To worry about my baby being born with my skin tone

[aw9870]

Now let me start by saying this is purely coming from a good place, I have the upmost love for my unborn child (I am currently pregnant) and just don't want them to suffer how I did 😢

I have Irish skin and am deathly pale, I have never had a tan in my life, believe me I've tried! But I just burn or stay deathly white. I was horribly bullied as a child/teenager, always referred to as hideously ugly etc, I have redhead pale skin but with natural jet black hair instead! My father is Irish and my mother is peruvian , I never knew my father or his family so was raised in a Latin household and because of my Latin roots really struggled with the Latina identity because my mother is fairly pale but lots of family is all fairly olive skinned etc and I just do not look like my family, I got my dads Irish skin.

My partner is black mixed race, his father is mixed race and mother black so he is 1/4 white 3/4 black. I am so worried that our child will take after my deathly pale Irish skin and not be able to tan at all and therefore will be bullied like I was and to make it worse for them they will struggle with their identity of being mixed race because half their family is mostly black and they can't even tan one bit and will be completely white passing. I have friends that are mixed race who are white passing that struggle with their identity as they were deemed 'too white to be black/mixed race' but they can still tan and tan very well in fact! But I am just so worried our child will follow suit with my skin and resent me for it the way I resent my paleness.

It's not just the appearance it's hindered me from travelling etc and always having people ask me if I'm feeling okay because I look so unwell without fake tan, I just want my children to be able to enjoy the outdoors and sunshine and not burn within 2 minutes. I have no siblings and my partners siblings children are all mixed race with deep skin tones so I don't want them to feel alien the way I did to my family.

AIBU to be so concerned over this, I just don't want my child to suffer and be bullied like I was 😢

All skin tones are beautiful. That's the message I want my kids to hear. That's why I wear my pale Irish, freckled skin with pride. I never try to tan or put false tan on. Why should someone be ashamed of having pale skin? It makes no sense at all.

I've made up my mind to not let my kids ever hear me talk about myself or others in a way that denigrates aspects of their appearance that they did not choose.

Your baby could be any shade. I have a black friend who's daughter and grand children ae white.

She says that was her biggest surprise in life.

OP I have the pale skin my Scottish and Irish ancestors and I've grown to love it. Because I have kept out of the sun my skin is fairly wrinkle free (I'm late 50s).

It's a shame you said you said it has hindered you from travelling, I get attention in some countries but not in a bad way.

In Bali I had a massage, you pay for a number of mins, after the time was up the woman massaging carried on, I said that the time was up and I wasn't paying any more she said it was because I had, "beautiful white skin".

The hotel staff gave me the nickname, "English rose".

In the days of me wearing make up I struggled to buy foundation but that's not the end of the world.

Your baby will be beautiful, enjoy being a mum.

Op, this about the fact that you haven’t dealt with being bullied. It’s also entirely possible that you felt out of place within your family for other reasons. Not just skin tone, but that was the visible difference so you have latched onto that.

I am mixed race. Dad is south Asian and Mus was Irish and had skin like you did. She also had very dark hair before it went grey and bright blue eyes. She was stunning. She was so beautiful. While Mum was Irish, and her mum was. Her Dad was half Greek. So I have quite a mix.

I have dark brown hair, almost black. I am pale but do tan, even though I religiously wear spf. I have loads of freckles. I look white. People usually guess Greek/Spanish/Italian. Dads side of the family have always made me feel ‘othered’. Yes in part because I look white. But also because they didn’t like my mum. That Dad married someone not of their culture. That I don’t follow a lot of the obligations they expect of women. It definitely gave me issues. But my skin tone wasn’t the only reason, I felt out of place with them.

I didn’t look super like my mums family (but did more so) but my entire extended family is a mix of colours and cultures and what I looked like or what Dads heritage was, was never an issue. Mum died almost 2 years ago and Dad still spends more time with mum family than his own. Because he feels part of their family in a way he didn’t with his own.

Whatever yours child skin tone, you are the parent. If your child happens to come out with your skin tone, there is no issue. Because you wouldn’t let them grow up feeling like that. Your partner wouldn’t let them feel like that, surely?

I'm sorry to hear you were bullied growing up, but your combination of pale skin and very dark hair sounds beautiful, like Snow White. I think you need to reclaim it as an adult

I am Celtic heritage, Welsh on both sides, my skin is fair with a hint of pink - not deathly pale. I don't tan and never have. My DB does though.

Dont worry, their skin will be very different. I have skin very similar to yours- was bullied at school for it, made me so insecure I used fake tan then was bullied for that too. I cant sunbathe ever as I burn after 5 mins and get horrible sun rashes. On the plus side, because I never go in the sun, my skin is very smooth, plump and line free compared to my friends who used to sunbathe all day slathered in oil (so there are some bonuses!).

My partner is Persian and our kids have beautiful olive skin. Its a running joke that everyone in the family tans beautifully except me. I am honestly relieved that my kids dont have my skin and they are lucky not to have to go through the same experience as me.

Why should someone be ashamed of having pale skin? It makes no sense at all

It does if you've been picked on, bullied and humiliated by everyone since you were at school. If the message you heard over and over again was "WTF is wrong with you- why are you so pale- are you ILL?" and "you look like a milk bottle LOL", "here comes the vampire" etc Is it really that surprising someone might feel self conscious after that? rationally there is no need to be ashamed but bullying isnt rational is it?

The resentment can stop with you. You can teach your child to be proud of who they are. They won't have a clue about any downsides of being pale.

Things have changed since you were a child OP. Go into a large make-up store and you will find every shade represented.

Please don’t pass your insecurities down to your DC no matter what they look like. This includes not saying things like ‘thank God, you turned out brown and not pale like me!’ as this may encourage them to repeat negative beliefs about pale skin to pale children at school, leading to more people hating their skin.

Sorry your family made you feel this way. It’s one thing for outsiders to make you feel shit but you should feel accepted with family.

When I was a young woman every foundation was about 3 shades too dark and had yellow rather than pink undertones. Even make up dragons in department stores admitted they had nothing close to my shade. Nowadays I am a bit of a foundation junkie because you can buy those porcelain rose shades in lots of ranges. It's a huge novelty for me to have foundation or concealer that actually matches my skin colour. My life was complete when a plastic surgeon told me that my faint freckles knocked years off my appearance.

How sad for you OP. You sound beautiful - like Snow White or Dita von Teese (not sure her colouring is natural). Just Google "dark hair, pale skin" and so many gorgeous women appear.

I'm a mix of Greek and English and have very dark thick hair/eyebrows/eyelashes/body hair but very very freckly skin. I used to hate it. I wanted to have clear skin- either pale porcelain or olive. I do tan in the summer but the freckles come out in force. I've learned to come to terms with them because I can't change them. My daughter is blonder than me but does tan and has a gorgeous smattering of freckles on her nose and forehead. She is beautiful, as we all are.

Yeah, this. Not only has my husband had DECADES of putting up with people saying, oh, you're so pale, you need to get a tan, why you so white? you look like a ghost LOL (as I said earlier,) but he has also had many years of people saying 'are you ill, you look ill, you don't look very well, you look peaky, you look off colour, are you anaemic, do you need iron tablets??? blah blah blah. Completely unsolicited, unwarranted, UNASKED-FOR comments on my husband's skin colour. Sometimes from complete strangers.

And at least once or twice a year he gets a GP/doctor staring at him and saying 'why are you so white?' and 'you're very pale' and 'you don't look well...' They sometimes try to push him into a blood test to see what's 'wrong' with him. He just sighs, and rolls his eyes and says 'there's nothing wrong with me. I HAVE had blood tests before to check for anaemia or whatever, some years ago, and fairly recently. I have been checked many times. There's nothing wrong with me. I am just very white!'

I know the GPs/doctors don't mean anything by it, but when it's the 50th you've heard it, it starts to grate.

And some people are absolute twats and idiots and think they are the first to point out how utterly WHITE he is. It's annoying and tedious and boring and he gets sick of it. So do I.

Same reason someone might feel the same about having dark skin. Because you've been told it's bad and unattractive.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your skin colour. Theres a lot of colourism in my culture and it’s appalling. No-one should ever feel bad about their skin colour.

YABU. And you are ridiculous.

Skin tone is not something to find repulsive.
I would never dream of saying someone with dark skin looks disgusting.

My fair skinned DS gets a sun tan every summer despite me slapping Factor 50 on him from May to Sept. My fair skinned DD will never tan, but her fair English rose skin is beautiful.

What a strange post. Perhaps you would benefit from seeking some mental health support?

Pale skin and dark hair sounds a lovely combination. Each skin colour has its own beauty! I really dislike this olive/ golden skin is the most beautiful!! . Even if you are superficial, there are good looking people of every skin colour!

No need to be so harsh to the OP. Not liking a part of your face or body is very normal for many people. It's also very natural to not want to pass any features you think are undesirable on. Obviously everyone is beautiful, but there's nothing wrong with OP feeling this way. Calm down.

I have super pale skin too (dad is a red head but my mum would have olive tone skin) when I was younger I hated not being able to tan but I fully embrace it now and am all over the skincare aspect of it. I have way less wrinkles etc than my younger sister as a result. Everyone has things they are conscious about and the sad thing is that if someone wants to bully someone they'll find a 'flaw' even where there isn't one for something to focus on. Teaching your child to be strong and resilient and to love themselves and celebrate difference in others is what will make the difference for them, but that starts with you working on embracing yourself and realising that you're perfect exactly as you are and you always have been

Absolutely agree. Growing up in the 80s there was only one skin tone that seemed to be acceptable in the media/films of that time and it was a tanned white person. Any other skin variations (pale/dark) were not considered "attractive" in terms of western beauty ideals. It was a very narrow view of beauty

I think this is worrying about something unnecessary. If your child is pale then so be it! It’s not the end of the world.

My mum was a redhead and I have Irish grandparents on one side and Scottish family on the other. But my dad’s father was black and so he had pale brown skin, like he always had a fading tan.
I, on the other hand have dark hair and I am incredibly pale, yet have almost African American features. I glow in the dark, get asked constantly if I’m feeling ok or if I’m sick, my skin can almost blend in with paper and I never tan. I hate it, but there’s nothing I can do.

My husband is Irish and red haired so he is also incredibly pale and we have 2 extremely pale kids! I worry sometimes people will think they’re sick because of their translucent skin but there is no point worrying because it’s the way they are and there’s no way of changing it. Some people are just pale!

Like a pp I'm also very pale and was never picked on. No-one even mentioned it. Kids will find a 'reason' to bully.
I'm sure your child will be beautiful with any colouring.

Fair skin is an absolutely beautiful asset (I’ve got it) but yes it’s a pain in the arse for sun protection with babies, I had two ghostly white little babies. All I can say is…. Cream them up. My eldest never even got a freckle until he was at school /‘d we lived in a very hot country, I am quite proud of that 😂

you colouring sounds beautiful OP by the way x

As another poster has said a tan is visible skin damage. As the soon to be mother of a mixed heritage and/or black child (depending both on how they choose to identify and how society sees them) I would be more concerned about how you will foster self love, if you have none for your own skin colour. Talking about the tanning ability of mixed children across this thread is deeply problematic.

Tanning is really not that desired amongst the trendy teens these days. Yes of course there are always the "only way is Essex" brigade with fake tans, nails and lashes, but my 16 year old actively avoids any sun.

They are drilled with how damaging sun exposure is from an early age now!

The excess hair is shit though. DD has that from her dad and it's not great for her.

I have the same colouring as you, OP. Black hair, very white skin (yes, I’m Irish). I wasn’t bullied for it at all, though, and I’m sorry that you were .

My kids are mixed race. DH is black, Jamaican/Guyanese/Brazilian, with some mixed racial heritage a few generations back (Portuguese & Native Indian as well as the African heritage) and one of our children has indeed got my skin! The only difference is she does tan quickly and easily, but she is very pale. The others are darker skinned.

All I will say is that you need to try your best not to project your own feelings about yourself on to your child. Being mixed race can be a minefield in terms of people’s ignorant comments about how black or white you look. Instill your child with confidence and self love whatever their skin tone.