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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay classy or tell his family he’s a cheater?

87 replies

breezinthrough · 03/06/2023 04:57

You know you’ve been scorned when your awake at 4am with endless scenarios going around your head.

Basically, me and DP were engaged, had a baby, i became resentful of him when he just failed to be sharing the parental responsibilities that I thought he would step up to. Many arguments were had.

One, two, skip a few, we ended up breaking up about 2 months ago. Baby was 8 months old. DP went extremely cold on me, didn’t want to work things out, tried therapy briefly, he didn’t want to continue trying. No compassion when moving out, just basically felt like I meant nothing to him anymore.

About two months before we broke up, a girl started working for him and his family. About a month in, I started getting this gut feeling that DP was into her. I’ve never had this feeling with him ever before, I was always his number 1, I never felt threatened by anyone or felt his eyes wandering or anything. You know when something just doesn’t sit right with you?!

So I’ve just found out, because I asked EX DP directly if there was/is anything going on between the two of them. And low and behold- there is.

So here’s my question~ do I stay classy, be the bigger person, say nothing.

OR

text into his family watsapp group either “accidentally on purpose” about it (like as if the message was for just him hehe) or just basically say something along the lines of “now I know why he was able to leave our little family so easily seeing as X was in the picture” / “am I the last to know about X and Y?”

I think the majority of here will say leave it but if you are a petty bitch like me lemme know what you’d say!

YABU- say nothing.stay classy girl
YANBU - be petty, let his parents see what a dirt bag he is

OP posts:
araiwa · 03/06/2023 05:03

Who is he cheating on?

You've split up

Seabreeze18 · 03/06/2023 05:07

Will the family treat u differently with this knowledge? Or will they be angry with him? What are the benefits?

Original poster
breezinthrough · 03/06/2023 05:09

@araiwa she started working for him before we split so cheating then and when I started to get the gut feeling that’s when he just totally started acting like more of a dick than usual and ended the relationship.

OP posts:
PurpleSky300 · 03/06/2023 05:15

Stay classy because ultimately, his family are his family, they will not turn away from him even if he did have an affair.

TheOpenRoad · 03/06/2023 05:16

You can say something but it's unlikely it'll have the effect you think. Sadly, his family will probably shrug and say they're pleased he's moved on and is happy with someone. Speaking from experience...

MrsRickAstley · 03/06/2023 05:17

Start looking forward not back and be extremely grateful he's no longer your problem.

I wouldn't say anything and just focus on your baby.

NumberTheory · 03/06/2023 05:21

He's an idiot not to have realised how life changing a child is and given it time to settle down before he started to check out and allow himself to look around or make a move elsewhere. It hurts to have someone fall out of love with you and it's particularly awful and cruel when they do it while you're pregnant or just given birth. But he was this same immature idiot all the time you've known him, it just hadn't been tested by a baby. You are better off without him.

But while there is no point in protecting him, telling his family about him in order to make them look down on him will likely be less satisfying than you are imagining. And then that will hurt you all over again.

It's very unlikely they will side with you. It sounds like you had significant problems before she was on the scene. And from what you've posted here you have no proof he didn't wait until he'd split with you before sleeping with her. Any emotional attachment to her will just look like a transition after he'd fallen out of love with you that catalysed his realisation he needed to leave. And their first loyalty is to their son, so they are going to look at it from this perspective, not yours.

ZekeZeke · 03/06/2023 05:26

Blood is thicker than water as they say.
Even if you told them, nothing will change. He is still their brother, you are an ex.

Hold your head high and live a wonderful life. You are well rid.

EllandRd · 03/06/2023 05:29

You split up so what he does is none of your business. Grow up

justprance · 03/06/2023 05:58

Do you have evidence that it started before he left?

Either way, stay classy.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 03/06/2023 05:59

‘Accidental’ messages never ever make the sender look good.

standardduck · 03/06/2023 06:02

You split up and he sounds useless.

I would count your blessings and move on. You won't achieve anything by messaging his family.

Focus on your DC and be glad you broke up.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/06/2023 06:06

There are some pretty horrible responses here. It was pretty clear he was cheating before, when he was still with you. I wouldn't put anything in writing, but I would let it be known that I know about it. He sounds a real dick actually, and now he is someone else's problem. That's the only way to look at it I'm afraid.

WandaWonder · 03/06/2023 06:08

If someone came to me with this I would reply 'and? What do you want me to say or do?'

habiller · 03/06/2023 06:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

zoemum2006 · 03/06/2023 06:15

He’s your baby’s father so I’d try to keep as good a relationship with him as possible (while sticking pins in the voodoo doll I’d made of him).

electriclight · 03/06/2023 06:21

If I have understood the timeline correctly, you were already having problems before she started working with him.

So his narrative will be that you were having problems and he was miserable, and he left after a brief exit affair.

If she works with him and his family, they may already know.

If he was miserable before and happy now, they won't care.

If he admitted it to you, knowing you could tell his family, then it's because he knows they won't care.

So I think be the better person. But you now know that, when you were both struggling with a newborn, his response was to avoid pulling his weight, have an affair and then bugger off. It doesn't make him sound or look very good does it. You are now free of this useless person. Other people will draw their own conclusions about him when they see him with a new work colleague and you with a small baby, you don't need to say anything to anyone.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/06/2023 06:25

Well you don't actually know he cheated on you, you just know he's with her now. Likely something was going on, but you have no proof. Sounds like the relationship had issues before her. I would just keep your head high. She isn't worth it, neither is he.

newnamethanks · 03/06/2023 06:27

Keep his family out of it, you'll regret it if you don't.

Oysterbabe · 03/06/2023 06:29

They will take his side and you will look very silly. Everyone will know the message is not an accident.

Fedupofdiets · 03/06/2023 06:32

Saying nothing says more than ten thousand words ever could is usually my experience in most situations. His family will side with him, you will look like a bitter ex trying to stir trouble. Walk away with your head held high and carry on being the best Mum you can be.

Flowerblooms · 03/06/2023 06:36

Did he confirm that something was happening between them before you broke up? Just because he was into her a month in doesn’t mean he was seeing her at that point.
I wouldn’t text anything in the group chat as you won’t come out looking well in the situation.

As hard as it may be to hear it sounds like you were splitting up anyway before she came along as you were unhappy with how he was behaving regarding being a parent.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/06/2023 06:38

What proof do you have that he cheated?

You said you've been arguing and having problems for ages before she started working there.

Yes, he's with her now but you've split up so that's meaningless really.

Chickenkeev · 03/06/2023 06:42

Oysterbabe · 03/06/2023 06:29

They will take his side and you will look very silly. Everyone will know the message is not an accident.

This is spot on. You'll look crazy and his family won't believe you so it'd be pointless/won't achieve anything.

GoodChat · 03/06/2023 06:48

His family are never going to take your side. If they all work together, there's a good chance they already know.