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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is having children that miserable

123 replies

yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:15

Not ATAAT but noticed lately a lot of people complaining about annoying children and how miserable parenting is.
I have 4 adult children.
What are peoples true thoughts of being a parent.

OP posts:
alittlequinnie · 03/06/2023 20:28

I've got a daughter and two grandsons - they have all brought me so much joy - and I've never had a cross word with my daughter.

I love being a Mum/Grandma - days out/holidays are amazing with them - so much love!

I was never dreading summer holidays etc - always loved having more time with my daughter and use all my annual leave to spend with them all!

Schooldinners1 · 03/06/2023 20:29

DarkWingDuck · 03/06/2023 20:25

For me, I hated being a mother for the for the first few years. Now I love it. My DS brings something very special to life that Is quite indescribable and something I could never have understood before I had children, and something I would find hard to articulate now. I wouldn’t change it for the world but it if I hadn’t have had him, I don’t think I would miss it.

This is how I feel. When people ask if I want more I always think why not if I had the money for a surrogate and then a nanny to help out during the first few years. Just being honest!

I think parenting when you have money is great.

Having several without being able to look after myself and have treats would just be hell for me.

I’m not that selfless. I’m not letting go of my pleasures just so I can have more kids then struggle when it comes to holidays, activities and affording hobbies etc.

Theeternalrocksbeneath · 03/06/2023 20:29

Best thing I never did. I am absolutely sure that many, many people embrace and adore having children but going from my experiences of the people I know who did have children, remarkably few have anything positive to say about it. Most have regrets, and I honestly don’t think that any of them have the strong relationship with their partner that I have with mine.

Original poster
yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:29

I though I was done and dusted but I've found that even when your kids are adults you still have to deal with their problems.

OP posts:
Questionsforyou · 03/06/2023 20:30

I have 2 under 5. I love it. I don't find it hard. The bit I find hard is the cost. I worry about money a lot.

Daffodilmorning · 03/06/2023 20:31

Mine are very young so I might be speaking too soon, but I love having children.

Some bits are hard, but it’s honestly the best thing I’ve ever done and I enjoy them both so much. Let’s see if I feel the same way when they are teenagers!

Dacadactyl · 03/06/2023 20:31

yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:29

I though I was done and dusted but I've found that even when your kids are adults you still have to deal with their problems.

What problems are the having that you find yourself having to get involved in though?

My parents would take a dim view of me needing ongoing support of any great description at my age (37). My dad actually said when I got married "phew, you're someone else's problem now" 😂

Wicksytricksy · 03/06/2023 20:32

I love it more than anything, it is a joy but it's also often relentless and thankless.

Mine are only little but I worry about use of tech and how young people are always available and connected to each other. Friends with teens and pre teens have trouble with bullying, mean messages, dick pics etc and it's a world away from my experience growing up in the 90s. I worry I won't be able to help my DC navigate that.

moonlitnoir · 03/06/2023 20:32

Comparing my life before and after children, I much prefer my life with them. They have brought so much love and joy to me and I would have been so sad if I had never experienced that.

Tinybrother · 03/06/2023 20:34

Dacadactyl · 03/06/2023 20:31

What problems are the having that you find yourself having to get involved in though?

My parents would take a dim view of me needing ongoing support of any great description at my age (37). My dad actually said when I got married "phew, you're someone else's problem now" 😂

Show quote history

And if you got divorced you would be their “problem” again..?

Schooldinners1 · 03/06/2023 20:34

Dacadactyl · 03/06/2023 20:23

Tbh I was pleasantly surprised when I had kids because I had literally ZERO expectations of it and didn't think it was going to be some sort of great life affirming experience.

I thought "fuck, I'm pregnant, I'm 21 and in no way ready for this" and then (if I say so myself) did a good job of it.

Think it must be harder if you think "right, my life's all sorted and now kids are gonna be the absolute cherry on the top".

I went in thinking "oh shit" and have come out enjoying it for the most part. Although, our 2nd child has been harder to raise because he is similar to me and there's a personality clash there, but both of them are great kids really.

I became pregnant in my late 20’s but I do agree I think when you’re younger it’s much easier to cope with the changes and your energy for tackling life’s challenges must be higher.

I know so many girls who were teen mums and they’ve gone on to build amazing lives. They’re in their early 30’s with teenagers now.

Especially in London, continued with their education and have great careers now and also ended up with a nice lifetime tenancy in Central London most could only dream of these days!

Original poster
yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:34

@Dacadactyl I have 2 adult children with SN.
They were doing ok and then one had a massive problem with work that I now have to deal with. My life had to go on hold to support him

OP posts:
JustanothermagicMonday1 · 03/06/2023 20:34

I think my life would have been really easy and boring without multiple DC.

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 03/06/2023 20:35

Aw no I love it! It’s got hard since I had my 3rd (props to you with 4 OP!) but am hoping it will get easier once she’s not a toddler and our extension is done! Oldest is 8 and it feels like a real spread at the moment. 2 kids was too easy!

Dacadactyl · 03/06/2023 20:35

yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:34

@Dacadactyl I have 2 adult children with SN.
They were doing ok and then one had a massive problem with work that I now have to deal with. My life had to go on hold to support him

Ah well that is different. Parenting a child with SN must be more challenging.

Original poster
yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:36

@Dacadactyl my kids will always be my problem. If your child was abused, had a divorce or health problems would you just say it's someone else's problem?

OP posts:
Freeballing · 03/06/2023 20:36

yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:29

I though I was done and dusted but I've found that even when your kids are adults you still have to deal with their problems.

I'm curious what type of problems too? Like if it is job loss or relationship breakdowns etc I would imagine you just sympathise, say you are there if they need specific help but ultimately it is down to them to deal with their own problems. I had an abusive childhood so am not in contact with my parents so don't really have a 'norm' to gauge it from.

kenstaylor · 03/06/2023 20:37

its really the hardest thing to do because some days it’s absolutely draining, having a child scream at you for getting the wrong colour crisp and at the same time knowing I wouldn’t be as strong and determined as I am if I didn’t have mine

MumsyMalone · 03/06/2023 20:38

I absolutely love being a mum and would do it all over again in a heartbeat. My DS makes everything better and my life is vastly more interesting. But I also refuse to martyr myself- I have a full time job I love, DS is in full time nursery and I don’t feel guilty. We still travel loads, have days and meals out, DS just comes with us. I realise this isn’t everyone’s experience, but I’ve never been haopier.

Dacadactyl · 03/06/2023 20:38

Tinybrother · 03/06/2023 20:34

And if you got divorced you would be their “problem” again..?

Show quote history

Potentially yes, but I'm not sure. No-one really gets divorced in either of our families so he wouldn't have been thinking about divorce when he said it tbh.

They're hundreds of miles away so wouldn't be much help in any event.

febrezeme · 03/06/2023 20:38

Nope never

I suppose I think some people who post on those threads just don't know how lucky they are - they are usually also in a committed relationship/marriage with the father and so not doing it alone like many single mothers have to so I admit to being a bit 😳

Ash099 · 03/06/2023 20:39

yetanothernamechange2018 · 03/06/2023 20:29

I though I was done and dusted but I've found that even when your kids are adults you still have to deal with their problems.

You sound like an amazing mum, willing to help and care for them but sorry to hear it sounds like it is a tough time. Can you elaborate as I am thinking perhaps you dont need to take it all on? I think you said they are in their 30s

My own parents didnt care so much/not invested in us kids, and they remain like this as (in our 30s). Wouldn't even think to ask them for anything but it is a lonely place. Dont know if a village exists in modern day, but I do yearn for that in an ideal world

orangesoda36 · 03/06/2023 20:39

I have 4 kids under 5 (surprise twins last year)

Children are an absolute blessing, yes it's difficult and yes it's chaotic, but the number of people these days that act like it's the hardest thing in the world, it's ridiculous, people need to give their heads a wobble.

It's is genuinely the single most rewarding and important thing you can do with your life. The "child free" movement don't know what they are missing.

Cakeandcardio · 03/06/2023 20:40

I love my child so so so much. I think he's brilliant and I love the days we have together. But it's still very hard. We have no support. I'm very jealous of people who have mums to watch their kids whilst they pop to the shops or go out for dinner etc. But I still wouldn't change it for the world. My life was certainly a little emptier before we have our child.

Whydoievenbother · 03/06/2023 20:41

Relentless. I have a toddler so not sure how long I'll feel this way. I find it both physical and mentally exhausting. I'm a SAHM, with a DH who doesn't do much. As much as I love my DC, I often wonder if I made a mistake. I miss my old life and the old me, and being able to sleep in