to have the ick… FIL and DS

[Changedmymindtoday22]

Just want to see if I’m being precious….
FIL and DS were having lunch today with family.
DS had food on his finger that he wanted to be cleaned.

FIL sucked his finger to remove food.

is that ok? Weird?

He has kissed him on the lips when he was a baby too which I asked DH to tell him not to do. I personally find it ick.

Keen to know if it is, or would that be normal?

It is the kind of thing older generations would do. Like licking a hanky and wiping your kids face.

I wouldn’t do it myself but I also wouldn’t risk upsetting a clearly loving grandfather over something so petty and small.

Parents bang on about needing a village and complain when they don’t have support. And then they drive people away being absolute control freaks with their kids. You can’t have it both ways.

The licking hanky thing was something a mother used to do (and I hated it as a child), not a flipping grandfather. Your child could easily have been wiped with a tissue.

I am astounded at some of the absolutely OTT comments on here. Suggesting to cut a loving grandparent out of a child’s life because the mother has oral hangups.

And how many people seem to equate the mouth with sex, and therefore with inappropriate behaviour. I really don’t believe that’s normal.

I’m genuinely equally surprised and disgusted at some of the replies here… to those posters who think it’s ok for a grandparent to lick food off a young child’s finger, at what age would it become unacceptable? 5? 10? 18? Older?

What about a grandchild who is aged 20 and an 80 year old grandparent licking food off the 20 year old’s finger? Is that acceptable? If not, why?

Not acceptable because the 20 year old is an adult and can verbalise/put boundaries in place themselves? Whatever you wouldn’t do to a 20 year old, you shouldn’t do it to a child. The child can’t consent or put boundaries in place. The OP is correct.

To the poster above me - it’s got F all to do with sex, it’s about boundaries. Not about the OP having “oral hang-ups” bloody hell! Some bloody strange attitudes here!

but why so disgusted at a grand parent?
this is what is coming through
he is shock horror 69
how very dare he
as a parent it would apparently be perfectly ok

I wouldn’t accept it if a parent did it either, but I’m trying to stay on track as the OP’s issue is with a grandparent doing it to her son.

You’ve missed my main point though - if you had a child aged 2 and licked food off their fingers, would you do the same a decade later when the child is 12? When that 12 year old becomes 22??

Same principle applies - what you wouldn’t do to a 20 year old, you shouldn’t do to a 2 year old. Are you understanding my point now??

OP it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, you found it jarring and it’s fine to tell someone not to do something with or to your child.

I have in-laws who like to test boundaries and I’ve learnt that it’s better to challenge anything I’m unhappy with in the moment rather than fret about it afterwards. They were initially told to enjoy the cuddles but no kissing please. When they decided to ignore this, I told them ‘Don’t kiss her’. Step-MIL was laughing her head off when DD was chewing on her finger, I said abruptly ‘Ughh no, don’t let her put your finger in your mouth’.

No, I’m not getting your point at all. I blew raspberries on the belly of my son until he was about 2, and he loved it. My father did the same with him. It wasn’t weird. It was in fact developmentally appropriate.

I obviously wouldn’t do it to him now at age 16 though because, you know, you do different things with kids at different ages. It hasn’t occurred to me to play peekaboo with him in a while either 😅

”What you wouldn’t do to a 20 year old you shouldn’t do to a 2 year old” - utter nonsense! Should it be a firm handshake and a pat on the back then, rather than a piggyback in the woods and some rough and tumble in the garden?

I don't think blowing raspberries on a baby's belly, which I'm sure we all did, is in the same league as licking their fingers. However, we were not there, the op was, she saw it and it made her feel creepy, that's enough for me. Most people aren't creeped out by silly stuff grandparents do and say with their grandchildren.

Just to add, the op also said grandfather had kissed the child on the lips and, honestly, who does that?

The two things add up. I just feel she should set boundaries and keep a watchful eye is all.

People are gross. Including the parents that suck fallen dummies ‘clean’ 🤮

Well I would hope the 20yr old could either use a wipe themselves, or lick their own fingers. This is a ridiculous comparison 🙄

Exactly. I wipe my 2yr old’s bottom when changing their nappy. So do my parents and in-laws. Hopefully we won’t be doing that in their 20s!

It would make me feel murderous but I could easily see my lovely brother doing that with his grandchildren and he is a kind, no-nonsense, fun grandad with no pervy proclivities at all.

They’re just a ‘licky’ family who are not overly hung up about dirt and would rather quickly lick the tomato sauce off and get back to having fun rather than break off to have a big hoopla about washing it off.

I personally think it’s minging but if you think it’s nothing to worry about boundaries-wise (like I wouldn’t with my brother) just chalk it up op.

I don’t necessarily understand this though, as you wouldn’t be sat that close to a 12 year old, cutting up their food and helping them eat and cleaning them up.. I agree with your point about consent but it’s not completely comparable.

Marvellous responses from posters who still can’t comprehend the point I’m making about licking fingers of babies and toddlers.

Wiping baby’s bum - not comparable as that’s basic duty of care from the adult looking after said child, surely? 🤨

Piggy backs - does that involve licking good off fingers? Nope. I remember as a tipsy 20 year old my mates and I giving each other piggy back races at a house party when we were at Uni. Not licking food off their fingers, because, well you know - that’s gross at any age 🤢

2 year old toddlers are old enough to start teaching them how to use a wipe or similar, then you finish off wiping what 2 year old has missed. Basic, simple and teaching about hygiene. I asked my mum (retired social worker who had three children back in the 70s and 80s) what she thought of adults licking fingers of babies & toddlers - she agrees with me, not you.

You just rock on licking fingers and enjoy creeping other people out around you. Enjoy the rest of your wonderful Saturday!

PS - thank you to LBFseBrom for your sensible response, it is much appreciated.

Calm the fuck down.

Why would people enjoy ‘creeping people out’. I can easily see why people wouldn’t want to do that, but I can see why people do. It seems like you don’t have any empathy or comprehension that people do different things to you that are well within the realms of normality.

I will continue to let my little one hug me, kiss me on the lips, wipe their sticky fingers at me whilst I wipe them down, or lick off the random bit of food they are offering to me. I’m sorry it creeps you out, but that’s just normal life for me and I would never want anything different.

i also sometimes share a toothbrush with my husband - so I probably have no boundaries at all!!

No one should be licking food off someone else's fingers with the goal of 'cleaning' them. Use a wipe, napkin, water & soap.

You’re making this into something it is not.

By all means ask him to not do it in future, but try to not infer you think he might be a nonce whilst doing so.

My stepdad often licks the formula off his wrist after testing my baby's bottle. It's not that he's unclean or whatever, he just cba getting a wipe/tissue sometimes. He did it with a breast milk bottle once too... I thought it was weird at first but realised it was a me problem not a him problem as there was nothing sinister or strange behind it - just one of those things done without giving too much thought to it.

I think it's gross to be honest. I don't even lick my own finger, I wipe it with a tissue or kitchen roll if I get food on it.

Licking off your own wrist is hardly comparable to licking a child's fingers or kissing them on the lips, Worryaboutwork.

Well this went down a road I never expected.

No there is nothing sinister.
No I won’t be cutting him out of our lives.
Yes everyone has different boundaries and relationships with their parents/grand parents.

The word for me may not be ick it’s yuck, my mistake. I do not want my son eating food from the hands someone has licked. I found it revolting. If it happens again I will assert myself politely and say please do not use your mouth to clean my child.

I do think that grandparents and parents differ and what a parent does does that mean a grandparent can too.
Each to their own of course.

Now, my DS has the start of a Cold sore since yesterday on the side of his mouth. He has never had one before.
So if one forms I am going to put it down to that disgusting lucking of his finger then eating from it. So, grandparents, family members, maybe think twice before you put your saliva into a child’s hands. It’s not acceptable!