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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about my baby being born with my skin tone

80 replies

aw9870 · 02/06/2023 22:38

Now let me start by saying this is purely coming from a good place, I have the upmost love for my unborn child (I am currently pregnant) and just don't want them to suffer how I did 😢

I have Irish skin and am deathly pale, I have never had a tan in my life, believe me I've tried! But I just burn or stay deathly white. I was horribly bullied as a child/teenager, always referred to as hideously ugly etc, I have redhead pale skin but with natural jet black hair instead! My father is Irish and my mother is peruvian , I never knew my father or his family so was raised in a Latin household and because of my Latin roots really struggled with the Latina identity because my mother is fairly pale but lots of family is all fairly olive skinned etc and I just do not look like my family, I got my dads Irish skin.

My partner is black mixed race, his father is mixed race and mother black so he is 1/4 white 3/4 black. I am so worried that our child will take after my deathly pale Irish skin and not be able to tan at all and therefore will be bullied like I was and to make it worse for them they will struggle with their identity of being mixed race because half their family is mostly black and they can't even tan one bit and will be completely white passing. I have friends that are mixed race who are white passing that struggle with their identity as they were deemed 'too white to be black/mixed race' but they can still tan and tan very well in fact! But I am just so worried our child will follow suit with my skin and resent me for it the way I resent my paleness.

It's not just the appearance it's hindered me from travelling etc and always having people ask me if I'm feeling okay because I look so unwell without fake tan, I just want my children to be able to enjoy the outdoors and sunshine and not burn within 2 minutes. I have no siblings and my partners siblings children are all mixed race with deep skin tones so I don't want them to feel alien the way I did to my family.

AIBU to be so concerned over this, I just don't want my child to suffer and be bullied like I was 😢

OP posts:
toomanyleggings · 02/06/2023 22:44

Neither of my two have inherited my translucent / blue skin if it helps. It is a total lottery though. One of them
seems to go an enviable golden colour no matter how much sunblock I put on her. I think it’s highly unlikely the baby will be very pale if your partner is mixed race. Worrying about how your baby will ‘turn out’ is quite a normal thing when you’re pregnant

Jellycats4life · 02/06/2023 22:48

I think it’s fairly likely your child will have more melanin than you 😉

I’m super white and burn lobster red and generally avoid the sun like I’m a vampire. My children are mixed race and, although they’re white-passing, as it were (no one thinks that they’re mixed) I don’t have to worry about them burning in the sun and, with sunscreen, they get amazing t shirt suntans in the summer.

AuntieJune · 02/06/2023 22:51

Your baby's DNA is already set at conception. Worrying will do nothing.

However we live in a much more diverse culture now, there are far more different skin tones and kids are generally a tolerant bunch who don't get why race was such an issue.

You're anxious about how you protect your child from bullying - the approach to that is different now too, your child won't repeat your life exactly, you'll handle all of it!

megletthesecond · 02/06/2023 22:52

Bless you. I was scared my DD would inherit my excess hair, she hasn't. But it did worry me for years until she hit her teens.
It sounds like your DC's will have a much higher chance of not inheriting your pale skin.

Alloveragain3 · 02/06/2023 22:53

I think, given their DNA, it's really unlikely they'll have very fair skin.

I'm white Irish (freckles, red head) and DH is mixed. Our DS is golden; he looks permanently tanned. I'd love to have his skin colour!

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 02/06/2023 22:54

I'm pastey, invisible eyebrows etc, but my dc inherited my dh's Mediterraneanish skin tone. My dc are very aware though of not exposing their skin to the sun, always wear sunscreen etc and try to stay as pale as possible. A far cry from the 80s when we used cooking oil to look as dark as possible! Is it because of fashion growing up in having a tan that you feel uncomfortable now op? I think people are much more a accepting now of natural skin tones, both naturally very light and very dark are celebrated.

Original poster
aw9870 · 02/06/2023 22:58

AuntieJune · 02/06/2023 22:51

Your baby's DNA is already set at conception. Worrying will do nothing.

However we live in a much more diverse culture now, there are far more different skin tones and kids are generally a tolerant bunch who don't get why race was such an issue.

You're anxious about how you protect your child from bullying - the approach to that is different now too, your child won't repeat your life exactly, you'll handle all of it!

Yes so true, I know worrying won't change anything. Also lovely to hear things are slightly different now, I think I have some ptsd from the bullying but need to remember any child can be bullied (unfortunately💔) and it's a bridge to cross if that ever happens, worrying about it now before their born doesn't change anything!. Thank you for your response x

OP posts:
Original poster
aw9870 · 02/06/2023 22:59

megletthesecond · 02/06/2023 22:52

Bless you. I was scared my DD would inherit my excess hair, she hasn't. But it did worry me for years until she hit her teens.
It sounds like your DC's will have a much higher chance of not inheriting your pale skin.

I have excess hair also! So that's another thing I'm worried about so reassuring to hear it isn't always passed down!

OP posts:
Original poster
aw9870 · 02/06/2023 23:00

Alloveragain3 · 02/06/2023 22:53

I think, given their DNA, it's really unlikely they'll have very fair skin.

I'm white Irish (freckles, red head) and DH is mixed. Our DS is golden; he looks permanently tanned. I'd love to have his skin colour!

Ah this is reassuring to hear, of course it's a lottery game and I will do all I can to uplift my child about their appearance if born with my skin tone but nice to hear it isn't always inherited! x

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 02/06/2023 23:01

I hate my red toned skin too. I have two children, one olive toned like his father and one red toned like me. Nothing I can do and I pray he doesn’t hate me for it later.

megletthesecond · 02/06/2023 23:02

There is also laser hair removal these days. I have a Lumea and would definitely let DD use it under age if she needed it. but no, she can use hair removal cream and it lasts a few days (not 24hrs) lucky thing.

Hearti · 02/06/2023 23:02

Your child will be beautiful and well loved regardless of which skin tone they have.

Also tanning is so 1980’s

Original poster
aw9870 · 02/06/2023 23:04

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 02/06/2023 22:54

I'm pastey, invisible eyebrows etc, but my dc inherited my dh's Mediterraneanish skin tone. My dc are very aware though of not exposing their skin to the sun, always wear sunscreen etc and try to stay as pale as possible. A far cry from the 80s when we used cooking oil to look as dark as possible! Is it because of fashion growing up in having a tan that you feel uncomfortable now op? I think people are much more a accepting now of natural skin tones, both naturally very light and very dark are celebrated.

Ah to have Mediterranean skin - the dream 😁 yes it was everyone around me describing themselves as ugly when they felt pale even though they were a lot darker than me etc and boys commenting I'd be prettier to them if I wasn't so pale, and then once I started wearing self tan in the most modest way of saying as it's not asked for I have men approach me all the time whilst I'm out and family/friends commenting how well I look etc so it's really made me feel that without it I feel invisible and people are repulsed by me as the reactions I have with and without self tan are opposite ends of the spectrum! All things I need to work on I know, and I certainly will it's just the horrible memories of the ongoing childhood and teenage bullying that sticks with me and makes me anxious for my child

OP posts:
harrietm87 · 02/06/2023 23:05

I’m Irish and have the same skin as you and I’ve always loved it! Actually quite offended by your post! 🤣

Realistically though OP it’s very very unlikely your child will be as pale as you if your partner is mixed race.

I have 2 kids and one looks just like me but has inherited my husband’s ability to develop a golden tan, and the other looks just like my husband but has got my skin and freckles. They are both gorgeous!

Iwantcollarbones · 02/06/2023 23:06

A tan is just visible skin damage whatever the skin colour is.

I’m pale. Glow in the dark, Irish bloodline, never tan, pale. I have three dc. The first two dad is white, the last ones father is black. My white children do not tan. My mixed race child turns golden.

I learnt to embrace my skin. My dc learnt to embrace their skin. It really doesn’t matter unless you’re considering what spf you need say to day.

CatherinedeBourgh · 02/06/2023 23:06

Dh and I are both mixed race but take after the palest sides of the family, burn, fragile skin etc.

Our dc both tan beautifully. The difference is not that obvious at first sight, but their skins are so much better than ours.

Iwantcollarbones · 02/06/2023 23:06

*day to day

Museya15 · 02/06/2023 23:06

I have Irish heritage and the skin tone and also with Rosacea( confirmed by a dermatologist who asked me straight away was I of Irish heritage!)my child’s dad is French , he is dark skinned with dark brown eyes but nope she got my skin tone, eyes, hair lol.

Original poster
aw9870 · 02/06/2023 23:07

harrietm87 · 02/06/2023 23:05

I’m Irish and have the same skin as you and I’ve always loved it! Actually quite offended by your post! 🤣

Realistically though OP it’s very very unlikely your child will be as pale as you if your partner is mixed race.

I have 2 kids and one looks just like me but has inherited my husband’s ability to develop a golden tan, and the other looks just like my husband but has got my skin and freckles. They are both gorgeous!

Please accept my biggest apologies, I never mean to offend anyone with the same skin tone as me! And this is the thing I actually see other women and think they look gorgeous pale but I don't see it in myself! So I guess we are our own biggest critics, I wish I loved my pale skin but it is hard when you've never been complimented on it, my own family always teased me.

Perhaps it's also because I never knew my Irish family I'm sure if I was around more women with the same skin tone that embraced it I would of felt differently x

OP posts:
Daffodilmorning · 02/06/2023 23:10

I think it is unlikely that your child will be as pale as you, but please don’t think that pale skin automatically means they will be bullied.

I am incredibly fair skinned (think struggling to ever find a foundation light enough to wear level of fair). I was never bullied for it.

I also burn easily but have never missed out on time outdoors… I just wear factor 50 and reapply regularly.

People find a reason to bully others, it’s because of their own shortcomings/problems, not because that person is too short/tall/fat/thin/etc.

Your child will be perfect regardless of their skin tone.

Vieve1325 · 02/06/2023 23:10

What will be will be.

My Dad was Irish white, red hair. My Mum is Mediterranean. I have permanent olive skin and go dark in the sun, my sister is nigh on translucent and only has to look out the window on a clear day and she’s burnt to a crisp.

However, I would assume if baby is going to be mixed race they should inherit a darker skin tone than you!

TheMurderousGoose · 02/06/2023 23:12

I have very pale Irish skin and I really like it!

I realise there are more layers to your situation with being pale, link to absent father, not feeling your appearance 'matched' your Latin identity, bullying etc. but honestly, if your child was pale skinned it wouldn't mean they would suffer in the same way.

Having said that with a half Peruvian mum and a black Dad, I'd say the odds of your child being Irish levels of pale are pretty slim.

continentallentil · 02/06/2023 23:14

From your description I’m pretty sure you have lovely skin and colouring OP. I’m sorry you were bullied.

There is such variety of heritage now I think you have to worry about bullying much less. You children may well be fair and/or white passing, or they may not, but they are unlikely to be as fair as you. I think I’m right in saying that mixed race heritage is the fastest growing group in the UK, so I would imagine that a variety of skin tones and the fact that skin tone is only a part indicator of heritage will all become more easily accepted too. Congratulations on your baby.

QuinnofHearts · 02/06/2023 23:15

My dad is mixed race, and I have a skin tone like you OP. I gave birth 2 months ago and my DD has my dad's skin tone!

Dressydress · 02/06/2023 23:17

I'm.very pale too. Dh middle Eastern. Whilst the kids are white they go a glorious sun-kissed tan in the summer. Whereas I go lobster red.... sigh haha