To ask for advice on how to be a perfect long distance granny?

[Jinja2BJ]

I am going to be a granny for the first time in the autumn.
I am in Yorkshire and my wonderful daughter and her husband live in the south of England. I am very happy and excited! I would love to be a special person in my grandchild's life but I won't be seeing them as often as I would like if they lived locally.
Does anyone have any experience to share where this has gone really well or really wrong?
I am looking for an AirBnB nearby for just after the birth so that I can help as much as I'm wanted but I can leave them alone as a new little family too.
TIA

Just wanted to say that I’m in the same boat but reversed! DD is in Yorkshire and I’m in the south east of England! She had her baby a year ago (my first grandchild) and it’s been so difficult being so far away. Her PIL are about an hour away and now she has gone back to work part time PIL are doing the child care on her working days. Grandson loves the PIL - but I understand because they are more familiar.
I go up when I can but travelling isn’t cheap (petrol for driving or train tix) and DD and her DH don’t really want people staying at their house (I understand) it’s expensive to stay elsewhere. So I can’t go up as much as I would like to.
But I message most days, I’ve stayed up through the night with her (remotely) when grandson wasn’t sleeping - just to support, we FaceTime every week, leave regular voice notes etc.
Occasionally I do an online food shop for them and get it delivered (treat things and baby food and bits and bobs - I know they have really appreciated that)
I am very careful not to offer advice/question things unless asked and I definitely bite my tongue when I want to say ‘well, I didn’t do that for you and you turned out ok’ ….as things have changed so much! Lol!

good luck and enjoy being a great granny!

When you text/whatsapp her, particularly in the early days, keep questions to a minimum. So instead of "how much sleep did you get last night?", say "I hope you're getting a couple of hours stretch at least!". It lessens the pressure to reply.

Once you're home again, if she says she's having a hard day, maybe offer to deliveroo her some cake from a nearby cafe, or send her a just eat voucher so she doesn't have to make dinner.

Cook meals in your airbnb and get her a good freezer stash of meals that can be heated up easily/eaten one handed.

That's lovely that you want to get an an air bnb, I suggested that to my mum and she took it very badly, as if she's not welcome in my house.

It is a fine line between being helpful and being in the way.

When you visit, don't just visit - help! Food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry. Taking the baby isn't always helpful so don't be pushy with the cuddles.

Basically the more helpful you are to the parents at this early stage, the more welcome you'll be at later stages. And that's when the children can start to form life long memories of their grandmother.

My eldest is in reception and every time something special happens e.g getting star of the week my lovely MIL posts him a prize. Just a little something, chocolate coins or a Lego toy. He loves it!

I second this absolutely. Postcards, lots of images of things they might not normally see: places, exotic animals, art works, anything! And buy them writing things - nice pencils and pens when bigger, note cards and letter writing sets, note books. Get them scribbling. Proper post is lovely as PP said and it is great for reading and writing and general knowledge.

Oh, and my MIL filled my freezer for me with hoemcooked stuff. At my request (she is a wonderful cook) - if you do make an offer, leave it with them as a thought, just in case this is not for them.

My parents live 200 miles away and have a great relationship with my 3 year old. I do t think they have done anything specific just been themselves. We see each other every few months. They aren't in her face demanding anything from her but will get involved and play or read stories with her

Don't panic about distance too much - we lived on another continent from both our parents until ds was nearly 5yo and he has a fab relationship with all his grandparents. Quality time is more important than quantity. Enjoy!

My mum used to talk on the phone to my nwice alot, probably for about an hour once a week. Read her stories over the phone etc. That was before facetime, so you can also connect regularly like this

it might help to have some regular slots to phone / facetime. If the baby has a routine, then it is easier for everyone to know that granny calls around 11am on Tuesdays and Fridays or whatever. That way you avoid missed calls / someone feeling left out etc.

My mum was a long distance Granny and was really good at it. She loved getting whatsapp and emailed pictures and embraced facetime enthusiastically. She'd often "have dinner" with ds - she'd be on face time.playing peekaboo and chatting and he'd be eating. It was especially good when he was going through a challenging food phase.

She didn't post stuff but she always turned up with gifts and used to treat all of us when she visited or vice versa. In fact, when she died we found a box of bits she had obviously been buying ahead of Christmas, including gifts for her unborn grandchild.

Her and I weren't close but I hugely appreciated her when my dc were little. She came when ds was born and was brilliant - made tea, tidied up, entertained random guests when I felt overwhelmed, took the baby for a few hours so I could sleep etc. I wouldn't have made it through my mild PND without her.

She was also good about remembering events etc as the dc got older, especially for my older nieces and nephews. So would send messages to wish them luck for a school play or ring to find out how a doctors appointment went. Sometimes it felt like she was the only person on the planet who had the exact same worries and concerns re my ds as I did. That was something I missed a lot when she died. She also told me all the time what a great job I was doing, even when I was clearly in a complete state!

MiL is also surprisingly good as a long distance granny and spends hours on facetime with dd. She will quite happily sit and chat while dd tells her about every barbie, every LOL doll, every plushy she owns. The woman is a Saint!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

We live in Yorkshire and MIL lived in the North East. She used to visit regularly and was always welcome. She helped me a lot - cooked, cleaned, washed up etc. She never expected to be waited on, but wanted to help us.

My biggest piece of advice is please do NOT say "in my day etc etc". That was the only thing that bugged me, and she said it a lot.

In MIL's day a lot of things they used to do with babies is downright dangerous - wrapping a child up with a high temperature in blankets, putting rusk in formula are two that spring to mind

Congratulations!! I live in London and my parents are in Yorkshire. These are things that have worked for us (although they might not for everyone!)

My baby was early and very poorly (born in 2021 so various covid restrictions) so my parents only met her when she was around a month old for the first time, but the first weekend they came, they obviously had lots of baby cuddles but also cleaned my house and cooked lots of food for me. Which was so nice for me to have my mums cooking and gave DH a break from looking after me and DD.

She also has a stash of everything we need at her house. I would make regular trips to see her during my mat leave without DH on the train as i could just take a few clothes for me in the changing bag knowing that there were some of my toiletries, baby clothes, toys, sterilisers for expressing, books, white noise machine, swaddles, sleep sacks etc all at my mum's house. It makes it such a home from home for DD. Now she's bigger, we also have special toys at Grandma's house.

We also bought a thing that attaches to the tv so we can video call through the two tvs and see each other on a big screen. DD (now 2) absolutely LOVES playing hide and seek / peekaboo through the tv with my mum. It's the cutest thing. Now she's a toddler, she asks to speak to Grandma on the phone, blowing her kisses etc. It's so lovely.

But generally be a caring, considerate grandparent and you will forge your own path for a lovely relationship with your grandchild.

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say you are coming across as a really lovely and considerate person. All the best for you, and the extended family x

Just want to say it sounds like you are going to be a lovely Nan, you’re obviously caring and thoughtful, and so I’m sure it will all be great and you will naturally develop a lovely relationship and be a great support to your daughter.

Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice. You are all so right about advice changing (for the better) over time. My generation did the best that we knew at the time but we are lucky to have advances in science and medical knowledge so hopefully this old dog isn't too old to learn new ways!
Some things haven't changed though. I had completely forgotten about choosing meals that can be eaten with one hand!

We too booked an air bnb and each morning I sent a text to dd.
How was your night?
Let us know when you're ready for us to come over.
The second week dd and her dh were feeling overwhelmed so dh and I did 2 days sightseeing whilst dd had a break from any visitors at all.

My MIL lives in a different country and these are the things I wish she would do;

• face time to speak to my eldest (3.5yrs)
• when visiting don't put pressure on DIL or DS to do things for you, make your own cups of tea, offer to make dinner etc
• when visiting offer to babysit so they can go out for a date night together (more for when they're older)
• or offer to mind the baby so they can do any bits they need to around the house without the worry of entertaining the little one or so your DIL can get to have a baby free shower and time to make herself feel human! This gives them a bit of a break and also is GREAT bonding time for you and the baby
• more for when they're older and you visit, see activities through to the end, if they want to get a set of play dough out, don't just play for 5 mins with them and disappear, play with them, interact, use your imagination, ask them questions, then encourage them to tidy up. This is more for when they want you to play with them or if they are doing something that needs supervision.

Hope this helps! Xx

I noticed through the years with my MIL that the kids are really not great at making conversation on the phone - until they are about 8 or 9 they don't really offer up any information off their own bat so you need to be quite skilful to keep the conversation going. I've seen my kids' old primary school teacher do this well - she updates the kids on thing that they remember from school, and asks them questions that are easy to answer. I could imagine that telling stories could be good as well on facetious, anything that allows communication without asking much of the kids.
I think it's lovely that you're thinking about this by the way!

The word that stood out for me was perfect. Don't try to be perfect.

My DC have one set of grandparents
Close and the other far away. They have a good relationship with both.

Being there to help. Cooking etc in those early days. Air bnb nearby to not intrude sounds a great start.

If they say no, or don't take you up on an offer then thats also probably a no.

Praise them for being great parents and help to grow their confidence. Only offer advice if asked. Bite your tongue.

@RampantIvy
"In MIL's day a lot of things they used to do with babies is downright dangerous - wrapping a child up with a high temperature in blankets, putting rusk in formula are two that spring to mind"
How old is she? I'm granny age-and things like these were considered dangerous in my young patenting days!

@CurlewKate. She died four years ago aged 90. She had her babies in 1950, 1952 and 1954. I'm granny age (64) and now that these things are dangerous.

My Mum lives a similar distance away though she lives close to my sister. My sisters children she spent regular time with, but during around regular life, my DD she set aside time for they would come stay take her out of nursery then in the school holidays for a special day , Thomas the Tank engine, Corfe Castle etc.
Mum also came when DD was poorly and I had to work.
Now DD is older mum started a reuse able advent calendar a parcel arrives with wrapped numbered parcels - last year at 19 and at uni one day was a canned cocktail. She has been once and stayed overnight where DD is at uni and taken her for a meal and then to the supermarket - my mum put fruit and veg in the trolley my dad put crisps chocolate and ice cream!
If you are further away it is about making the time quality.

For immediately after the birth please actually be helpful. Take meals, do the cooking, do the washing, run the hoover round, get the shopping in. When you leave leave them with a freezer full of instant meals and a fridge full of one-handed snacks.

When you stay don't assume they will want you for tea every night and they have enough in to feed you and cook it for you. That gives them the job of hosting and when you've had your nether regions torn apart you don't want to be hosting. Take food for them and cook it for them.
Don't half do a job. If you do the washing up then don't leave dry things out because you don't know where to put them, ask them where they go and put them there. Same with doing washing, don't put it in the machine and leave before you've hung it up for them/taken it in.

Please don't hold the baby for long periods, even if they are asleep and seemingly content. Particularly if mum is breastfeeding as the baby being far away means she may miss feeding cues and feel she needs to do all those things she can't do while holding a baby and it can damage her milk supply.

These are my basic tips from experience of 'helpful' family visitors the last 2 weeks. Those initial few weeks will show your child/their partner what sort of supportive grandparent you want to be to their new family unit.

Let them find their own way and also bear in mind that advice has changed a lot since you had your babies and it's always changing.

My MIL, particularly when they were babies, always used to offer advice, but actually, they were largely either dated or based on old wives tales! If they are really struggling then try to be tactful with advice, and maybe have a quick google first to see if it's still relevant! If I had a penny for every time I was told my babies are cold judging by their hands and feet....