To be sad about what dc have said about relationships?

[bitsadreally]

I have two sons, 14 & 16. I split with their dad about 10 years ago and have been single ever since, as has he. Both dc are adamant that they won't have children and will live alone, which makes me feel really sad, especially the latter part. It also makes me feel guilty - as if ex and I have given them such an awful model of relationships that they have been put off for life. It's not something that's discussed a lot, but when it is, I feel shit.

The relationship while we were together was okayish. We split due to infidelity on his part, which the dc have never known about (obviously it didn't last) but the marriage had fizzled out by then really anyway. They see ex very regularly and, while he's not great, there have been no major dramas. The split itself seemed to go remarkably smoothly as far as the dc were concerned - no tears, no rows and ex saw them daily at the marital home for the first year, which seemed to aid the transition. They never begged us to get back together or anything like that. They stay at his four nights per fortnight now, and I know they get fed up with moving stuff between houses but again, not a huge deal and ex only lives a 5 minute drive away (it's walkable but I do lots of driving back and fore when needed). Ex and I don't get on in that we don't really speak but there have been a number of events/incidents over the years where we have been together and civil and it's fine.

I just worry that in both staying single, which I know is unusual, we have failed to give a positive model of relationships and they think being on your own is normal and desirable. We also don't have a large extended family on either side so that doesn't help either. Neither ex nor I have large friendship groups that the dc benefit from- he has friends he sees through his hobby but the dc are never involved, and I am focused on work with a very small group of friends. We moved just before splitting and had had a larger circle of family-based friends before then, but one was the person ex cheated with and, while it would have been possible to keep in touch with the others after we moved (20 minute drive), I didn't want to as it reminded me of his cheating and they knew her, so I essentially ghosted them all, which I regret now and, again, this feels like I have let the dc down.

Both dc seem to have a goodish circle of friends. Ds1 is part of a large group and has never had what I would call a best friend (or b/gf) but seems very happy and is out quite a lot. Ds2 has a smaller circle and is out less and online more. He's more of a worry but, again, does seem happy.

I just worry that they are both consigning themselves to a lonely life because of us. Does anyone have experience of similar issues and how have they worked out?

They're 14 and 16 OP - I really wouldn't worry too much! Teens say all kinds of things, but they're still children - they honestly have no idea what they'll want or do in their 20s, 30s, 40s. My DH told his parents he was never going to get married or have DC and he did and we have two. I have several female friends who said they'd never have kids and they all have at least one.

Even if parents have been horrible role models, once DC grow up they often decide to do things differently/better than their parents did. My parents divorced and remarried two horrible people, so my models of parenting were of two toxic partnerships, yet I was determined not to repeat what they did and I haven't. Just nod and smile. I can't even remember what stupid stuff I said at 14 and 16, but it definitely isn't what I've done!

All the people saying ‘Don’t worry, they’ll change their minds’ - maybe they will, maybe they won’t. But if they do decide they’re happiest single and / or childfree - then THAT’S ABSOLUTELY FINE.

What would not be absolutely fine would be if they allowed themselves to be pressured into relationships & kids because of social / family expectations. If someone expressed sympathy for me because I’d chosen a lifestyle that didn’t match theirs I’d think they were an idiot.

Why would it make you feel like you've failed? If they grow up happy and knowing what they want (whether that's being single or in a relationship) that's all that matters. Being single and child free is not a failure.

Even in my late 20s I was adamant that I wouldn’t have children, but I do now.

Things change.

1 in 3 adults in the UK (some regional variation) live alone. It's not actually unusual. My teen ds says he wants to live alone/stay single. If that ends up being the case and he's happy that's fine by me.
Relationships can be wonderful but they can also be a headfuck and affect your mental health if you end up in the wrong one.

I'm very happy being alone, am sure that has some bearing on his comments, and obviously when love comes along we can all change our minds. Loneliness however is very different and is something I've only ever felt in relationships.

I think by managing your split like grown-ups, and showing it's better to be apart than in a failing relationship, you have given them a robust sense of self and independence. You should be proud of that.

They say they don't want relationships now. But what boys want at 16 and what they want at 25-30 are often very different. The body matures physically by about 19, the brain doesn't catch up until about 24.

Look at it the other way OP. You (and your ex) living a happy and content single life has shown your children that they don't need to be in a relationship or a nuclear family to be happy. That's a positive, a lot of people pursue the family + kids model at the expense of what they actually want because they don't realise there can be an alternative.

Obviously what teenagers insist their life will be like won't necessarily pan out but if it does that isn't necessarily a bad thing, if that's what they continue to want.

I’m confused why you say it’s sad?
I’ve never been in a relationship, never wanted to, now in my late 30’s.
I’m happy, living the way I want, isin’t that the important part.
Do you/ why would you feel sad for me / your kids / someone who lived like this?
It’s pretty condescending and rude tbh…

A family member was the same at 14. She is in her early 30's now and her mindset has not changed. She has never had a relationship other than a FWB, which she ended when he said he wanted a more committed relationship. She adores her nieces and nephews but absolutely does not want DC's of her own. She took voluntary redundancy from the only job she's had since she was 18 and is off on a 6 month adventure in the next few weeks. She is far from lonely (she has a very full social life), and doesn't feel she has "missed out" on anything.

There are many who are happy and fulfilled being single and childfree and many who are in relationships and have children but still feel lonely. Maybe your DC's will change their mind, maybe they won't but keep your thoughts about how you feel about it private. The above family member's mother didn't and now my family member is LC with her bordering on NC. Don't risk the same happening to you and you DC's in the future.

Also I didn't enjoy much about growing up in my particular nuclear family, and that's obviously influenced my decision not to have one as an adult. Absolutely not a negative though - I have exactly the life I want and I'm very happy with it.

When you've only ever lived with your parents it's normal to crave control and autonomy at that age - I expect they are just thinking they don't want to be beholden to anyone or tied down which is really normal - they will probably meet someone and change their mind or live a happily single life. Don't worry too much!!

Do you still feel the way about life now that you did at 16? I certainly don’t. I’m glad I enjoyed the freedom of child free 20’s before I decided actually I did want kids.

Better to wait until they find the right person. It changes everything.

But also I have friends in their 40’s who never wanted relationships and kids and they are happy m.

First of all bear in mind their age. Almost no teenagers want to get married: why would they? Their perspective on marriage is highly unreliable. When I was 14 I wanted to live with the gypsies.

But if they do decide that marriage is not for them is that such a bad thing?

There is far less stigma attached to being single these days. Younger people are concluding (rightly in my view) that marriage is an anachronism and they more empowered to not be shoehorned into marriage just because “that’s what everyone else does”. In many ways I think a single life

offers a lot of advantages and I think it’s good that younger people aspire to this.

In any case the chain of cause and effect between the failure of your parents marriage and your own romantic choices is not clear cut. For every person who eschews marriage because their parents had a bad one, there will be someone who craves marriage. It’s not as binary as you make it sound.

Finally it sounds as if you and your ex have conducted yourselves with dignity and consideration for the children, and far better to separate respectfully than remain in a soul crushingly awful marriage.

Have they ever dated ?
Your situation is quite similar to mine and all 3 have said no to kids but they enjoy dating people. My youngest is 16 and has said the same about living alone. I asked if he'd considered living with friends and he admits that living with his best friend would be a disaster as he's messy while his friend is very tidy.
I think that saying no to kids when you're 14 and 16 is a good thing as I see it as meaning they'd definitely put a condom on when having sex. My son said he wants to spend the money he earns on himself which is not a bad thing imo.
I think that being single is fine. Lots of people have casual relationships and too many people decide to settle down because it feels like the right thing to do. Maybe the brothers will end up living together ?

I really wouldn't worry about what teens say at that age! I can remember saying the same (my parents didn't split up but in those days I saw their marriage and family life as so boring especially for my mother who seemed like a domestic drudge). I also found small children and babies annoying and couldn't imagine wanting one ever. Spoiler - I did get married in my 20s, have two children, still married 23 years later. My son is 18 and he says the same as I did and I just nod and smile. (I definitely dont think this is as a result of our relationship model either.) He's had girlfriends but i dunt think he's been "in love" yet and it will be interesting to see if his view starts to shift when that happens. But anyway, however things end up, living alone and/or deciding to have children are not bad things, they are very valid choices. I'd be more worried if my kids thought they "had" to get married and have children to feel complete. Independence is a great attribute.

I’m dating an introverted guy who never was bothered about getting into a relationship. He changed his mind when he met someone he wanted to be in a relationship with :) The same might happen to yours, they’re both still very young anyway. Kids often like to be negative just because. Even if they continue with this opinion, I’m sure they can still go on to have happy fulfilling lives, as long as they aren’t socially isolated.

They're still children! They have no idea what they'll want in their adult lives and they'll charge their minds several times before they decide on their own path. You're overthinking - try to stop beating yourself up. Just make sure they know they're loved and be there to support them whenever they need it. That's more important than your past relationship with their father. Staying in a miserable marriage would have set a far worse example to them.

Teens have a lot of thoughts and ideals and often those thoughts change as they get older and gain life experiences. I wouldn't over think it

When I was that age, I wanted four kids.

I'd rather tear my eyeballs out than have that many now. I am pregnant though.

You're worrying about bugger all, to be honest.

So long as your kids can pursue and achieve what they want in life, you don't need to impose your idea of what they should want.

Honestly they are teens - right now family life looks v boring and they are imagining themselves with bachelor pads and bars and on lads weekends.

It’s nothing to do with you. Yes a great family life might be the best model but what you have given them as a model is a great deal better than a dysfunctional family life.

When me and my best friend were on our teens we agreed I would stay at home and be the homemaker and she would go to work and earn the money. I remember her mum laughing thinking it was funny.

And then we grew up met our husbands got jobs and had children
What teens say is not exactly set in stone! Don't worry about it.
The only thing I disagreed with is you saying they get fed up moving their stuff back and forth but it's "no big deal". Well, it sounds like a big deal to them so I think you need to do something about that

I had one of these, adamant he’d never have a family, very focused on work, hadn’t had a girlfriend since 17. He’s 26 this year and has fallen head over heels with a woman. He’s talking about marriage and children.
Teens say all sorts of things.

I just worry that in both staying single, which I know is unusual, we have failed to give a positive model of relationships and they think being on your own is normal and desirable.

That's one of the most offensive things I've read on hear about single people