To ask for advice on how to be a perfect long distance granny?

[Jinja2BJ]

I am going to be a granny for the first time in the autumn.
I am in Yorkshire and my wonderful daughter and her husband live in the south of England. I am very happy and excited! I would love to be a special person in my grandchild's life but I won't be seeing them as often as I would like if they lived locally.
Does anyone have any experience to share where this has gone really well or really wrong?
I am looking for an AirBnB nearby for just after the birth so that I can help as much as I'm wanted but I can leave them alone as a new little family too.
TIA

What a lovely question. My mil is a lovely long distance granny. She does zoom calls and she's fun in them. Avoid talking loads about work etc.. make the kid part if it. She sings songs, jokes around etc...

I'd say listen to the parents wishes. So if you offer to babysit that's very kind but if they say dont feed my kid x or whatever let them know you take their views seriously. My mil is like this She also doesn't criticise and say I did x better or we didnt do that in my day etc.. she's very supportive like my mum is too.

Its great you're hiring an air b n b. How considerate.

I think finally remember thar you all live where you do and that's ok. You don't have to be perfect, just be kind and fun and they will be thankful ❤️

@RampantIvy Fair enough. I do struggle though, with the implication on here that grandmothers can never have anything helpful to suggest or offer. Tact is important- but an experienced parent has things to offer too, not just silent tea making!

Yes, respect their wishes its lovely that you want to be there and at the moment they want you to be there too.

I would say don’t give advice unless its asked for ideas change frequently.

Phone up and ask how they all are.

Shorter visits in my experience work better than longer visits (which can be too intense).

Familiarise yourself with Facetime or Whatsapp video calls if you don’t already do this for when baby arrives.

Re: presents it was pretty much all a blur (some items they may get given from friends with babies or may not want). My best friend got me a lovely chair that had a gentle rocking motion and soothing sounds my son loved this but he but was only in it for a short time and my daughter absolutely hated.

OP sounds lovely. This post is negative and assuming already that OP will overstep the mark!

One tip is to let child get used to you each time you visit in their own home a while first.

We live overseas and in-laws stay a few weeks at a time when visiting which is fine, but there’s usually 4-6 months gap. So when they turn up and want to take Ds out alone the next day all day to the zoo or something, it’s too much. As he needs time to get used to them being here again. Especially before he could talk and express his feelings. Now I always suggest arrival day and day 1-2 is us and them together somewhere or they play at house with Ds or just pop to local park 1hr rather than all morning etc. Later in the week he’s happy to go somewhere alone with them for several hours.

Best gift is an annual pass or classes for them and baby. If there’s a small
farm or zoo nearby then you can go
with them also when visiting or take grandchild in future. Things like swimming classes or music locally can be expensive but an ideal thing if your daughter wants to get out each week and meet people. So maybe see if they have something nearby they want to go to when baby is a few months old and offer to pay for it

I completely agree with this. It's perfectly OK to share your experience. It becomes a problem when you try to insist on doing it your way or judge a family for doing it differently. He'll, I've been known to ask my 90 year old relative for advice as she has lots of useful experience. But she never forces it or expects me to take it on board completely. Its a mutual give and take.

We lived away from my family when dc were young. My parents are very young at heart so when they came to stay dad would take dc outside and play 'monster games' running up and down. Nobody else did this with them. My mum would always bring a little magazine/ new book and they would spend time reading it. I didn't find video/ phone calls that helpful until they were at least 5.

I think regular checking in, asking about the groups/ clubs they do. If possible attend special moments- little ballet performances/ school plays/ sports days etc.

I dont see it as judging op. Some people express themselves in what not to do as well as what to do. And some have negative experiences of their own.

This is also useful I think. I'm often grateful to my mil and mum for irritating things they avoid doing as well as good things they do.

If your dd wants you there after birth then go with it. My mum travelled over and was with me during labour alongside my dh. My dad stayed in the house. I'd personally be offended and upset if I offered my parents to stay with me and they booked to stay elsewhere. It was lovely leaving hospital with my dh and baby and having my parents at home. They'd got some balloons and flowers, cooked an amazing meal and got some bubbly.

My parents live a few hours away and come to stay about every six weeks. They are easy going and very helpful around the house. The one extra thing I would really appreciate would be if they were more proactive in wanting to do their own thing occasionally. So for example popping out for a coffee together without me, DH and DC. Or even doing their own research and suggesting somewhere they could take DC. It's not a big deal and as I said they're very easy going - I'm sure I do / don't do things that annoy them at times, and they don't say anything!

Yes! My dad always sends postcards to the DC – one each – from his holidays. We have a weekly family FaceTime, though that’s more of benefit when the kids are older.

Honestly what I wanted from my parents when I had a baby was their time and presence – still do! But it’s tricky with distance. Long summer holiday visits. If they visit you, ask what they need so they don’t need to travel with it: travel cot, high chair, blackout blind, monitor, nappies, changing mat, etc. (My MIL won’t even buy fresh vegetables for our visits; we have to travel with everything and do a food shop.) Don’t overwhelm with presents: piles of stuff are the enemy.

Some of the best things my dad did when the babies were small: brought easy lunch things when he visited – Waitrose and M&S picnics. Talked to them! I’d go and have a shower and while drying I’d hear him saying things like, “Did you know, I was in London last week and there was scaffolding up on Tate Modern!” or whatever. They adore the chats more than the mindless baby googoo noises. Sensible advice: he gave me a copy of Your Baby and Child by Penelope Leach.

When you visit, don't just visit - help! Food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Taking the baby isn't always helpful so don't be pushy with the cuddles.

Please check first. The only row I had with my lovely mil was when she tried to do the above after dc1 was born. I didn't want help. I didn't need help. After dc2 was born, it made me feel like we had to visit them rather than vice versa.

Lovely thread. For gifts, maybe baby blooms? They're a bouquet of baby clothes made to look like a flower bouquet. Practical and beautiful

I haven't got any advice as such but i think it's lovely that your so excited and keen to do things well. Congratulations on soon becoming a Grandma. Xx

This is my idea of a hellish gift, unravelling all the stuff to put it away and establish what’s in there; and sounds like something tricky to return – give me a practical multipack of vests any day, if I’ve got too many or they’re the wrong size I can exchange for the bits we need.

My best gifts have always been food: Cook frozen meal vouchers, timed for when the batch cooking runs out; brownies and flapjacks and small cakes to fuel the relentless breastfeeding marathons.

I've always lived apart from my parents, and my kids generally see their grandparents between 2 and 4 times a year, not more than that, and my kids don't like video calls, but they still have a good relationship.

What helps: Staying at nanny and grandad's is an adventure - we all bunk up in the same room, they have different cereal, they see their cousins, nanny always cooks with them etc.

When they visit us, nanny brings whatever the most recent missed event is - so she doesn't send a birthday present/easter-egg, she waits until she's coming and brings them - which just makes their visits more memorable as they're getting Easter eggs in Summer or Christmas presents in March.

And that's all it's taken - that they genuinely like each other, that they give the kids attention when we're together, that they do little things that are memorable, and that nanny and grandad's house is treated as a home for them too, despite the time between visits.

My Ddad is in another country and has a fantastic relationship with our kids. He's very hands on and when we visit him or he comes here he wants to play with the kids, take them out, usually babysits a night to have them to himself entirely and we go out.
He knows we ave some rules that we don't want broken, but generally when it's grandad's time it's his rules and he spoils them a bit without us interfering.

Other than than he always sends birthday cards on time, is thoughtful. The thing he gives the most of is his time, and that's why they adore him. The poor man has sat through endless awful kids movies with them, watched them play sport badly, been to school concerts where no one plays a note in tune without complaint! Being a grandparent really does give you rose tinted glasses!

My DP are wonderful long distance GP. Video calling is wonderful (we connect it to the tvs so not huddled around a tiny screen) and have regular chats, joke telling sessions etc. Conversation is very family based, not boring adult chat.
RL contact every couple of months.

Kids adore them and have a strong bond. It's wonderful to see how they have made it work.

As full-time working DGPs we try our best. One set of GC are 200 miles away, the other 600 miles away. We have the added pressure of being the only DGPs for one set so try to visit as often as possible, approximately 4 times a year for the furthest away and a little more for the closer family.
I'm happy to babysit and both sets know this but it takes planning.

Not just food you can eat with one hand. Also food you can eat once it's gone cold, such as quiche or pizza.

Be on hand to do the jobs needed - ironing, cooking, hanging out the washing, or holding the baby whilst you daughter does these things herself. Be there once her partner has gone back to work.

My parents were four hours away when the DC were born, and are now two and a half hours away. They're now 26, 24 and 22 and maintain excellent relationships with their grandparents. They now have the delights of Whatsapp and Wordle to maintain the relationships on a daily basis.

My MIL lives a few hours away. She FaceTimes a couple of times a week. Comes to stay & had the kids at hers. They love staying at nannys. Though this is a recent thing. She's offered to have them for a week in the school holidays etc.

Kids age: 2 & 4.

My mum was fairly local but maybe when you stay in the Airbnb you could replicate something like this. She would come every Wednesday and would look after my child so I could go to the gym. She would then buy a few nice bits for lunch or we would grab lunch out together. Then she left me to it. In summary, come over and be helpful but also give them space.

None of DD’s grandparents live nearby but she has a great relationship with them. We FaceTime a lot. We tried reading stories over FaceTime (so grandparents bought a copy of the book and we bought a copy so she would have the pictures) but it didn’t work even though DD loves reading. However, we play peek-a-boo on FaceTime (grandparent puts the iPad down for “where’s granny?” And lifts it back up for “boo” or covers their face). Grandparents have little teddies that do things on the screens.

Grandparent understand that she might not want to talk the whole time, she goes off to play but she’s still hearing their voices and she’ll come back to the screen. So catch up with your daughter and the baby will be around but still hearing your voice.

Grandparent post. Particularly in the early days I found the useful grandparent post to be the boring stuff that other people weren’t buying her - socks, vests, weaning stuff. My mum asks about what TV she likes and what she likes doing and will buy things from her TV programmes or the things she likes. Don’t think it has to be things though, tickets for things are good or memberships to kid friendly activities near them are great things to give. My mum would send me some money during maternity leave to allow me to do classes with DD.

When you visit it’s great because that means a day out (and treats). When you visit offer to babysit and allow parents to go out. They might not take you up on the offer but keep offering. Be prepared that your visits might be structured around baby and doing baby friendly things.

The best gifts we received were food gifts. Deliveroo voucher, cook voucher, chocolate brownies. My mum was great support because she would talk to me during the day when I was bored and lonely on maternity leave. She also did some research around weaning and how it was different but then sent me things that would work whether I did purées or baby led weaning. She sent us different teething toys too. She was also good when visiting of just accepting the house however it was or cooking for me or taking me somewhere and making sure I could eat with both hands while she held DD.

We also have a tonie box. You can buy creative tonies in which you can record your own story. We haven’t quite got round to it but we’re going to get a restive tonie for each set of grandparents and get them to record their own bedtime story for DD and we will play them for her. For your daughter, I would suggest looking at photo sharing apps. We use Family Album which is a free app but also has a web browser option. We invited grandparents to join the app and see that album of her. We add photos and grandparents can comment like they would with FB except it’s just for them rather than everyone on FB. You can also download photos from there so grandparents have been able to take their favourites print them off or add them to their phones etc. All grandparents are really good at not posting on social media so we don’t stop them having them photos of her.