Will children ever be invited to weddings again

[georgianwindow]

We have been invited to quite a few weddings in the last 12 months - seven of them. All of them have been child free. The postman has just been, with another invitation arriving, also adding to the child free wedding invitation pile.
We have a 5 year old and are expecting a baby in 2 months time. Two of the recent invitations have said that we can bring the little one but not the eldest. The ones that do not welcome the baby have been declined because we can not leave such a young baby.
We don't have childcare options readily available to us and have to drive a 2 hour round trip for this.

I have done a couple of the weddings on my own, and DH has as well (and the other of us has stayed at home) but this isn't particularly enjoyable for the one of us that goes to the wedding.

I understand that everyone can make their own decision regarding their weddings but it really it a shame missing out on events because of this, especially when in most circumstances, the bride & groom have children themselves so know how tricky childcare can be. It is the decision of the bride and groom for their wedding day, it does just mean that some guests will decline attending, or attend but possibly not stay for the reception.

Light hearted thread but will children ever be invited to weddings again! We had them at ours and many of them brightened up the day, making people laugh or getting involved, there were no issues regarding behaviour of children and parents were sensible with keeping them occupied during the ceremony. I can't remember the last time I received a wedding invitation that didn't cause some level of stress.

I don't think it's necessarily down to badly behaved children. Sometimes adults want to socialise with adults and children get in the way of that.

The problem is that people don't see children as humans in their own right, but extensions of their parents. You cannot invite only the children that you want, otherwise it causes massive upset. Say for example you have two cousins and one you see regularly and know the kid very well... The other you don't even know their birthday the latter will still throw a strop.

That's why people find it easier to impose a blanket rule or a very small group.

Is it about not seeing children as humans in their own right? 🤔
Or is it more about not particularly wanting to socialise with little children, however well you happen to know them?

We had a child free wedding. It was a small do and what we wanted for our day. Most guests loved having a child free day/night out. Nothing was said to us but I heard through the grapevine there was some 'discussion' by a couple of other people !

I think it's weddings that have changed more than anything. I got married in a registry office and the evening do was a local WMC type place. MIL and a friend threw the buffet together and the biggest cost was probably the DJ. It was a great night but cheap as chips so it didn't really matter who turned up or how old they were (or even how they behaved - to a point)

A lot of weddings now are in hotels or other wedding specific venues. A lot of visual prep goes in to them and I presume are very costly per head. I went to an absolutely beautiful one in a woodland setting a few years ago - everything was very curated down to the last detail.

Taking into account the cost of it plus the ability of even the most delightful children to jump around, climb and mess with decorations after consuming fizzy pop I can see why you might take the decision to be adults only.

Despite having attended some truly lovely weddings I don't regret my somewhat less than classy, boozy, disco party. 😁

Ah, hell, EVERYONE has the entitlement to whinge! It is Mumsnet, after all. What else is it for?

Well of course it depends on the specifics. Some people don't want kids. Some people don't want cost. Some people aren't that close to their families.
But IME because of the extra expense and effort required to leave kids unless you're lucky enough to have free childcare people are angrier at theirs not having been invited over others as they think it's unfair. They don't even consider that it's because children have their own relationship with the couple independent of the parents. They think it's because they weren't wanted there enough to 'incentivise' with an invite for the kids.

Most of the weddings I have attended have been child free. We couldn’t go to one as our child was tiny so couldn’t leave them. Didn’t bother us or the hosts. We went to one when our child was under 1yr and it was fine, but would have preferred to have had a babysitter (sadly none available at the time), as it was a pain eating, settling them, not being able to focus on conversations with old friends properly, taking them out when the music got louder, not being able to have a dance etc.

A lot of the venues are unsuitable for children and babies. I have no problem with child or child free weddings. I got married how I wanted to, so I think it’s great that couples put themselves first and have the day they want - it’s literally their day, not mine and my brood.

Am going to a sibling’s wedding with a 2yr old soon and honestly I would prefer to have a babysitter - sadly all our babysitters will be at the wedding too!!

Now this is what I think is wrong.

Personally, if a wedding invitation is going to cause logistical difficulties, trouble or inconvenience to me, I'd simply decline it. I would not expect a fit of pique from the B&G, either, and should I receive one, as I did from a B&G in Kent who invited me to evening only (I live in Yorkshire), they will get extremely short shrift. All nice and straightforward, and at least everyone knows where they stand.

What I wouldn't do is fear saying 'no', attend the wedding under sufferance, and then complain about it to other guests. It's appallingly rude to behave this way when you're someone's guest, however reluctant you were to go in the first place. I don't think much to the fellow-guests who passed this information on to you, either. How did they think it would benefit you to know?

Whinge anonymously on an online forum by all means. That's different.

I also hated going to weddings as a child - such long days and so boring for the most part.

And I didn’t enjoy any of the weddings as an adult when I had to take care of DD between ages 1 - 4 years old.

Weddings are no longer cheap affairs with a buffet in a local hall or club. People pay per head to have three course meals in a posh venue, followed by lengthy speeches. Kids won’t sit through that.

The high price per head also means that spaces are limited - most couples can’t even afford to invite all of their adult friends and family, never mind kids as well.

That’s before you even consider that people want an adult party with no screaming kids, which lasts into the early hours. They don’t want half of the guests going home early because the kids are tired.

All of which is to say, there’s been a cultural change which means that weddings are no longer child friendly.

@OvaHere I would have liked that, but people threw a strop about not being able to watch the ceremony.
I don't know where @Rubyupbeat lives but where I live rhere simply aren't any venues that would be big enough for a lot of people and keep costs low. Venue rental alone is close to 1K with nothing else done, no cheap village hall or anything. And caterers won't do a wedding for normal party menu prices despite us insisting.
Going further afield = travel costs.

You can't please everyone, and indeed it is still cheap if you did the 'traditiohal' church and pub but because they all have strict rules etc you have little choice if you're not religious.

Can't understand the whole horror and dislike of 'child free weddings' it's a wedding, one that the b&g will hopefully only have 1 of, kids have countless opportunities to dance, have fun and be the focal point of events! Am always a bit 🙄 when people say 'oh but it's the children who make weddings so special'!

Exactly.... I had a child free wedding and loved it. Now I have my own kids and I still don't take them to weddings, even if they're invited. I much prefer child free weddings. The wedding is about the bride and groom's love for each other, not other people's children.

I had a childfree wedding.

We were struggling to come to terms with our infertility and just didn't want to be surrounded by children "making the day" at our wedding.

Frankly, I wouldn't have given a single shit if people didn't like it.

I'm always surprised this doesn't come up more on the difference between Ireland the the UK threads. I've only ever been invited to my aunts and uncles weddings as a child, and the only children I've ever seen at weddings have been cousins, nieces and nephews- like actual cousins not cousins kids. My children have never been invited to a wedding and I don't think that's unusual of anyone I know.

This is such a great point, so did I. I don't think many children enjoy them, so the people saying the children miss out aren't really thinking about the kids at all!

Ah, hell, EVERYONE has the entitlement to whinge! It is Mumsnet, after all. What else is it for?

That is very, very true. I stand corrected.

Weddings are no longer cheap affairs with a buffet in a local hall or club.

And thank fuck for that! Most of the time they were dull and tedious. Give me a nice expensive hotel or even better, castle, wedding. The posher the better 🤣

When I arranged my wedding I was mega anti children.. then I got pregnant and had to postpone a year. As an older mum to invite all the kids was still a stretch. So I scaled back did it between Christmas and new year when I new everyone more or less had been with family and would have childcare . Kind of worked . Those who didn't have childcare bought their kids and left at 8 ish.
Weddings are expensive and people want to do it properly. I get not wanting 20 unrelated kids and having to feed them BUT I totally child free wedding is so soulless. It's so fun watching family children dance and play . Pre pregnancy I just wanted a wedding and a mega piss up and I felt all my friends - and I mean ALL would have disappeared at 8 had I not said- no kids. No bride considers the other invites you have got. A victim of your own popularity?!
As a mum to a now 5yr old the few invites I get I just look at them and feel hungover immediately. I am excited if they say no kids- it's an immediate sorry and a quick John Lewis voucher. Weddings when you are in your 40's just remind you it will diminish your holiday spends !

We only invited about 12 people to the actual ceremony then had a restaurant lunch after with those 12. A few people were put out about that at the time but it was mostly about cost. Everyone and anyone was welcome to the evening party which really was the best part of the day.

This was more than 2 decades ago so I can imagine the type of hall we hired is harder to find as many will have shut down and comparatively much more expensive to hire if you do find one.

I think that children's worsening behaviour has also been a factor here.

I was the first of my friends to have children, so I missed out on most of their weddings because I was breastfeeding and none of them allowed children. I am a bit sad to have missed out on their weddings. I did go to one child free ceremony whilst my husband, having driven over 2hrs, entertained a toddler and two month old in the carpark outside. The bride was a bit annoyed that I couldn’t go to the reception as well. We weren’t as close after that.

Cannot guarantee that children won’t play up, because you know they are kids. But the sticking point is that the parents cannot be guaranteed to do something about their behaviour

That isn't gentle parenting, it is permissive parenting.

When parents start making sure children can behave in church and during speeches they might get invited to weddings again. Mine was nearly 20 years ago and things have not improved.

I wonder if it's a cost saving thing too. If you invite all the kids it's still xyz number of guests at wedding.