AIBU to go to wedding as a named invitee yet slightly glorified plus one

[countrywalks1]

DH and I have been invited to DH's old schoolfriend's (let's call him George) wedding this summer.

Background is we've known George for years, he now works as a teacher in Asia but before he moved out there would see him a couple of times a year - usually hosting a party with his now ex, but basically as a couple we always got on surprisingly well with George. My DH's parents are semi close to George's parents, it's that kind of vibe.

We invited him to our wedding last year but he couldn't make it for work. We were subsequently invited (both our names on the invite) to George's wedding, but we didn't initially commit because it was looking to be quite expensive as a European destination wedding.

This spring we went over to visit the country George works in and stopped off with him for a weekend - it was honestly so nice to catch up and I really got on with George's fiancee too so DH and I decided to commit and go to the wedding.

We have arranged everything - annual leave (a pain to get in our jobs), flights, hotels, transfer etc.

HOWEVER - DH has recently failed a professional exam on a repeat attempt. There is an attemt limit so he's got to be cautious, the next exam date is 2 weeks after the wedding so he's considering not going to the wedding to spend the time prepping.

My question is whether it would be weird for me to go without him? I appreciate in essence George is DH's long time friend, and I imagine I'm invited as a plus one in that context seeing as we're married. BUT I have known George for about 10 years now, have always got on with him and I REALLY like his fiancée in the sense that we could easily be best friends if she lived in the UK. Also I'll know some of DHs/George's shared friends who are also invited (again been a while since I've met up with them but would be nice to catch up).

Basically I was quite looking forward to the trip/wedding as I think it'll be great, and we've paid for it, but I don't know whether it would be weird to go by myself when I suppose on paper I might not seem as close to the couple as the other guests? Advice much appreciated people

I agree with PP. There is a reason why he's not passing the exam. He needs more time and possibly some professional coaching. Put off the exam to the next resit and problem solved with the wedding.

You both chose to go even with the expense and hassle of it being a destination wedding and George not having been able to make it to yours for simply work. I think DH must be pretty damn stressed to be thinking of pulling out now so don't know why he's getting such a hard time. I think one of you going shows that you haven't dropped them or think less of them. If George is a half decent friend he will understand.

Don't be ridiculous!

Don't be ridiculous!

I can't believe some of the posters on here! What's weird is that you think a woman going to a wedding on her own is 'weird'. It isn't!! 🤦‍♀️

I think it's fine for your to go alone but I agree with others re your DH, I have a professional exam TODAY and went to a wedding this weekend, I revised Saturday morning and Sunday evening, the rest of the weekend was a write off but I just planned it into my study 'plan' in advance.

No, it wouldn't be weird for you to go without him, especially since you originally planned to go together and already bought the tickets.

Sorry this should say, minus the wedding not exam. I’m going through the same with having very recently failed a 2nd attempt (thankfully no weddings imminent but have missed important events in the run up to the two prior sittings which feels futile now).

Also find it’s something we don’t really talk about despite it having such a visceral affect on those that go through it. Most of us have had years/decades of exam success to even get to this point but that makes the pressure all the more intense to get through. I think I’d benefit from talking to others in this position.

Do whatever you feel is right for you as a couple OP. If this was my spouse, I would 100% want them to go. I presume you’ve spoken to your DH about it ? He probably just needs support at the moment , it’s all still very raw.

Absolutely fine for you to go - after that long, they're your friends too.

Completely get the professional exams thing - the ones I did didn't have capped attempts, so I probably would've gone (I did go to my best friend's wedding a couple of weeks before my biggest), but capped attempts changes everything. And even without capped attempts, and with a decision to go slowly through the exams so I would have time to have a life while studying, I still missed plenty. It's the nature of the beast.

My suggestion was going to be to tell get some extra annual leave in the run up to use as study, but if he's a doctor presumably that won't work.

I would 100% go, not weird at all. Sure everyone you know would be pleased to see you.

It's not just a professional exam, it's one with a limited number of retakes. Certainly I can see the sense of what some posters have said about delaying it further but assuming your DH knows what he is doing and this is the right time to take this exam then I would support him in doing as much study as he wants until it's over. And if you want to go to the wedding, definitely go! You have plenty of people there you know, you're friends with George and you got on well with his fiancee.

(I'm still totally gobsmacked about so many people telling your DH to sack off the studying. Why would you risk it? And just for a wedding? It's not even like either of them are top table guests that can't be replaced. Imagine if he fails the exam again and can't retake for x years? He'll always be wondering if ut might not have been that wedding.)

What are you talking about?

If he fails the resits it could destroy a career hes spent years building.

Your DH should go to the wedding. What's the exam?

Why would it be weird to go to the wedding of a marital friend you’ve known for 10 years who you get on well with and who invited you?

Weird that so many people are heaping scorn on the OPs partner for not going. If this is the last attempt he gets at an exam he has failed twice, and he needs it for his job, then of course he needs to take it seriously. Failing something like that can change the course of your life and throw many year's work down the drain. Professional exams can be brutal, they require a lot of preparation. Not worth pissing about for the wedding of someone he sees a couple of times a year, and a fiancée he has met once.

As for you, no reason you can't go. You've been invited.

What’s weird is your H flapping that a 12 hour wedding is going to somehow annihilate his chances, two weeks before an exam. He’s already failed twice, there’s clearly something else going on. Go to the wedding. Both of you.

It may not be a doctor. If you fail SQE 3 times you can't take it again for another 6 years. You have limited time to access the course online so a 3rd fail can indeed be catastrophic. Your DH has to make the call that is right for him. But yes go and have fun and indeed it may help DH to be hone alone to study too.

How long will you be away for op? If it’s just a couple of days surely it won’t make any difference two weeks before the exam? Probably do him good.

If he genuinely is struggling so hard he can’t travel two weeks before the wedding, and even use his travel and non wedding times to study then I’m afraid I don’t think he stands a chance.

Not weird at all.

I think MN is a bad place to ask this question because a disproportionate number of people are introverted or shy and this would be their idea of hell, but that’s not you, op, so go for it.

Not weird, go and enjoy! Life is too short

I think you should go. As to the professional exams and whether a day’s study being lost will
impact, I think it rather depends on whether your husband feels it was a lack of knowledge or poor technique that caused the failure.

I'd be really hurt if an old friend wouldn't come to my wedding, because they were revising for an exam, two weeks away.

Does your husband have to use this date for the exam? Can he opt for a later one instead?

Go to the wedding and have a lovely time but check with George first if it is OK and give him the opportunity to substitute you both with another couple or offer to pay for DH's dinner/place.

Secondly, give your dh all the space he needs for revision and prep. For those saying the exam(s) should take second place, you are being absurd. Professional exams are very hard and the commitment to get to the end is exceptional and so are the sunk costs in the context of time, money and emotions. DH did them (law), DD's bf is coming to the end and it's all encompassing and he is both organised and driven (accountancy). If he had to do a retake, he would be focusing on it 110% not buzzing off to a destination wedding.

I don't think it would be weird at all. You know them, you're invited, you want to go, you've booked the holiday. I think you're over thinking it!