?

Because if my ex said this to me, I would be like ok no worries. Not slagging of a women who I used to say I was grateful for having around my dc and using my kids to do it and kick off.

Also the thought of my ex having a key gives me the ick so I wouldn't expect it in reverse either tbh.

I agree. And someone should tell the ex wife, who is now being merrily abusive about the dad’s current partner because they tried to assert some boundaries.

Asking an ex-wife to not let herself into their home < being abusive about the children’s stepmother because she had the audacity to draw some lines in the sand.

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Just an observation that if she can cheat on her husband and upend her childrens lives then she is a liar, she is sneaky, she is disloyal. So is it so shocking that OP would not want a person of such low character inviting herself into her home?
It doesn't sound much like the guy was "happy" about it so much as felt he was stuck with it and now his current partner, OP, deserves for him to be loyal to her and show a bit of backbone which he has done.
The toxicity was brought entirely by the ex dragging the kids into it and tantrumming now that she is no longer getting her own way. Boo fucking hoo.

Did you know you can be secure and have boundaries?

The ex is banned completely from dropping her DC off at the house, her ex has to come drop the children off at hers or pick them up. She could be really vindictive and ban the ex from coming to her property but that would be harmful to the dc. Has she done anything that terrible to warrant that? It's weird dropping in for a cup of tea but not that strange to ban all together , how damaging to the DC that their mother is banned from dropping them off.
It creates loads of drama , just say oh I'm busy just drop off at the door. All of them sound like teenagers instead of adults.

Nastiness is not verve, unless it is enthusiastic nastiness 🙄

I think you've been unreasonable. It's entirely possible she did a lot of small unreasonable actions that pushed you to this point (that you haven't shared with us), but you've lost whatever moral high ground you had.

I'd expect her to be able to have a quick cuppa and/or use the toilet whilst making a pick-up and waiting for the kids to pack anything they had forgotten. I'm talking a maximum of 30 minutes (not timed!) rather than a four-hour gossip session (that would be intrusive). I'm also talking about limiting her movement in your house to, say, the downstairs loo (if you have that sort of layout) and the kitchen rather than tramping all over the property into every room you have (it is your home and some things do need to be off-limits for you to feel comfortable).

I'd also expect her to be friendly with your kids. Do you not think it's weird that you spend time with her children and your children, but she isn't allowed to spend time with your children?

The kids are all related to each other, so it makes sense they would get to know each other's parents/the new partners of each other's parents, if relevant.

She shouldn't enter your home when you're not here. That was a reasonable ask. Do you have a key to her home?

I think it's fair to say you wanted some boundaries in place, but unfortunately, you think you went a bit too far, and you think you should discuss adjusting those boundaries. It might still be possible to walk this back, have some boundaries in place, and repair that positive co-parenting relationship.

It's likely DH will have to be the one to have that conversation, though, and he doesn't sound the type to really want to have it.

"A person of such low character"?

We've only heard the story from the POV of the partner of the man who was apparently cheated on. People re-write history all the time, and there are always extra details that get left out.

I don't condone cheating. And I know the pain of being cheated on. But I think it's unfair and irrelevant to judge this woman for why her relationship with her ex broke down.

I wouldn't want someone entering my home when I wasn't there, even if they were a person of the finest moral fibre. It just feels intrusive. Entering when I was, for a quick cuppa? I don't see the need for drama. They're not rifling through my underwear drawer; they're just having a brew for the road.

‘Silly young woman…’

My, how far we’ve come.

@beachcitygirl You said that secure women are civil and friendly with the ex.

I completely disagree. Having boundaries with an ex who clearly does not understand boundaries does not mean a woman is insecure. Sometimes the ex just doesn't have the kind of personality to be friendly with (as in controlling and abusive). Civil is doable but friendly is not always wise or possible.

I agree, I just thought that seeing as it's apparently fair enough to annihilate OPs character based on very little information I'd return fire in the direction of the ex.
If OP is bad for wanting clear boundaries then ex is bad for cheating and also for still thinking she can waltz in and out of OPs home uninvited.
This painting her as a paragon of virtue with "healthy" relationships is just laughable.

Well. That rapidly went to shit, dinnit?

More holes upthread than in the A1.

I think, as usual, with this being AIBU, most posters have been excessively batshit.

The ex isn't wrong to want to maintain friendly relations (including with her children's step-siblings), and the OP isn't wrong to want some firmer boundaries in place so she doesn't feel like the interloper in her own home.

The problem is in how strict the boundaries have been, thus causing a total breakdown of relations. It didn't really necessitate 18 pages of people shouting at each other and MN mods then needing to delete things.