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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay classy or tell his family he’s a cheater?

87 replies

breezinthrough · 03/06/2023 04:57

You know you’ve been scorned when your awake at 4am with endless scenarios going around your head.

Basically, me and DP were engaged, had a baby, i became resentful of him when he just failed to be sharing the parental responsibilities that I thought he would step up to. Many arguments were had.

One, two, skip a few, we ended up breaking up about 2 months ago. Baby was 8 months old. DP went extremely cold on me, didn’t want to work things out, tried therapy briefly, he didn’t want to continue trying. No compassion when moving out, just basically felt like I meant nothing to him anymore.

About two months before we broke up, a girl started working for him and his family. About a month in, I started getting this gut feeling that DP was into her. I’ve never had this feeling with him ever before, I was always his number 1, I never felt threatened by anyone or felt his eyes wandering or anything. You know when something just doesn’t sit right with you?!

So I’ve just found out, because I asked EX DP directly if there was/is anything going on between the two of them. And low and behold- there is.

So here’s my question~ do I stay classy, be the bigger person, say nothing.

text into his family watsapp group either “accidentally on purpose” about it (like as if the message was for just him hehe) or just basically say something along the lines of “now I know why he was able to leave our little family so easily seeing as X was in the picture” / “am I the last to know about X and Y?”

I think the majority of here will say leave it but if you are a petty bitch like me lemme know what you’d say!

YABU- say nothing.stay classy girl
YANBU - be petty, let his parents see what a dirt bag he is

OP posts:

DrMarciaFieldstone · 03/06/2023 08:11

The family won’t care, if he’s really seeing her, she might even have been introduced to them by now, or will be shortly.

Just ignore him and concentrate on your own life, sounds like you’re better off without him

Weallgottachangesometime · 03/06/2023 08:12

The other issue I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned, is the impact of a big blow up drama on your child. Unfortunately you have your child’s while childhood in which you’ll be connected to these people. It’s not like pre-children where you can walk away and have nothing to do with them. They’re your child’s family too. So trying your best to be the bigger person and strive for a good relationship with his family, is likely to benefit your child int he coming years. Obviously that depends on their behaviour too, but you haven’t said much about if his family are generally decent to you or not?

Imstillmagicdamnit · 03/06/2023 08:23

I’m definitely a petty bitch.
“So am I the only one that didn’t know DICK left me and his child for SIDECHICK?”

Would I come off looking bad? Maybe but it’d make me feel a little bit better 🤷🏻‍♀️ lol

beachcitygirl · 03/06/2023 08:26

EllandRd · 03/06/2023 05:29

You split up so what he does is none of your business. Grow up

Why do you keep going on threads @EllandRd just to be horrible? Second time this week.

What the hell? Where is your empathy

LadyOfTheCanyon · 03/06/2023 08:40

It goes without saying that you're going to be painted as the 'crazy ex girlfriend' anywso for a Christ's sake don't give him any ammunition to play with. Keep your head high and move on.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 03/06/2023 08:47

His family may well know.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 03/06/2023 08:47

Think of it as his family being your child‘s family and you may benefit from them not seeing you as a petty bitch (as you describe yourself).
believe me, him leaving you is a good thing. It may take a while to feel like it, but it is

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 03/06/2023 08:50

Ime they won't believe you anyway. Ils never believed their ds was an abusive bully.
Until years later and he tried to punch his own dm. Who was in her 60's...sadly I had no sympathy..

FrenchBoule · 03/06/2023 08:52

Leave his family group chat. Say nothing.

Froffycoffee · 03/06/2023 08:53

LDB1985 · 03/06/2023 08:05

I’m obviously in the minority here but in a similar situation (minus child but 10 year relationship and owning our house together) I chose to cause a big scene in the hotel lobby my ex was temporarily staying in when I found out his parents were going to take him out for a meal to ‘cheer him up’ on my birthday, 2 days after I’d found out he’d been cheating on me, when they hadn’t even checked I was ok! They’d always made me very aware I wasn’t good enough for their son and I wanted to challenge them on that now we knew he was the cheater. Unsurprisingly as everyone on here says, they still backed him and it turned out they’d already known each occasion he’d cheated on me. However it meant I got to (very loudly) highlight their son’s, and their morals, and embarrass them in public. At one point his mum tried to manhandle me out and that escalated things quite a lot as I started shouting that I was being assaulted ha ha!

Anyway everyone expected I’d be mortified after the event, as that is not my personality at all, but it is still one of the proudest moments of my life after years of putting up with being treated very badly, by the three of them and saying nothing, I finally found my voice. It’s some of my friends favourite story about me too. So while I wouldn’t “accidentally” do the what’s app message” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with calling out his bad behaviour to his family if that is important to you, as long as you’re not doing it expecting them to turn against him.

Most importantly whatever you decide, know that if you choose to meet someone else you will find someone a million times better! I’m now happily married to a lovely man with two children and my experience with my ex taught me important life lessons about what I want in a partner-and his family)! Stay strong!

He's their child, there's no scenario where they'd not back him or they'd choose you over him. Sounds like you embarrassed yourself more than them to be honest,

Froffycoffee · 03/06/2023 08:54

If its some of your friends favourite story about you then that's bloody sad!

Sunshineandflipflops · 03/06/2023 09:01

I agree with most of the other posters.

My exh had an affair, after 13 years of marriage and 2 children, with a significantly younger woman at work.

When it all come out, his family took him in and barely asked if I was ok. In fact, in no time at all they were posting photos on social media of them all together.

I had known these people for 25 years and always got on well.

So I would keep your dignity and leave him to it. You saying something doesn’t change what has hapenned.

electriclight · 03/06/2023 09:47

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/06/2023 06:38

What proof do you have that he cheated?

You said you've been arguing and having problems for ages before she started working there.

Yes, he's with her now but you've split up so that's meaningless really.

He admitted it to her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2023 09:48

If you find out they knew and no one told you’ll probably feel worse. I’d let it lie and leave the group. They can see the baby if/when he does.

electriclight · 03/06/2023 09:49

OP, better to rise above it all with dignity.

Also better all round if you get along with his family, as they will be in your dc's life forever.

I'd want his family to be disappointed that he treated you that way, not agreeing with him that you're mad and he's done the right thing getting out.

declutteringmymind · 03/06/2023 09:51

They probably already know.

Createausername1970 · 03/06/2023 10:42

He is the father of your child and they are also your child's relatives.

Revenge is a dish best eaten cold.

Be classy. Stay in touch with his parents, ensure they have the opportunity to get to know their grandchild. Be the perfect DIL they never had, so everyone else is second best compared to you. But do not slag-off DP. Ever.

EasterBreak · 03/06/2023 10:50

Blood is thicker then water they will not care half as much as you do. You will just look like the crazy ex girlfriend causing trouble.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 03/06/2023 10:52

Petty Betty all the way, but that's just me!

FabFitFifties · 03/06/2023 10:52

You won't be telling them anything they didn't already know. Move on and be glad you are rid of him, other than contact arrangements of course. Maintain the moral highground of good mam and decent person.

FabFitFifties · 03/06/2023 10:53

Createausername1970 · 03/06/2023 10:42

He is the father of your child and they are also your child's relatives.

Revenge is a dish best eaten cold.

This exactly

fairydust11 · 03/06/2023 11:00

Yabu - say nothing, they most likely already knew…
Also why are you still in his family whatsapp group?
Leave the group & move on.

Hellno45 · 03/06/2023 11:06

It's his family. They probably already know.

FloydPepper · 03/06/2023 11:06

Firstly, you don’t know he’s cheating. You have no knowledge whatsoever and accusing him after you’ve split up (for other reasons) isn’t a good look.

second, his family won’t believe you (you have no proof as you don’t even know) so random accusations won’t have any impact and will only damage your relationship (with your child’s family)

thirdly, an “accidental” message is straight out of the teenage drama playbook. Grow up

in short, just no.

FloydPepper · 03/06/2023 11:09

electriclight · 03/06/2023 09:47

He admitted it to her.

Show quote history

He admitted there IS something. Now. Not was. We don’t know when it started. If op does she’s not said

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