To ask for advice on how to be a perfect long distance granny?

[Jinja2BJ]

I am going to be a granny for the first time in the autumn.
I am in Yorkshire and my wonderful daughter and her husband live in the south of England. I am very happy and excited! I would love to be a special person in my grandchild's life but I won't be seeing them as often as I would like if they lived locally.
Does anyone have any experience to share where this has gone really well or really wrong?
I am looking for an AirBnB nearby for just after the birth so that I can help as much as I'm wanted but I can leave them alone as a new little family too.
TIA

You sound lovely! I think the key is finding out the family's boundaries (staying in an Airbnb is really thoughtful) and watching and learning how they parent and supporting whatever their approach is.

Offer to have them to stay every once in a while!

Myself and DH haven't had even one night to ourselves since the children were born.

Depends on all sorts of things, see what your daughter wants and what the child is like!

On video calls - these never went well with my kids as they'd just look at themselves and gurn then get hyper. But in lockdown GP made lots of recordings of stories on their phones that DC loved - just filmed on a phone, showing them bits around the house and reading a story. We still play them now sometimes to calm kids down!

Do you drive or get the train? We have GP further away who don't drive and trains are so £££ that we need to plan visits months in advance, plus they prefer to stay in hotels than with us. That has shaped our relationship with them a lot! You could plan a kind of schedule of visits across the year and offer your DD to help out with the baby so she's got some time with you and time to herself to look forward to.

These tips are great. Thank you all so much.

Perhaps this is a whole new question, but did anyone have any particularly lovely or useful new baby gifts or new parent gifts?

I second this,it was different for us as my mom was in a care home so not a day to day granny but she sent cards,postcards,books,letters etc & every week when my dad went to see her she sent home a little treat be it a colouring book,a biscuit,a little toy,a few euro (we're in Ireland). When my oldest son saw her he spent a lot of time with her sitting together, cuddles etc. My mom unfortunately passed away in November 21 & had only met my second son once due to COVID restrictions, Id sent pictures etc I always made sure she had a lot of pictures, picture books of the grandkids so she had memories with her,& now I have thankfully a few pictures of her with my boys which we treasure along with all the cards etc,they do really mean the world & my oldest is always talking about her as he has such fond memories of her 😊

My DD and darling grandson live 300 miles away from me.
We facetime every single day.
Every month I get a box and fill it with books, toys, favourite snacks, crafting items etc and send it it the post - we call them hugs!
I always buy two of each book, toy, crafting item. That way I can send one in the hug and keep the other. That way when we are face timing I can read him the same stories, play with the same toys.
Last year he loved paw patrol. Every morning we would wake up, face time each other, make breakfast (DD made grandsons) and then we would watch the movie.

It works really well as my DD can get things done around the house and I get to spend time with my grandson.
Even though I have only met him four times in 'real life', I get to see him and spend time with him every day and as such I spend more time with him than his other grandparents.
At one point he would refused to go to sleep unless nanny was singing 'twinkle twinkle' to him.
I really thought that I wouldn't get to see him grow up and that I would be a stranger to him, but it has worked out to be the opposite!!
Also never forget to send a big bar of chocolate in the hug for your DD - my daughter loves that.
And finally congratulations and good luck!!

My lovely Mum travelled 200 miles each way every month to help out with my two boys. She even did a 4 hour bus journey at an hour's notice to look after a baby and a toddler once when I had the flu and DH had to work. Long weekends, every christmas and the odd holiday worked out manageable for us all.

Actually, holidays were a great thing to do together. Granny loved spending time with the boys, and didn't mind early nights with them so we got some time to ourselves.

They have a wonderful relationship now she is less mobile and we see her less often. Much better than they have with my in laws who live a few streets away but made little effort!

@Dobbyatemysocks I love the sound of hug boxes!

I agree with previous posters about consistency and showing interest/making an effort. DD's paternal grandparents were very close to her when she was tiny. They moved abroad when she was 4 (she's now 8) and they haven't come back to the UK once to visit her (no health or financial reasons that would prevent this). They don't call her and seem largely uninterested in her now. As others have said it's possible to have good long distance relationships with a bit of effort and creativity. You sound lovely and congratulations on becoming a grandma xx

Face time is your friend. I face time my 2 dgs every week. I send them something every couple of weeks too. Sometimes a postcard, a story book, some stickers, a little work book, colouring book, a poster, and the latest a joke book for eldest dgs who can read now. At Xmas I sent them several Xmas activity kits for making Xmas cards, stampers, paper chain kit etc. When I face time they show me the things they have made. I visit 2 or if possible 3 times a year and they visit me once or twice a year. My DD occasionally comes on her own if she has a work trip close to us so I see her a little bit more. I see dgs's about 3 times a year. I often send the money for ice creams or a hobby too.

I bought a natural wool fleece for in the cot https://www.baababy.co.uk/products/bowron-babycare-shorn

Long distance grandparenting is different but I think it can lead to a closer relationship as when you spend time together, it tends to be more full-on (staying in each others houses etc) which gives the opportunity to get to know each other in a very "real" way that you don't necessarily get with short visits when kids can be on their best behaviour for the duration.

I grew up feeling really close to my other-side-of-the-world grandparents who we'd usually see for a month at a time because of the distances involved (pre internet days too). My kids have grandparents at the other end of the country, so it's usually long weekend/a week at time when we see them, several times a year. Again, they are really close and know each other very well.

(And I'm much more grateful for being sent nice cards etc for the kids than I am for lots of "stuff"- one of our sets of grandparents were sending up multiple stationary sets, soft toys, etc etc to the point where it was just too much. I don't need 12 new teddies a year or 12 new pencil cases a year for each child. A cars and some stickers is much preferred by me!!)

A card and stickers even

My DD had her first baby six months ago and I live 3.5 hours away , her partners parents live locally and help out a lot so she does have support - however I offered to go and stay locally when her partner went back to work after the birth and went up and essentially cleaned , did washing , made sure she ate , took him for a walk so she could grab a nap etc and I know she really appreciated that . I try to go up for a few days every month . I stay in an air bnb and I basically help out with the day to day as he hasn’t been a brilliant sleeper . She sends me little video clips if him and photos most days so I can see all the new things he’s doing . When he’s older I’ll send things in the post .. I’ve felt the key has been to let her know I’m here despite the miles but never to force myself on them

Take an interest. My DS has a better relationship with my ILs who are 3 hours away than my mum who is 15 mins as they take an interest in his hobbies/friends/school/what toys are favour of the month. They keep in touch through FaceTime and visit approx every 2 months. Last year he stayed for a week for the first time (reception age) and loved it.

Just wanted to say, you sound like you will be an amazing granny and they are very lucky to have you! Just the amount of thought you are already putting in shows you will be great.

You sound like a really thoughtful grandparent.

We did lots of video calls with grandparents due to DS being born in April 2020, so unable to visit because of lockdowns. We've continued video calls with my Mum (who lives furthest away - about a 4 hour drive) as my DS (now 3) really enjoys calls with her - she makes them fun (e.g. wearing silly hats, or playing games with him over the call, or showing him things in her flat). My husband's parents never made very much effort on video calls, and just seemed to want to sit on a sofa and talk to us rather than interact with DS, so he would get very bored. As a result (and because they only live an hour away so we see them more often) we've wound those down.

@Canyousewcushions
I totally agree with this. When my mum (loooong-distance nana) visits its for at least a month at a time. She's there for all our day-to-day life, she lightens the load for me and my partner, and she also has the energy to pour a lot of love and attention on our son - and not just for the easy, well-behaved bits!

Congratulations OP! My parents are about the same distance away from me and they have a wonderful relationship with my 3 year old. They’ve always been willing to help when asked (and have always offered to help which means a huge amount, even when I haven’t taken them up on it!) and while willing to offer advice if I ask for it, have never told me what to do if that makes sense? Plus they visit us regularly and vice versa.

My mum isn’t on any social media so I got her an Amazon Echo and we use that all the time for video calls - it made a massive difference, especially since they didn’t see my DS in person for most of the first 9 months of his life thanks to COVID.

Re new parent gifts, my parents got me a new parent box from Cook which was brilliant - it just meant DH and I had a supply of nice ready meals in the freezer to fall back on when we didn’t want to cook. Not saying you should get that as I appreciate Cook isn’t the cheapest, but you could consider something similar or doing some batch cooking.

You already sound like you’re going to be a fab granny!

Not long distance but my 90 year old grandfather can't get out much anymore.

He reads stories to my DD via facetime, he sends money for icecreams and I always print a picture off and get DD to write thank you messages, lots of pictures of her in his house and they talk about stuff on facetime a lot.

They have a lovely relationship despite not physically seeing each other much.

we have no immediate family near us, both sets of grandparents live 5+hrs away.

kids love long FaceTime calls, playing games and reading stories over the call, as well as sending post - letters, drawings etc.
now there both older DC will spend a couple of weeks with each family during the summer holidays.

i wouldn’t worry about how far away you are, just replicate what you would do if they lived rounds the corner, endless chats, listening, advice when asked, babysitting when possible.

I grew up with one set of grandparents on the other side of the world and we still had a great relationship :) and this was in a pre-Skype world, so we wrote each other letters and spoke on the phone mainly, and I was always very excited to visit them and have them come to visit.

I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful grandmother!

Congratulations, you seem really sensible and thoughtful and think you’re going to be an amazing Grannie!
My grandparents lived everything from 1.5 up to 5 hours away from me throughout my life but would always send cards and little notelets and they were always at the end of a phone. I also spent holidays with them and later took my children to see them every school holiday until they sadly passed away but we have so many wonderful memories.
Sometimes the simplest things are the best.
I can still hear my Nan in my head singing “happy birthday to yooouuu” on my birthdays.

So depressing that so much advice seems to be shut up and take the rubbish out.