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Original poster

To be sad about what dc have said about relationships?

93 replies

bitsadreally · 04/06/2023 08:44

I have two sons, 14 & 16. I split with their dad about 10 years ago and have been single ever since, as has he. Both dc are adamant that they won't have children and will live alone, which makes me feel really sad, especially the latter part. It also makes me feel guilty - as if ex and I have given them such an awful model of relationships that they have been put off for life. It's not something that's discussed a lot, but when it is, I feel shit.

The relationship while we were together was okayish. We split due to infidelity on his part, which the dc have never known about (obviously it didn't last) but the marriage had fizzled out by then really anyway. They see ex very regularly and, while he's not great, there have been no major dramas. The split itself seemed to go remarkably smoothly as far as the dc were concerned - no tears, no rows and ex saw them daily at the marital home for the first year, which seemed to aid the transition. They never begged us to get back together or anything like that. They stay at his four nights per fortnight now, and I know they get fed up with moving stuff between houses but again, not a huge deal and ex only lives a 5 minute drive away (it's walkable but I do lots of driving back and fore when needed). Ex and I don't get on in that we don't really speak but there have been a number of events/incidents over the years where we have been together and civil and it's fine.

I just worry that in both staying single, which I know is unusual, we have failed to give a positive model of relationships and they think being on your own is normal and desirable. We also don't have a large extended family on either side so that doesn't help either. Neither ex nor I have large friendship groups that the dc benefit from- he has friends he sees through his hobby but the dc are never involved, and I am focused on work with a very small group of friends. We moved just before splitting and had had a larger circle of family-based friends before then, but one was the person ex cheated with and, while it would have been possible to keep in touch with the others after we moved (20 minute drive), I didn't want to as it reminded me of his cheating and they knew her, so I essentially ghosted them all, which I regret now and, again, this feels like I have let the dc down.

Both dc seem to have a goodish circle of friends. Ds1 is part of a large group and has never had what I would call a best friend (or b/gf) but seems very happy and is out quite a lot. Ds2 has a smaller circle and is out less and online more. He's more of a worry but, again, does seem happy.

I just worry that they are both consigning themselves to a lonely life because of us. Does anyone have experience of similar issues and how have they worked out?

OP posts:
Teabab · 04/06/2023 08:47

It's better than modelling a toxic relationship though OP. Honestly they're still young really, they might stay single and build a perfectly happy and fulfilling life, or they might not know what they want until they meet someone they love. I think dating and relationships in general now are different to even a decade or so ago, please don't feel guilty for one moment about this!

iLovee · 04/06/2023 08:49

Teens say a lot of stupid things. I wouldn't believe what they say in this instance!

I do understand why you're sad about it though ❤️

Asterales · 04/06/2023 08:54

My parents had a hideous, toxic marriage (they're still together) and it poisoned my childhood. I've known since I was a child that I'd never get married, and I haven't. I've had very happy relationships and have a child (I'm still with his dad and we're all happy) so I do think that what you observe/experience as a child shapes your choices, but that can be a very positive thing. There's nothing wrong with them wanting a lifestyle that feels right for them, irrespective of why that feeling has arisen.

101dalmatians · 04/06/2023 08:56

I said the same things to my dad at a similar age, after witnessing a marriage breakdown between him and my stepmother, with lots of animosity and toxicity on each side.

12 or so years later, I’m living with my wonderful partner, our two young children and we’ve just bought our first home. As a pp said, don’t take too much notice of what they say now (although, of course, I can see why it might be a worry).

Awrite · 04/06/2023 08:56

I suspect I said I wanted to stay single when I was a teenager.

I take it they both feel loved by you and their Dad? Then, they will be fine.

Valour · 04/06/2023 08:58

I wouldn't worry too much about it OP. My teens said the same (and I worried!) but then they change their minds and change them back and then back again. It's important to teach kids not to feel stuck in unhappy relationships imo (this is how I feel after my parents' divorce, in circumstances that sound similar to yours. I'm very glad my mum left my dad and very very proud of her.)

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 04/06/2023 09:01

Every teenager I know says they don’t want children or a relationship and honestly it makes me so happy. Many will change their mind. Don’t take it personally OP.

AutumnLeaves5 · 04/06/2023 09:09

You don’t know what choices they will make in the future…but living alone and being single does not mean lonely. I love living alone, have close family/friends and it’s really empowering being comfortably alone and independent. It means I don’t end up in non-ideal relationships because I’m lonely or scared of being by myself. Focus on giving your children the skills to be independent, to know their own mind and that it’s ok to not conform to society’s (or your parents!) misconceptions.

Fairymother · 04/06/2023 09:10

They are still very young. At 14 i just hd my very first break up and it was really horrible for me. I swore to everyone who would listen that i would never date again and definitely wouldnt get married and have kids. I got married at 21 and we have kids now

Lovingitallnow · 04/06/2023 09:13

My cousin who's parents had a bad break up said this to me around 19 or 20 or so and was adamant that marriage is a huge mistake and can destroy lives. I was a guest at his wedding last year.

SparklingMarkling · 04/06/2023 09:15

Lol my teen boy says this all the time and me and his dad have been happily married for years.

He is going to live on his own, maybe have his friends round to play x-box and he’s definitely not having kids 😂. Honestly, you’re over thinking this. They’re dreaming of bachelor pads that’s all.

highlandspooce · 04/06/2023 09:20

I would smile and nod my head at 14 & 16 years olds if they told me that. I wouldn't take it too seriously.

Freefall212 · 04/06/2023 09:21

I think your belief that their destiny and future is predetermined based on comments made when they are 14 and 16 could use some serious reconsideration.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 04/06/2023 09:21

Yeah, they’re 14 and 16. I’d take what they are saying with a sprinkle of salt!

Don’t worry. You’ve given them a model of not settling when things aren’t right, which is much better than the model
of an unhappy home.

TheyIndeed · 04/06/2023 09:22

Dh and I said that too and meant it fully Grin (been going strong for almost two decades now)

redfacebigdisgrace · 04/06/2023 09:23

I think you’re being hard on yourself. Teenage boys say stuff like this (I have three) and don’t really mean it. Bit of bravado. Please try not to worry. It sounds like you’ve gone a good job navigating the split.

readbooksdrinktea · 04/06/2023 09:23

Why is staying single unusual? It also doesn't mean they'll be lonely. Anyway, they're teenagers. They might change their minds.

Mxflamingnoravera · 04/06/2023 09:24

Mine said the same until recently, he's now met someone and they are about to move in together and he's said he now realises how important family and children are. He's 28. Don't give up hope.
I spilt from his dad when he was 4.

OverTheCountryClub · 04/06/2023 09:25

I said exactly the same as a teen. I was going to remain single, open a bookshop and live somewhere quiet and peaceful with lots of cups of tea and reading. Anyway, in my 30s now and married with 3 dc! I just went through a huge "everyone can fuck off" phase as a teen Grin

EmpressaurusOfCats · 04/06/2023 09:25

They might change their minds if they might not but for some of us, living alone - while being surrounded by family & friends - is the ideal choice. And at 49 I know I was right about not wanting kids.

3luckystars · 04/06/2023 09:26

Most teenagers would say that! Stop overthinking it. What choice did you have? Just stop beating yourself up and say something nice about yourself.

Gtsr443 · 04/06/2023 09:26

Why does living a single life always equate to a lonely life? That's nonsense.
I think this generation are very sensible about questioning the obligation to couple up.
Marriage is dying on its arse. People are torn to pieces with custody battles.
Plus they're young men. They're planning on a fabulous free life of uncomplicated shagging with no responsibility.

Fairyliz · 04/06/2023 09:27

My parents had a hideous marriage that broke down after lots of fighting and infidelity which I knew about (think the whole street did!)
I got married and have stayed married for 35 years. You just have to meet the right person

SauceForTheGoose · 04/06/2023 09:28

There's nothing wrong with living alone. Not having to compromise for a start. If that's what they want and are happy then it's all well. They may well change their minds. Try not to worry too much.

MightWriteNight · 04/06/2023 09:30

Teens say all sorts of things. They might change their minds, they might not. Kids
aren’t for everyone. Nothing wrong with that. But either way I think you should feel proud you have modeled how to have a full and fulfilling life as a single person, and that happiness isn’t dependent on other people. You’re doing great!