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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stay classy or tell his family he’s a cheater?

87 replies

breezinthrough · 03/06/2023 04:57

You know you’ve been scorned when your awake at 4am with endless scenarios going around your head.

Basically, me and DP were engaged, had a baby, i became resentful of him when he just failed to be sharing the parental responsibilities that I thought he would step up to. Many arguments were had.

One, two, skip a few, we ended up breaking up about 2 months ago. Baby was 8 months old. DP went extremely cold on me, didn’t want to work things out, tried therapy briefly, he didn’t want to continue trying. No compassion when moving out, just basically felt like I meant nothing to him anymore.

About two months before we broke up, a girl started working for him and his family. About a month in, I started getting this gut feeling that DP was into her. I’ve never had this feeling with him ever before, I was always his number 1, I never felt threatened by anyone or felt his eyes wandering or anything. You know when something just doesn’t sit right with you?!

So I’ve just found out, because I asked EX DP directly if there was/is anything going on between the two of them. And low and behold- there is.

So here’s my question~ do I stay classy, be the bigger person, say nothing.

OR

text into his family watsapp group either “accidentally on purpose” about it (like as if the message was for just him hehe) or just basically say something along the lines of “now I know why he was able to leave our little family so easily seeing as X was in the picture” / “am I the last to know about X and Y?”

I think the majority of here will say leave it but if you are a petty bitch like me lemme know what you’d say!

YABU- say nothing.stay classy girl
YANBU - be petty, let his parents see what a dirt bag he is

OP posts:
londonrach · 03/06/2023 06:51

Stay classy. You not together now and you don't know when it started. His family will always support him over you.

TheKobayashiMaru · 03/06/2023 06:52

Don't text or say anything. Nothing you say or do will make them turn from him and take your side.

MintJulia · 03/06/2023 07:16

It won't make any difference to his family. Blood is thicker and all that.

Plus you have 17 years of co-parenting to get through. While it may be tempting, you need to try to maintain reasonable relations for the sake of your child. They are your child's family. Do you want your dc to have a relationship with their grand parents?

Travellingwillow · 03/06/2023 07:18

Stay classy, your ex will just lie his way through it all and his gf and family will just believe him. He has their ear , you don't, so he will say anything, that's their modus operandi.

My ex lied lied lied and lied. The more I tried to refute his bs the worse I looked.

Sceptre86 · 03/06/2023 07:21

Stay classy. You have a kid and presumably need to covalent. The grandparents may well be involved in care when your baby is with him. I'd want to away of okish terms. They probably know already and he's their son. if you say anything, they'll likely get defensive. Focus on building a life for you and your child.

Sceptre86 · 03/06/2023 07:22

*need to coparent even

CatsTheWayToDoIt · 03/06/2023 07:22

These are your kids relatives - keep them on side at all costs! Life will be much easier. Rant about him to your friends and family, but don’t cut yourself off from his family - they could be a source of a lot of help in the years to come.

Midlander01 · 03/06/2023 07:22

His family will side with him, even if they don't condone his behaviour.

What kind of relationship do you have with his family? You have many years of co parenting ahead with him - and potentially dealings with his family too.

I definitely wouldn't send a message, you'll look like a dick. But if you have the kind of relationship where you see members of his family separately I would be letting slip what's happened and your concerns for your DC

Swannyb · 03/06/2023 07:23

Stay classy, for now 😂

WhatsApp group messenger isn’t the way to go… Keep it up your sleeve for a possible more appropriate time in the future. Unfortunately, I doubt his family will give you the reaction you’d expect anyways. Sorry you’re going through this!

Wishawisha · 03/06/2023 07:27

WandaWonder · 03/06/2023 06:08

If someone came to me with this I would reply 'and? What do you want me to say or do?'

Yes, this. I’d find your text really bizarre actually. I wouldn’t reply to it at all and I bet most people wouldn’t.

The most grown up thing you can do is not to air your dirty laundry in public for the sake of your baby. Involving his family in this will just alienate them and make them think less of you. You presumably want his parents, siblings etc to still engage with you about the baby. Well they won’t do that will they if you kick off?

littleburn · 03/06/2023 07:29

When I found out my ex of 5 years was cheating on me I did let people know he was a cheat. He'd been pretending to a new social group he was a part of that he was single and was seeing one of the women in the group for several months whilst we were still together. I'd also just gone through a very close bereavement and he broke up with me just after that, insisting there was no one else.

When I subsequently found out he'd been cheating, I got access to their group chat, popped up and pointed out I existed, the timelines of our relationship and the date he broke up with me. Didn't rant or anything. Just stayed the facts and left the chat. I was probably painted as the crazy ex, but I felt better for it, don't know these people and at least I'd given fair warning to his new girlfriend.

HOWEVER, I wouldn't have done that to his family. At the end of the day, he's their son and even if he's been a complete shit they will side with him.

onlythe · 03/06/2023 07:29

Don't tell them in the way that you said here. If anything is ever said to you about not having tried etc you can say that there wasn't much point given he was already seeing someone else.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 03/06/2023 07:35

He probably did cheat in some way, but if he has managed to make it look like they got together afterwards then it's not a crime to meet someone else who makes you realise you're unhappy with your current partner. You'll just look bitter.

RoseAndRose · 03/06/2023 07:42

I think a betrayed spouse should be told - out of compassion for their position (it’s hell to be the one left in the dark, and that person deserves to know, so that they can decide their future based on the real situation)

But that doesn’t apply here

Your motivation isn’t compassion, and you haven’t mentioned that she has a spouse or long-term partner. Telling her family is wholly unnecessary, and will not produce results that help you

What she’s done is awful. But what he’s done is worse, and so focus your anger on him

nahwhale · 03/06/2023 07:43

Nah mate it won't go down how you imagine. They aren't going to pick you over him ever

StemStem · 03/06/2023 07:50

Depends if you want to look crazy or not 🤷‍♀️

SchoolShenanigans · 03/06/2023 07:56

They will either already know, or they'll find out when he announces they're together and put two and two together.

But it won't make any difference if they know.

It's over. He chose the easy way out. He's clearly unloyal, lacks resilience and a quitter. No decent person gives up on a relationship when their child is only 8 months old and the only issue is arguments. Everyone argues when they have a new baby.

Sounds like you're better off.

If you really want to cut him, move on. Get your life together, be happy. When his new relationship ends or turns sour, which chances it will eventually, he'll probably come knocking on your door, and you can tell him thanks, but no thanks. He'll see all you have and he'll kick himself.

Weallgottachangesometime · 03/06/2023 07:59

What would the outcome be though?! what benefit would telling them get you and/or your child? are you trying to hurt him or??

Personally I wouldn’t say anything because I assume they either already know (espeacilly if they work with his family) or will find out soon as it’s unlikely to be kept a secret long term. Even with them knowing, they might be angry at him and thinks he’s an arse, but he’s still their family. There’s nothing they can do. Seems unfair to drag them in to the argument in the dramatic way your talking about.

If I was going to tell his family it wouldn’t be in a dramatic way. It would be matter of fact and I am open way.

My brother cheated and left his pregnant wife years ago. It was awful. Nothing I or my parents could do about it though. I do and always will think less of him for how he acted. I and my parents have no relationship really with his child because of his actions and his ex’s response to not allow us to see his child. It was sad and awful for everyone.

Froffycoffee · 03/06/2023 08:01

They probably know, if he was spouting about how unhappy he was they may have even egged him on. Nothing good for you or overly bad for him will come from telling them.

LDB1985 · 03/06/2023 08:05

I’m obviously in the minority here but in a similar situation (minus child but 10 year relationship and owning our house together) I chose to cause a big scene in the hotel lobby my ex was temporarily staying in when I found out his parents were going to take him out for a meal to ‘cheer him up’ on my birthday, 2 days after I’d found out he’d been cheating on me, when they hadn’t even checked I was ok! They’d always made me very aware I wasn’t good enough for their son and I wanted to challenge them on that now we knew he was the cheater. Unsurprisingly as everyone on here says, they still backed him and it turned out they’d already known each occasion he’d cheated on me. However it meant I got to (very loudly) highlight their son’s, and their morals, and embarrass them in public. At one point his mum tried to manhandle me out and that escalated things quite a lot as I started shouting that I was being assaulted ha ha!

Anyway everyone expected I’d be mortified after the event, as that is not my personality at all, but it is still one of the proudest moments of my life after years of putting up with being treated very badly, by the three of them and saying nothing, I finally found my voice. It’s some of my friends favourite story about me too. So while I wouldn’t “accidentally” do the what’s app message” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with calling out his bad behaviour to his family if that is important to you, as long as you’re not doing it expecting them to turn against him.

Most importantly whatever you decide, know that if you choose to meet someone else you will find someone a million times better! I’m now happily married to a lovely man with two children and my experience with my ex taught me important life lessons about what I want in a partner-and his family)! Stay strong!

Figgygal · 03/06/2023 08:06

I expect they already know if they work together in business
Nah leave it

Heronwatcher · 03/06/2023 08:09

What are you hoping to achieve? I suspect it won’t make a blind bit if of difference to his family (he’ll give reasons which they will believe). I also suspect they will know you did it on purpose.

Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing you’re bothered.

flumpalamp · 03/06/2023 08:09

Leave it. Not worth it.

As others have said, they will back him as he's family.

People quite often see and hear what they want.

SunnySaturdayinJune · 03/06/2023 08:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was posted by a previously bas

Aubree17 · 03/06/2023 08:11

His family already know.
Stay classy.