SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

Will you have to wear a collar and chain? Just to make sure you don't stray too far.

@worldstillturns

Right back at ya babe

And can count to three.
And knows the difference between "your" and "you're" and when each needs to be used.
And has compassion for other people.
And isn't a twat-waffle.
The "lady" who drinks too much wine needs to put the bottle down.

You have never read a thread where a woman gave her husband duties she wanted done and then complained when they inspected and it wasn't done?

I asked him twice to fix the door and he has been home all weekend and it still isn't fixed...

The OP has used intentionally inflammatory language. Who knows what the actual conversation was...if there was one!

Here’s a further invitation from me to him: fuck off even more than that.
Grateful? You’re not serious @SummerDuck ? Surely you don’t think you’re his wayward employee, he’s your manager and he can speak to you like that?
Leave him on his own with with all the kids for a few days and let him see how much “output” he produces.

I'm a SAHP and just read this to my husband. He said "he sounds like an idiot, I'd divorce him".

On the other hand, he does ask me what chores around the house I'd like him to prioritise at the weekends! But I think there's a big difference between him asking and me demanding, plus he has normal chores he automatically does.

I do have a vague plan for chores like lawn and what I need to clean each day. Sometimes don't do any though if I take dc out for the day or dc won't nap. Plus it's my own plan. I would take a dim view of being micromanaged.

I'm not sure what DH would do if I was actually lounging around all day and NOT pulling my weight, but I assume that's not the case for you.

@Newnamefor23

Yes - exactly the flavour of this thread in that article.

Am also wondering if this thread has been started to gauge how women feel about being nudged back into a more traditional role.... as the OP hasn't been back and there are a fair few comments suggesting SAHMs should indeed serve their husbands in return for their "protection" in a financial sense....

Or maybe OP is drawing up her own list of duties for her DH.....

We can but hope.

In general terms though, it's scary how regressive society is becoming..... perhaps we're closer to waking up like boiling frogs in Gilead than we realise.....

(Waits for several replies telling me I'm paranoid lol )

Tell him you're sad that your marriage is over, but now that he's promoted himself to the boss of you, obviously you can no longer have sex or even share a bed with him. Tell him to move to the spare room tonight or you'll lodge a complaint about inappropriate behaviour and sexual harassment in the workplace.

Then show him your provisional task list for next week.
Monday, 9am: Call family solicitor and initiate divorce proceedings.

I'm worried that you've not immediately laughed in his face about this, OP, and that you seem to repeating his mantra that all his work colleagues do this. It's a sign of how far your confidence and self-respect has been eroded already.

I almost hope this is a wind-up. As described, he is a parody. If he weren't so extreme, perhaps more pp would have asked you what you are doing in the home, and if he has a point (however outrageous his proposed solution). I suspect hiring a cleaner and gardener is normal for high-flying lawyers. Would that help? You and he should be working together as a team, to cover everything that needs doing to support your shared family, and continually adjusting to suit both of you.

My husband is a SAHP. No, I would never do that because he's losing his mind tidying (we were meant to go out in London he was late because there was "too much to do in the garden"), but I am becoming tempted to give him a timetable that involves looking after himself better.

Personally, I would tell him what he could do with his lists. If there are things he wants done, he should do them himself not put any more pressure on you.

Here's some cheese to go with your whine.
You judged and seem to think you were a-okay for doing it, so you can sit down with your false sense of self-righteous indignation, untwist your knickers and take what you handily dish out.

I can assure you most nannies earn more than half a mortgage and half the groceries, let alone all the other “routines” a sahp provides. OPs husband sounds like a colossal dick and she absolutely should not become his unsalaried lackey.

I’d really try to make a significant output … in his favourite pair of shoes 💩

I think there is a distinct possibility that in this person's case, the lights are on, but nobody's home.
Hopefully, IPhone has a dictionary app? 😆😉
Judgey McJudgerson seems to think only her opinion matters.

I give my husband lists of jobs to do and I'm the SAHM!

If I was the sole earner and my DH stayed at home, I'd be giving him a far longer list, because while he's happy to get jobs done he just wouldn't remember to do a lot of them without being asked. However, I certainly wouldn't carry out checks on him or enforce a strict routine.

The 'output' thing would grind my gears.

How long have you been a SAHM for and why is this coming up now?

Has there been ongoing discussions and conversations (or conflict) about who takes on what responsiblities in the home over the years?

Did he want you to share the financial responsiblities and you refused?

There is so little context to go on....

No he is not your employer so he shouldnt give you routines. Sounds like he is expecting you to pull your weight a bit more since he is the one earning the money and is discontent with the present set up. Maybe he would like you to get a job and start making a financial contribution.

Uh oh, you are going to get slammed for being the devil incarnate. You give your huband a list of jobs. That makes you a wicked, horrible, awful person and he should be swearing at you and telling you off and dumping your horrid ass!

Oh hell, everything she posted was a denigrating attack on the OP as she blathered on with her false sense of superiority. As soon as it's turned back on her, she pretends she is the "victim". She's only a victim of her own rude attitude and unpleasant, unhelpful, uneducated assumptions.

I work in financial regulation in the city. Trust me no one’s asking their wives to do this. Their housekeeper or nanny maybe, not their wives…

Oh good can you give him a 6 page plan on how you propose to manage his career including what he does with his work day (no coffees, no slacking!) And the target incomes you expect him to hit over the next 5 years? Because if he is micromanaging your time surely that is a two way street? No?

This is one of those classic posts where I’d absolutely love to hear the other side of it because it really feels like a lack of communication on both sides to me - the initial message was (seemingly) worded VERY badly and the interpretation is (possibly) equally bad.

Also got to laugh at all the “well once he does 50% of X, Y and Z then he can talk”…well I’m sure he could say once OP contributes 50% financially as a response. Obviously I’m being facetious but typical MN responses make me laugh.

Tell him to F off. You are not his cleaner. You are not his gardener. You are not his maid.

@Okshacky

The average salary for a nanny is between 26 and 33k according to Google.

You can obviously go cheaper and get an au pair/mothers help. Especially with a teen, preteen and 1 preschooler who goes to nursery

'OPs husband sounds like a colossal dick'

He does.

But let's not pretend the op is 'earning' more than the oh is

And do you tell him how he should be spending his days in work?

Maybe suggest that you go back to work and he can have all the routines and duties he likes at home.