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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is having children that miserable

123 replies

yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:15

Not ATAAT but noticed lately a lot of people complaining about annoying children and how miserable parenting is.
I have 4 adult children.
What are peoples true thoughts of being a parent.

OP posts:
riotlady · 03/06/2023 20:42

Best and hardest thing I’ve ever done! Loved having a baby and 5yo DD is broadly a delight, found the toddler years a nightmare though

Original poster
yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:43

@orangesoda36 same here. When they were younger it was chaotic but ok. It was when their dad decided he was bored being a parent and f@@ked off that shit got hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:45

@orangesoda36 my kids are now 35,32,31,31.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 03/06/2023 20:45

yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:36

@Dacadactyl my kids will always be my problem. If your child was abused, had a divorce or health problems would you just say it's someone else's problem?

If they were married then tbh I'd expect them and their spouse to face issues together. If they were abused (God forbid) or divorced then they'd have a room at my place til they got on their feet. But I wouldn't be financially supporting my kids well into adulthood, no.

Children with SN would be the exception to this though and I do think yours is a different situation.

whumpthereitis · 03/06/2023 20:46

orangesoda36 · 03/06/2023 20:39

I have 4 kids under 5 (surprise twins last year)

Children are an absolute blessing, yes it's difficult and yes it's chaotic, but the number of people these days that act like it's the hardest thing in the world, it's ridiculous, people need to give their heads a wobble.

It's is genuinely the single most rewarding and important thing you can do with your life. The "child free" movement don't know what they are missing.

One man’s blessing is the curse of another. I don’t think there’s a better or worse way to live, it’s up to each individual.

“The "child free" movement don't know what they are missing.”

We don’t want to, so…

Ash099 · 03/06/2023 20:46

yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:45

@orangesoda36 my kids are now 35,32,31,31.

Maybe they can come to rely on each other , and take some pressure off you on having to be there for everyone all the time

Original poster
yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:47

@Dacadactyl what if their husband cheated and left for OW?
Doubt he'd still be her support then. Oh well

OP posts:
JulieHoney · 03/06/2023 20:48

yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:26

My kids are in their 30's. I wonder if it will ever end.

It doesn't. You're a parent from the day they are born to the day you die. In her final week my Mum was fretting about my brother, who was 50.

I don't think we can assess the joy and pain of having children sensibly because our biological imperitive to have kids, our hormones, that gut-punch of parental love... it all means we're biologically predisposed to say yes, hard but worth it. If it wasn't for that we'd be extinct.

In every study on happiness, single, childfree women are the happiest and healthiest demographic. Married men are happier and live longer than single men, single women are happier and live longer than married women.

That's not to say I regret having children. I made my choice with my eyes open and LOVE my children with all my heart.

Dacadactyl · 03/06/2023 20:48

@yetanothernamechange2018 I've addressed that in my post "they'd have a room at my place until they got on their feet"

orangesoda36 · 03/06/2023 20:49

yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:45

@orangesoda36 my kids are now 35,32,31,31.

Very similar here. 4,3 9m, 9m.

It's relentless but I get so much joy from it every day.

My DH is massively hands on, very equal parenting, but we have zero family support or time together it's hard but worth it.

I'm sure the teenage years and then the adult years will also bring its own challenges but im 100% invested

FernGully43 · 03/06/2023 20:49

CupEmpty · 03/06/2023 20:19

I wonder if it trying to parent in this modern world. Incredible pressure, unobtainable ideals of what a parent should be, no village. I follow some parenting accounts on IG and the doctrine they spout is unobtainable, trying to gentle parent and never loose your cool and always emotionally validate. It’s very different parenting from the way I was raised, where my parents just didn’t try as hard/ care as much.

This.
I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old. And I was spending a lot of time feeling guilty about not doing enough, not being patient enough. Social Media fueling a lot of it.
The last week, I've allowed myself to not be "perfect". That days in the garden are enough, that I won't be able to do all aspects of gentle parenting all the time. I pick out the things that make sense to me and don't beat myself up if I don't follow it 100%.

The last few weeks I've been more relaxed and feeling less guilt which also means my boys have a happier mum. The pressure, the lack of village, social media, so many factors which influence it.

Hazey19 · 03/06/2023 20:49

Bloody hard work and exhausting at times but I would not change it for the world. My life is a million per cent better with them in it x

Theeternalrocksbeneath · 03/06/2023 20:51

orangesoda36 · 03/06/2023 20:39

I have 4 kids under 5 (surprise twins last year)

Children are an absolute blessing, yes it's difficult and yes it's chaotic, but the number of people these days that act like it's the hardest thing in the world, it's ridiculous, people need to give their heads a wobble.

It's is genuinely the single most rewarding and important thing you can do with your life. The "child free" movement don't know what they are missing.

The child free movement know exactly what they’re “missing” and are very happy to do so! Single most rewarding and important thing my arse 😄

89redballoons · 03/06/2023 20:52

Mine are only little (3 and 1) so I'm sure I've got lots of ups and downs to come.

What I have noticed so far, though, is that objectively yes, there are parts of parenting that are miserable. Sleep deprivation, dealing with someone else's poo and vomit, playing "doggie bus drivers" for the 41st time this week, dealing with toddler tantrums guaranteed to push my buttons, much curtailed social life and sex life, worry about the future etc etc. On paper it does sound miserable and if I was doing it all for someone else's kid, I'd hate it.

However, it only sounds miserable on paper because it's difficult to capture the love I have for them on paper. I just have to look at them and I smile. I can't believe how cute and beautiful and clever they are, and that I made them!

So - objectively miserable but subjectively, completely wonderful and worth it.

Schooldinners1 · 03/06/2023 20:52

orangesoda36 · 03/06/2023 20:39

I have 4 kids under 5 (surprise twins last year)

Children are an absolute blessing, yes it's difficult and yes it's chaotic, but the number of people these days that act like it's the hardest thing in the world, it's ridiculous, people need to give their heads a wobble.

It's is genuinely the single most rewarding and important thing you can do with your life. The "child free" movement don't know what they are missing.

It's is genuinely the single most rewarding and important thing you can do with your life. The "child free" movement don't know what they are missing.

this is a bit much. I firmly believe not everyone is meant to be a parent and no one should feel pressured into doing so to keep others happy.

If people don’t want kids I say good! Better than another child growing up in a bad way.

RailwayCutting · 03/06/2023 20:52

I found one baby ok (but a bit lonely sometimes when on mat leave.) I found a baby and toddler very hard as dd2 was quite a highly strung baby and dd1 got jealous.
After that I found it got easier as time went on and they've been fine as teenagers. Eldest at uni now

RailwayCutting · 03/06/2023 20:53

Just to add I've enjoyed their company after the baby and toddler years and they are fun as teenagers

MummyJ36 · 03/06/2023 20:54

It has its moments of being soul crushingly hard and I actually find it’s in no way related to my kids themselves, it’s just how much pressure you can put on yourself sometimes to be “perfect”. Having kids forced me to look at the way I approach things in life, particularly as you don’t have the luxury of burying your head in the sand and often have to tackle things head on. It’s not something I was used to doing beforehand. I can be very avoidant of things. And that can be difficult to face when it’s been a coping mechanism up until that point. But it has made me more resilient, and I hope a better parent.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 03/06/2023 20:55

Absolutely love it and wish I had started earlier so that I could have had more.

Original poster
yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:56

@Dacadactyl one of my kids got in an abusive relationship over 2 years ago. They needed a lot more than a room. I'm still suffering the fall out now. Job loss and mental health problems.
Don't mean to get at you but not every ones kids grow up and have good lives leaving us parents free to relax and enjoy life when we're older.
Not all of us can offload our kids to a decent husband/wife and it's not our problem any more.

OP posts:
DeflatedAgain · 03/06/2023 20:56

I'm 6 months in and exhausted haha, only another 6 years to go before I can maybe have a lie in....🙏

thebigbattle · 03/06/2023 20:58

The answers you get could very much depend on children's ages.

Babies, toddlers, preschool, primary and early secondary school years are easy.

Things can change when your lovely kids become teenagers.

I'm having quite a rough time at the moment and, if I'd known then what I know now, I may have decided not to have children.

I seem to be living on my nerves all the time and am continually exhausted.

If I didn't have children I'd literally be travelling the world.

I'm currently quite envious of people with no children!

Dacadactyl · 03/06/2023 20:59

@yetanothernamechange2018 yeah fair enough. It was my dad who said it though, not me. (Although I will admit i have some sympathy for his POV)

I will say that if my kids were adults and my own mental health and finances were under strain, then I would have to tell them "no, I can't do this."

ton29 · 03/06/2023 20:59

Thank you for this positive thread. So much doom and gloom about on here

twistyizzy · 03/06/2023 20:59

My DD is the thing I'm most proud of in my whole life and raising her has been an utter joy for 99% of the time. I have loved re-discovering the world through her eyes and challenging my own preconceptions by having to explain them to her. She brings a feeling of completeness to my life.
However I fully respect anyone who either choses/is unable to have children and i would never say that they are missing out because I'm sure that their lives are richer in areas that mine isn't.