To ask for advice on how to be a perfect long distance granny?

[Jinja2BJ]

I am going to be a granny for the first time in the autumn.
I am in Yorkshire and my wonderful daughter and her husband live in the south of England. I am very happy and excited! I would love to be a special person in my grandchild's life but I won't be seeing them as often as I would like if they lived locally.
Does anyone have any experience to share where this has gone really well or really wrong?
I am looking for an AirBnB nearby for just after the birth so that I can help as much as I'm wanted but I can leave them alone as a new little family too.
TIA

Listen to them and respect their wishes. Read between the lines. Don’t be pushy - no means no. Take the hint. Don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for.

Are they okay with you coming just after the birth?

And remember that things are different to how you raised your babies decades. The advice has changed based on new, safer research.

In a couple of years’ time, get posting! Cards, letters, cuttings, something to colour in, a joke, a comic. Mine LOVED getting their own grown up post from grandma

First few months, when you go visit make sure to do it to support your daughter, not to hold and take pics of the baby
so what she wants goes, if you have the money maybe offer to pay for a meal delivery service for the first month or two
guidelines would have changed, so ask questions and respect how she wants to do things
when the baby is older, post stuff, and face time, maybe offer to read a story via FaceTime every week or two

Just like any other long distance relationship you have to be consistent like the PP said send stuff try video call as much as you can go down as much as you can but also they should want to visit you and bring the kiddies to you so they can get familiar it will have to be a 2 way thing but it will all work out in the end you will naturally want to be with them as much as you can :)

My mum is 4.5 hours away and has a great relationship with DC.

I don't think there are any special tricks to being long-distance. All the advice that's ever given about being a good MIL or a good grandparent comes down to be just being normal!

If you are generally a nice normal person who doesn't impose and is happy to muck in with the daily life of a household when visiting by being helpful but not in the way you'll be fine.

DC were a bit wary of my parents when they were really little because they didn't see them often. They dealt with it by just backing off, being available for play/stories/cuddles whenever DC were ready and now at 5 and 7 they both adore both of them and happily spend all day together.

i have two friends who live far away one in Australia and one in California and their kids have a great relationship with grandparents. Plenty of FaceTime and they visit once every 2 years.

Video calls are amazing! We have no family closer than 2 hours away but my kids have wonderful relationships with all their grandparents.

When they were tiny, we Skyped so grandparents could watch them on a playmat etc while I chatted. Then as they got bigger they would play in the same room and bring Grandma cups of tea from the play kitchen etc.

Now my kids LOVE Zoom and WhatsApp calls with family, playing with filters, playing board games together on online platforms etc. Grandma often reads them a bedtime story, either showing them the pictures at her end or the kids have the same book at our house.

As a mum with no local family support, I am so grateful for my family spending time with the kids virtually, which often gives me a breather or lets me have 1-1 time with one child while the other has 1-1 with family online.

You might be surprised how much of a relationship you can build online alongside visits, and how much if a support you can be to your daughter too.

When they are a bit older always offer to babysit one evening when they come up to visit you or you go to visit them. Not in a 'you must go out' but as a standing offer so your dd and sil have an evening out together once in a while.

We have one set in Australia and one set 4 hours away.

Facebook Portal has been great for hands-free video calls. Especially easier as he’s become a toddler.

Thanks for the replies.
@SunnySaturdayMorning At the moment they really want me to be there after the birth. However, I think that you are right. Feelings change and tbh she won't know what she wants until the time comes. So my plan is to be close by in the Airbnb ready to visit at the right times, help out and then disappear so they can have their own space.

Posting little messages and treats is a gorgeous idea, and @honeyy123 , I absolutely take your advice - consistency is really important.

Distance does not need to be a barrier. I have a friend whose child and grandchildren live on the other side of the world. However she usually reads them a bedtime story via FaceTime

I think there are great ideas on here and the fact you are even asking shows your thoughtfulness.

I'm sure your daughter and son-in-law will really appreciate having you near but not in an overwhelming manner.

Down the line which will come quickly having such a lovely relationship with your DGC will likely mean they come to stay with you on their own during school holidays

Congrats

We have a set of grandparents 15 minutes away and the other set live overseas. Kids/we have good relationships with all of them - I'm not sure the kids are noticeably closer to the 'home' grandparents really.

You've had some really good advice on here - my kids are too old for video calls to have been much of a thing when they were little, but I think something like a FaceTime story slot is a lovely idea.

The 'away' grandparents used to come 3 or 4 times a year, and stay with us for about a week at a time. They are super-helpful around the house and we have a lot of space, so it was good having them to stay, but I can see how an Air BnB arrangement might work well for everyone too. We go there once a year - it was more frequent before the kids started school.

They have really built traditions for visits, which the kids remembered and looked forward to from quite a young age (e.g., there is always a day out to the local zoo - which still happens now even though the kids are teens).

We also knew that if we needed help, they'd come over straightaway. It's never arisen for us, but my SIL was very ill a couple of years ago and Granny was over within 24 hours.

And this year, my eldest daughter and the eldest cousin are travelling over to see the grandparents on their own. Long distance can all work out well!

Its lovely to hear the positive stories. I'm lucky that we are in the same time zone!

Ring and FaceTime them, especially on their birthdays.

Get a load of second hand toys from facebook and keep them at your house and actively play with your grandkids when they visit. My kids have the best relationships with the adults in their lives who sit at the table and colour with them or sit with them and play on the floor with them.

Just to agree my mother is not a long distance but my children love getting the little cards, notes, funny pics etc. I think the main reason they have such a wonderful relationship is she is interested in their lives and in the toddler days fully onboarded with Fireman Sam/Barney etc.

Wishing you all a happy healthy little one.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I cant wait for this bit! I love playing on the floor with children - Getting up again is the tricky bit nowadays!😂

I had a great relationship with my grandparents. They were the best. Not such a long distance (though they were also in Yorkshire) but we’d go and stay with grandparents on our own in holidays, they’d take us on day trips - cricket at Headingly, visits to Fountains Abbey, parks, out for lunch etc but we’d also play games, help make meals. Mainly it was that they just really wanted to see us and had the time to spend with us.

I love that MIL gives the kids £5 holiday spending money every time we go on hols. And if we go to Europe she gives it to them in Euros.

Seriously, I like her consistency (my family are good but different). You know she will call on x day, will give you 6 cream eggs for Easter and will be generally cheerful. That's her.

But my main tip would be, be yourself, you sound great.

Make the effort to visit, dote on your dil and ask what they want. When you are trusted to look after the child do exactly what they say and when they come back, let them know how it’s all gone. You sound lovely and I’m sure you’ll be a great grandparent.

And play with them, spend time with them. Kids want love and attention.

Hey OP, congratulations 😊

I grew up with two sets of grandparents, one set lived in the same village, the other lived 400 miles away. My relationship with my further away Grandparents was so much closer than my nearby grandparents who made little effort with us.

We visited often during school holidays for extended periods and my grandparents regularly came to visit (they covered a lot of school holiday childcare for my parents).

You'll have to be led by your daughter and son in law but it's absolutely possible to have a great relationship. I used to spend at least an hour on the phone to my gran every Sunday and would bawl my eyes out leaving theirs or when they went home from ours. My gran would send random little cards and parcels and generally made sure that despite the distance and her not being financially well off we knew she was there.

Listen and note down stuff that's happening and text/ask how it went.

Do NOT compare them to friends children/other grandchildren negatively focus on that one child and their abilities.

Rejoice in their milestones and show care when stuff doesn't go as wanted.
And just love on them. I got so much closer to my inlaws due to how they just loved my children. Miss them both so much my mum who was long distance never cared to fins out about my children always negatively compared them to golden niece. It really affected my relationship with her.

Love this idea!! I'll start making things with DD to send to her grandma