AIBU to go to wedding as a named invitee yet slightly glorified plus one

[countrywalks1]

DH and I have been invited to DH's old schoolfriend's (let's call him George) wedding this summer.

Background is we've known George for years, he now works as a teacher in Asia but before he moved out there would see him a couple of times a year - usually hosting a party with his now ex, but basically as a couple we always got on surprisingly well with George. My DH's parents are semi close to George's parents, it's that kind of vibe.

We invited him to our wedding last year but he couldn't make it for work. We were subsequently invited (both our names on the invite) to George's wedding, but we didn't initially commit because it was looking to be quite expensive as a European destination wedding.

This spring we went over to visit the country George works in and stopped off with him for a weekend - it was honestly so nice to catch up and I really got on with George's fiancee too so DH and I decided to commit and go to the wedding.

We have arranged everything - annual leave (a pain to get in our jobs), flights, hotels, transfer etc.

HOWEVER - DH has recently failed a professional exam on a repeat attempt. There is an attemt limit so he's got to be cautious, the next exam date is 2 weeks after the wedding so he's considering not going to the wedding to spend the time prepping.

My question is whether it would be weird for me to go without him? I appreciate in essence George is DH's long time friend, and I imagine I'm invited as a plus one in that context seeing as we're married. BUT I have known George for about 10 years now, have always got on with him and I REALLY like his fiancée in the sense that we could easily be best friends if she lived in the UK. Also I'll know some of DHs/George's shared friends who are also invited (again been a while since I've met up with them but would be nice to catch up).

Basically I was quite looking forward to the trip/wedding as I think it'll be great, and we've paid for it, but I don't know whether it would be weird to go by myself when I suppose on paper I might not seem as close to the couple as the other guests? Advice much appreciated people

He can revise up to the day before and after the wedding day, surely- revise on the plane, at the hotel?

I think you should both go.

Course you can go alone.

And if he is worried he shouldn’t go. Even if he has studied enough, the stress for him of going may have a psychological impact and affect his exam performance. Maybe he just does not need that pressure right now. Everyone copes differently and a lot is at stake.

Let him decide. And you accept the invite.

Don't be silly. This isn't a competition.

As someone who has passed and failed professional exams, I think he needs to study. It is a tremendous amount of pressure and his whole career may depend on it.

Speak to George and his partner and explain. If they are uncomfortable, neither of you go.

Not weird at all. They’re your friends too! Just go for it and have fun! Having said that, it would probably do your DH good to go too, he can’t study 24/7 and could take his studying with him to look at on the journey.

I don't think your DH is being ridiculous- professional exams are no joke!

It sounds like you are friends with him too. I'd go, do you have a friend you can bring? I'm wondering if George has already paid for two guests, you could ask him if you could bring someone else? This happened to my friend at my wedding. Her DH couldn't make it last min, so I told her to please bring her friend in his place, as the thought of her being alone all day horrified me lol. I'd already paid for both at that point so would've been a waste not to.

Of course DH needs to stay home and study. I come from a household of professional exam takers (law, accountancy and PhD). I could sit on the plane and do ordinary work during the course but two weeks before my viva there was no way I’d be sitting on a plane. Fill up the freezer with home cooked meals for DH while you are away.

No not weird , you know them/him well. Also there are times when someone represents someone else who can't make it (weddings /funerals) and that's a nice thing to do .

I'd be hurt if an old friend didn't understand my studies. Fortunately during the years I was studying my friends fully understood why I wouldn't be doing much in the month leading up to exams.

It wouldn’t be weird for you to go on your own, but I’d consider seriously how you deliver the message to George that DH isn’t attending. Whilst I accept it’s important, not attending because of an exam 2 weeks later might not go down very well. I’m very laid back and some people didn’t attend our wedding for various reasons (holidays, work stuff already booked), and that’s fine, but the exam thing almost sounds like an excuse.

I think your DH should go too. If he works really hard studying between now and the wedding and afterwards, the break may actually do him some good and take away the anxiety and stress, even if just for 48hrs.
I wouldn’t imagine he’ll get much studying done if he knows you’re at his friends wedding.
It’s much better to have a break.

As someone who sat many professional exams and failed and retook some, if I was your husband id go too. Just be more organised with studying and plan around it. It’s a retake so he’ll already have some knowledge.

One thing I found, spending 7 years sitting professional exams, is that life can’t be put on hold for them and it’s much healthier to not give up your life for them. I also found those exams that I was more chill about in terms of preparation etc. I passed because o was more relaxed and forced to be more efficient with my study.

In my experience it can be easier to go on holiday and study for several hours a day, with downtime around that, than to go to work, come home and study in the evening. Go to the wedding, don't drink too much and study for half a day on days you are out there.

The Ops husband hasn't asked for MN advice about his exams.
The Op wants to know whether she should go alone.
I would.

I don't think it's weird as you've known George for a long time. I agree with the other posters who have said to let him know your DH can't make it but you still intend to come. It allows them to pass the invite onto someone else should they wish to.

@SpringIntoChaos there's absolutely nothing wrong with someone travelling alone. Or going to a wedding alone. But she's essentially his plus one, so that's the bit that's weird. Yes she's met the groom loads over the years, but he's her DH's mate. If she wasn't with DH would she be invited?

I get on really well with lots of my friend's partners, but if my friend couldn't make my wedding in Al honestly I would think it was a bit weird if their partner came on their own.

I can understand it affecting it a little bit in the lead up to exams etc but frankly they shouldn't be consuming all his free time. If they are then there's an issue.

I would go of I was him . He can prep on holiday. Revising somewhere lovely is more relaxing he only needs to take off one day for the actual wedding. Revise on the plane

Unfortunately the time for your DH to cram for his exams has well and truly passed, he should have done that ages ago. He isn't missing the wedding because of a professional exam, he is missing it because he didn't put the effort in when it was needed. That's an incredibly lame and rude reason to miss a best friends wedding. He needs to go to the wedding and work all hours around that to cram for the resit.

Pressed too soon ... If he's adament he's not going. Then just go yourself. It's not weird.

Thanks for all the replies! It has made me realise I am probably overthinking.

Yes DH is a junior doctor (good guess guys) - exams rule his life for the next year and he has to pass them all in a short space of time or his career progression can be held back. I know he's stressed which is why I'm not putting any pressure on him, and we keep talking so we stay on top of things emotionally, hence why having this dilemma.

I do agree with various posters that DH should time manage more effectively, but he has always been bad at it for as long as I've known him. I realised long ago that it's not my job to be his teacher so I leave it up to him how he studies. In actual fact I think this plan of his to not attend the wedding is sensible because the last exam attempt was a few weeks after the big Asia trip when we visited George, where DH said he'd do an hour of revision each day/on plane but obvs didn't.

I do also see other posters point re DH disappointing George - I suppose that was why I wanted to go to represent in a way, but also I feel George wouldn't mind too much (he's very easy going). And then the other thing is wedding logistics - if DH does decide to not attend then I want to tell George and his fiancée early in case then can invite someone else (presuming the space is already catered for now).

Anyway thanks guys. I feel enough people have said I should go to validate my thoughts on this :D

I think it’s fine me to go on your own, and it sounds like you know the couple well enough.

How do you know who has sat professional exams and who has not? I also think her husband is being ridiculous and I have sat professional exams. I probably would not book my annual holiday two weeks before professional exams, but I would attend a wedding, yes even an overseas one.

You should both go if possible! Otherwise, I would go on my own, no problem

Some people don't seem to realise how intense some exams can be. Two weeks is way too close for an important pivotal professional exam. For the last exam I ever wrote (medical specialising final) I didn't have a social life for six months. I would not have dreamed of going out, even to lunch, within many weeks of the exam.