Will children ever be invited to weddings again

[georgianwindow]

We have been invited to quite a few weddings in the last 12 months - seven of them. All of them have been child free. The postman has just been, with another invitation arriving, also adding to the child free wedding invitation pile.
We have a 5 year old and are expecting a baby in 2 months time. Two of the recent invitations have said that we can bring the little one but not the eldest. The ones that do not welcome the baby have been declined because we can not leave such a young baby.
We don't have childcare options readily available to us and have to drive a 2 hour round trip for this.

I have done a couple of the weddings on my own, and DH has as well (and the other of us has stayed at home) but this isn't particularly enjoyable for the one of us that goes to the wedding.

I understand that everyone can make their own decision regarding their weddings but it really it a shame missing out on events because of this, especially when in most circumstances, the bride & groom have children themselves so know how tricky childcare can be. It is the decision of the bride and groom for their wedding day, it does just mean that some guests will decline attending, or attend but possibly not stay for the reception.

Light hearted thread but will children ever be invited to weddings again! We had them at ours and many of them brightened up the day, making people laugh or getting involved, there were no issues regarding behaviour of children and parents were sensible with keeping them occupied during the ceremony. I can't remember the last time I received a wedding invitation that didn't cause some level of stress.

To me the tone and the way she wrote it came across as aggressive

You must be easily offended then. In fact your response was more aggressive imo

You don't think this is aggressive

"Either way, the bride and groom know where you stand with them when you decline due to the kids. And you’re getting moved to the ‘used to be friends’ list."

It's an honest response that I'll agree with but I think that sentiment is aggressive. So I'm not entitled to me opinion then.

You are entitled to your opinion! Weird that my response from a different culture is aggressive to you.

No I don’t. I don’t think B&G should be made to feel bad about who they invite to their own wedding.

And if parents went into a strop about me not inviting their kids because I wanted to use the spots (nothing to do with money, but capacity) for people who are regularly in my life, then I likely would look on the friendship differently

This is genuinely the case for some people, especially if going to the wedding involves an overnight stay in a hotel. Not everyone is comfortable about leaving their DC overnight. Or there may not be anyone willing to look after their DC overnight.

Plus, for a lot of people the grandparents are their regular childcare provider, or their sister. In the case of a family wedding, they’ll be wedding guests themselves.

Nothing about your culture. It’s about you calling someone a horrible person for having an opinion different to yours

I think it's always been normal not to invite children outside of close family. I'd be very surprised if I got a wedding invitation from a friend that included my children. I'd appreciate the gesture but definitely wouldn't bring them anyway, we live in Ireland where weddings generally start between 12-1pm and the night doesn't end until 6am. Just wouldn't be possible to enjoy the event with young children.

We just had nieces and nephews at our wedding (all 19 of them), wouldn't have considered not inviting them and they had a great time, never left the dance floor.

in my my culture we have kids at weddings, I find it really odd when they’re banned.

@Womencanlift nope, its not that I can't see the POV of a child free wedding.
I can't understand someone willing to end a friendship because friends could not attend their wedding due to childcare issues. THAT I find self-indulgent and horrid. A wedding is really just an event but to end/discard a friendship because you a guest couldn't attend due to childcare issues I cannot comprehend. So you think this is ok then?
Just to clarify my point - child free weddings are different from my culture but I can understand it. Discarding friendships because someone chose their kids (unable to attend due to childcare issues ) that I don't think is ok.

And for all your talk about understanding a different opinion it's ironic that you can't see the perspective of someone with children who can't get childcare. You're set only in your own viewpoint.

Weddings are just not spaces for children in my opinion! They have to be quiet and sit still during the ceremony, not run around during photos and then sit still and eat their (very expensive) dinner! Then they’ll get tired and want to go to bed! It’s just not worth it - I understand children coming for the first part of the reception but to bring children to a whole wedding isn’t fair I think! I totally understand child free weddings and it’s totally your choice if you choose not to come - but I would suggest sorting childcare and coming! It’s a nice night for you and your partner to enjoy together. Sometimes it’s nice to enjoy an adult night even when the kids are small x

Where did I mention childcare?

But since that is the angle you are taking, if they said “thank you for the invite but unfortunately I cannot get childcare so cannot attend” that is absolutely fine and very different and to “why are my kids not invited as we only come in a unit” and stamping their feet about unfair it is.

That would be the type of response and attitude that I wouldn’t welcome, like the pp who admitted that years later she still resents a bride for not inviting her children

Mine too, and we also invite everyone we know so often 1-2,000 people which often the bride and groom don't even know. Its more about community than the couple which isn't a bad thing just not my thing (for a wedding). Instead I had a small wedding of 150 at a vineyard, no children. Everyone loved it. Cousins threw a tantrum at first because kids weren't invited, got over it and had a blast. Wouldn't change a thing!

There's a big difference between the view someone might express on here, anonymously, and what they might say openly in responding to an invitation.

It's perfectly possible to decline politely with a “thank you for the invite but unfortunately I cannot get childcare so cannot attend" and to resent the lack of an invitation to children years later.

Incidentally, if the PP you're talking about is the one I'm thinking of, they didn't actually say that they resented the individual bride for not inviting her kids. It was more that she resented the fact that she had missed multiple weddings due to their being child free. She was frustrated with the situation not angry with the individual couples for the invitation policy.

Personally, I think people should be free to invite anyone they want and have the kind of event they choose to have. I have no problem with friends who choose to have small register office weddings, child free weddings or three day long events for all the family. When people have invited me and not the kids, or when people declined an invitation to my own wedding, they didn't get moved to the ex-friends list.*

But in my case, I'd always choose a relaxed family day in a marquee of village hall with whole families involved over an adult-only party night.

*I have no such list. Just friends I haven't seen recently!

Weddings have gone up so much in cost since I got married 15 years ago. I did have kids at my wedding (14 of them I think) but if my venue was now charging me £100 per plate instead of £30 would I still invite kids? Not sure if I would, with maybe the exception of niece's and nephews. Having taken the children to weddings and also attended kid free weddings I find that, as a guest, kid free weddings are way better anyway.

@Womencanlift I'm repeatedly referencing what the PP said which you insist on ignoring and twisting what I say. She states if you decline due to the kids then you're moved to the used to be friends list. So if someone isn't can't find childcare and declined the invite she writes them off which I think is not the right way to treat someone.

"If this friend or family member means so little to you that you aren’t excited about celebrating them, then please rsvp no. It may have been a courtesy invite. Or it may have been a last olive branch. Either way, the bride and groom know where you stand with them when you decline due to the kids. And you’re getting moved to the ‘used to be friends’ list. "

We had only children who were directly related to us invited - my sister and my first cousins who were all 8+ at the time - extended family’s children and children of friends were categorically not invited, even babes in arms.

1- it’s our wedding to do what we choose

2- I had several miscarriages before the wedding and did not want to have to be around our friends small children on my wedding day - some of them had babies which were born around our due date/s (not their fault I know and I adore their children but didn’t want to be reminded of that on my wedding day)

3- it would have meant something like 40 children at our wedding, as we both have huge families… once you had cousins children etc coming it was ridiculous so it was an easy way to keep the cost down.

4- I now have children and am never offended at a child free wedding. I want to get dressed up and enjoy the day without having to chase around after a hangry toddler and probably get biscuit wiped on my shoulder. We have to go home earlier in the evening but that’s fine

And I always thought making a fuss about your children not being invited to someone else’s wedding a bit selfish on a day that’s not about you. The non invite isn’t personal

Yep, your wedding, your day. I get it.

BUT I do feel we are living in a world where mothers have no village or support, childcare is astronomical and society further segregate us because of the rise in things like… child free weddings (I’d also add people complaining about being near children in restaurants and airplanes etc). Children should be seen and not heard? Now we don’t even want to see them! 7 is ridiculous!

Seriously 🙄 Children not being invited to a wedding is hardly the demise of society, cut the dramatics

Yep! I feel this. Invited to several multiple day weddings abroad this year which were “no kids”. One of those both of me and Hubbie were part of the wedding party. What do we do with our 7 month old?

You do what everyone else does when they have to be somewhere it’s not appropriate to bring children along (work, for example? It’s something people grapple with every day 🤷🏻‍♀️)
If there are no childcare options open to you, you decline gracefully and don’t go.
What you don’t do is expect the b & g to accommodate you.
No drama necessary.

Funny how none of the actual parents I know share the anger about child-free weddings. I brought up the subject the other day (inspired by this thread) when I was with a couple of friends who are mums and one of them didn't even let me finish the sentence, she turned to me and said "if you and DP get married, don't you DARE invite my kids - I want a night off".

I suspect anyone I ever knew who takes the "me and my kids come as one inseparable unit" approach has long cut child-free DP and I out of their lives anyway, and I don't miss them.

Pretty funny to see people assuming child-free weddings are joyless. They're like child-free lives - they allow for much more fun and much more hedonism.

It's the childcare that's the issue for me. Totally understand why people prefer child free weddings especially the costs but for me it's impossible to attend as my DD is too young. I'm a foreigner so no family in the UK to help with overnight stays. As long as the B&G are understanding when people can't attend due to childcare issues I don't see what the problem is.