AIBU to go to wedding as a named invitee yet slightly glorified plus one

[countrywalks1]

DH and I have been invited to DH's old schoolfriend's (let's call him George) wedding this summer.

Background is we've known George for years, he now works as a teacher in Asia but before he moved out there would see him a couple of times a year - usually hosting a party with his now ex, but basically as a couple we always got on surprisingly well with George. My DH's parents are semi close to George's parents, it's that kind of vibe.

We invited him to our wedding last year but he couldn't make it for work. We were subsequently invited (both our names on the invite) to George's wedding, but we didn't initially commit because it was looking to be quite expensive as a European destination wedding.

This spring we went over to visit the country George works in and stopped off with him for a weekend - it was honestly so nice to catch up and I really got on with George's fiancee too so DH and I decided to commit and go to the wedding.

We have arranged everything - annual leave (a pain to get in our jobs), flights, hotels, transfer etc.

HOWEVER - DH has recently failed a professional exam on a repeat attempt. There is an attemt limit so he's got to be cautious, the next exam date is 2 weeks after the wedding so he's considering not going to the wedding to spend the time prepping.

My question is whether it would be weird for me to go without him? I appreciate in essence George is DH's long time friend, and I imagine I'm invited as a plus one in that context seeing as we're married. BUT I have known George for about 10 years now, have always got on with him and I REALLY like his fiancée in the sense that we could easily be best friends if she lived in the UK. Also I'll know some of DHs/George's shared friends who are also invited (again been a while since I've met up with them but would be nice to catch up).

Basically I was quite looking forward to the trip/wedding as I think it'll be great, and we've paid for it, but I don't know whether it would be weird to go by myself when I suppose on paper I might not seem as close to the couple as the other guests? Advice much appreciated people

Unfortunately it's the norm in many professions that study does indeed take up all of your free time in the run up to exams. It certainly is in my profession (I'm an actuary) and it was for my friends who are solicitors. Those kinds of jobs don't leave much time for study, never mind study plus a social life. I can only assume it's even worse for a junior doctor.

The more I think of it the more limited resit attempts is bringing me out in a cold sweat.

I have been to three wedding overseas without DH, two were relatives and one was a friend. Due to his job he just couldn’t get time off. It was a miracle I was allowed to go to one as it was exam results day but I somehow managed to charm the head of dept.

I spent years studying for professional exams, you just don’t have a life.

I voted YABU because I think that he should go. He needs to get better at time and lesuire management. Otherwise he could end up burning out quickly.

Of course you can go. Not odd at all. It's been enough years, he's your friend too now. You will also be representing your DH.

Hope his exam goes ok. I think in those circumstances his friend will totally understand him prioritising his exam.

I have sat many professional exams while working full time - granted, I'm not a doctor - but during my professional exam days my typical working hours were 9am - 10pm (longer if there was an imminent work deadline). It's a question of time management and attending a wedding two weeks prior will not cause her husband to fail.

Some people can only revise last minute though and maybe OP's husband is one of those (I revise like that), but that might be the reason he failed in the first place.

I'm surprised at some of the posts here. OP has said there's a limit on repeating the exams so this is really important.

I got married years ago when the bride and groom had less say in the guest list .. we invited the adult son of a friend of my inlaws. He accepted the invitation but on the day didn't come but sent his girlfriend and her son who we had never met. And who my inlaws had never met.
That's weird isn't it?

Anyway, i think you dh should go the wedding and then go home and study afterwards.

It's all the people who have never supported someone through professional exams and think it's just like taking your GDPR tests every year, I think.

This. I wouldn’t go either if I was the husband.

@GoodChat i think you are right. I did my professional exams and sat one several times. I was lucky there was no limit on resits but had there been, id have been declining any invite! You can get kicked off big training schemes for this kind of thing. Who wants to risk that?

Op should go in his place/represent him so to speak but i completely understand how the husband might need to prioritise the exams.

Wouldn't be at all weird. If it were my wedding, I'd be touched you made the effort.

I don't see anything wrong with you going on your own, presuming you confirm your changed rsvp of course.

But it is weird that your husband wants to skip the wedding to study. If his performance is so borderline that one day of study would make that much of a difference, he should be looking to delay the exam until he's properly prepared, not risking blowing his attempt when he's not ready.

It’s lovely for those who can pass exams with flying colours, still enjoy a social life and have excellent time management skills. It’s really not the same for everybody, for multitudes of reasons. I

It’s great that your husband recognises his limits and I admire that you’ve been so understanding in his decision not to go, obviously by the vibe of this thread, not many would!

Honestly, best of luck to you both, some gruelling months ahead and I’m sure hes beyond disappointed.

Would be interested to understand what the people who have voted weird think is weird about it.

You were invited, you can attend. Not weird at all.

Because OP is invited as a plus one. Not a stand alone guest.

But OP isn't some random that the B&G have never met- they clearly know the groom (OP has stayed in his home), and are named on the invite.

I don't see what's weird at all.

She wasn’t though- that’s just what she’s called herself. She’s a named guest.

But she's only invited because of her DH. Would she get an invite if she split with her DH? If yes, fair enough, go.

But the fact she's asking this question says they're not close enough. If they were, it wouldn't even be discussed, she'd be going no problem.

Couldn't agree more Anycrispsleft.

I cannot understand why people think you shouldn't go OP. Absolutely go. The couple sound great, it will be fun and you are out of your DH's hair. Leave the freezer stocked and buzz off with a clear conscience.

The only reason I would say not to go is if you weren't going to be self sufficient and were expecting the wedding party to "look after you" as you are solo. But you sound more than capable of joining in and having a good time by yourself.

Also - not sure if anyone has mentioned it - but you will be able to update your DH, keep him included with videos or a quick FaceTime with the couple if it's convenient etc, so he can still be a part of the fun from a distance, which wouldn't be an option if you weren't there!

I think George would be really happy you still made the effort and you'd be totally welcome BUT it would make your OH look even worse for not showing up! If both of you aren't there it draws less attention to the fact he has bailed!

George wasn't able to attend the Op's wedding because of work so I am guessing he'd be understanding of the Op's husbands situation.

Yes, you go and your husband should stay home and study. He'll be insanely stressed otherwise and unable to enjoy himself. Nothing weird at all about you representing the two of you. Have fun!

His exams are more important than the wedding. Given he’s failed previously he needs to be in the right headspace, and he wont enjoy it fretting that’s he’s missed revision time.

Absolutely fine for you to go alone though.

if you split up with your OH would you have gotten an invite to you? If so go if not no. Your OH should go though the exam is 2 weeks ago and he could actually do the sitting after if he needs that much prep time.

You absolutely should go! And enjoy it! I think it would look bad if neither of you went so you can fly the flag so to speak and have a great time in the process.

How committed is your husband to actually passing this exam? I say this because you mention that a few weeks out from a re-sit, he was intending to do one hour of revision a day. This is absolutely bonkers. I'm in a different field (psychology) but coming up to exams you literally become a hermit. It is all-consuming, painful, hard, stressful and a pain in the arse. Contemplating 'maybe' spending an hour a day before having to repeat a crucial exam sounds like he is either a. completely unmotivated or b. entirely unrealistic about the hard graft that is required when it comes to the really important stuff. Does he understand how important this is and is he prepared to put in the work required?